Fifth in a ten-part series: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4
Hello again friends, WRNL PAC again with another dispatch from the heart of Big XII country. You know, it really feels like our message is starting to reach people. The good folks of the Big XII are finally coming around to the idea of Iowa State as their champion.
But not in Lawrence, Kansas, where we just left. The people of that town do NOT take kindly to somewhat immature fat jokes. You know what, Lawrence? Suck it up! The Jayhawks aren't going to be Big XII champions in 2012, and it's our job to let people know that. Deal with it.
And honestly, slashing our bus tires and filling the gas tank with sugar was just childish. I thought you were better than that, Jayhawk fans.
So we're still in Kansas, waiting for the bus to be repaired. But every cloud has a silver lining, because it gives us an opportunity to talk about another Kansas team. Actually, this silver lining is more of dullish gray. Mix that with a little purple, and you have the next team on WRNL PAC's hit list completely accurate depiction of other school's failings.
The Kansas State Wildcats. Even the name sends a chill down your spine.
I'm not going to sugar-coat this, but it is difficult to hear. Kansas State is a ruthless, demented killer with no regard for the members of the Big XII. Just look at Kansas State's mascot, Willie Wildcat. What is that... thing? Half-human, half-cat, all industrial-grade nightmare fuel. Staring at you with those dead cat eyes... terrifying.
When you go to Manhattan for a game, is that really what you want to be greeted by? Some twisted, Hieronymus Bosch-esque creature? Why would Kansas State create such a monster?
I'll tell you why. Because it's a reflection of Kansas State's twisted soul. Having only four winning seasons in football in 55 years does something to fans. It... changes them. Makes them more apt to do dark, unspeakable things.
And coaches feel this evil when they enter Manhattan. Frank Martin saved himself before he was completely damned, but he ended up coaching in South Carolina. Gamecocks' basketball. Maybe a fate worse than death.
Ron Prince tried to wrestle with the unspeakable horror that consumes Kansas State football, and was completely destroyed for his efforts. His name is now whispered in hushed tones in locker rooms and football offices everywhere, as a warning to others of what happens when you dabble with Kansas State.
Indeed, Bill Snyder has been the only football coach that has been able to consistently win at Kansas State in the last 75 years. Just how is he able to achieve this unprecedented success in such an unholy place? Look, we're not saying that Bill Snyder is an evil wizard who drinks the blood of puppies to gain the strength to master the black alchemy needed to make the Wildcats winners, we're just saying; why hasn't Bill Snyder come out and said he's NOT an evil wizard who drinks the blood of puppies to gain the strength to master the black alchemy needed to make the Wildcats winners?
And compare Willie Wildcat to Cy, Iowa State's mascot. So friendly! A giant toothy grin welcomes fans and children to Iowa State sporting events. Cardinals don't even have teeth, but that's just the kind of outside-the-box thinking we pride ourselves on at Iowa State.
Of course, let's not forget the numerous mascot contests Cy has won. Well, just one contest really. Back in 2007. But he was voted the most dominant mascot on the planet! Willie Wildcat couldn't win most dominant mascot in Manhattan, Kansas.
But the point remains: Kansas State can't be the 2012 Big XII champion. Not with the track record they have. Not with a possible murderer as a mascot.
So this year, choose Iowa State for your Big XII champions. Iowa State: Not possessed by the forces of darkness. Iowa State: Has a mascot that won't terrify your family.
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