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An Open Letter to the Rockets and the NBA

Mar 14, 2012; Louisville, KY, USA; Iowa State Cyclones forward Royce White (30) smiles because he just realized that in three months he'll be a very wealthy man. Mandatory Credit: Jamie Rhodes-US PRESSWIRE
Mar 14, 2012; Louisville, KY, USA; Iowa State Cyclones forward Royce White (30) smiles because he just realized that in three months he'll be a very wealthy man. Mandatory Credit: Jamie Rhodes-US PRESSWIRE

Congratulations to the Houston Rockets on your selection of Royce White in the 2012 NBA draft! I hope you enjoyed your time in beautiful Newark, New Jersey last night, and are now spending your day quietly reflecting on what an excellent choice you made. Royce will make an outstanding addition to your team, where his unselfish play and freakish physical attributes will endear him to his teammates and fans alike.

Indeed, I think you'll find that Royce White will prove to be a fan favorite over the years. From his highlight-reel passes, to his thunderous dunks, to his handle and skill with the ball; White is a tireless worker on the court who will captivate the Rockets faithful.

But White won't just make his presence felt on the court. White worked with numerous charities while in Ames, striving to make his adopted home a better place to live. You should expect no different in Houston. You have not only drafted a great basketball player, you've drafted a great human being.

Again, congratulations on drafting Royce White. He should provide years of quality play for your franchise. Now if you'll excuse me, a brief note to the rest of the NBA:

You. Dumb. BASTARDS. What were you thinking?! You could have had Royce White on your team! What is WRONG with you?!

Why wouldn't you pick a player that led his team in every major statistical category in his first year of college basketball? Is it because Royce is too awesome at EVERYTHING? Did you think there wasn't going to be enough awesome to go around for the rest of the team? Awesomeness isn't a limited resource you know, and Royce White is very willing to share.

You know what you do with a player that leads his team in points, rebounds, assists, steals and blocks? ANYTHING! You do literally ANYTHING you want with that player, because he's a threat to do whatever he wants when he's on the court! Does the idea of a 6'8", 270 lb point guard seem intriguing to you? It does? Well, there's a reason for that. It's because it IS intriguing, and trust me, it's awesome! And you fuckwads could have that player on your team!

No seriously, rest of the NBA, why didn't you draft Royce White? New Orleans, Charlotte, Washington and Sacramento, you get a pass. You all picked the players that were head and shoulders above everyone else in the draft. Very understandable. But Portland? You drafted a scoring machine from Weber State. Quick tip: It's pretty easy to average over 30 points a game when you play in the Big Sky conference and the toughest teams you faced all year are Utah and Cal. Royce could've scored 100 points against some of those teams.

And what the shit, Detroit? Everyone raves about Andre Drummond's "potential" and says the reason he sucked at UConn was that he wasn't properly motivated. Do you really think the lost city of rust and broken dreams that is Detroit is going to help Drummond pick his game up? Pistons, you just drafted Kwame Brown 2: UConn Boogaloo.

Oh and Warriors, good luck dealing with Harrison Barnes and his brand. That HB-bird-logo is going to go over real well in Oakland, a city that's more likely to spit on diva athletes than cheer for them. Barnes, your best course of action is to license your logo to a whistle-tip manufacturer, or it's probably three months before you're robbed, stabbed and set on fire.

So what was it, NBA? Was it Royce's fear of flying? Royce has explained that many times! It's not the flying that makes him nervous, it's the preparation. Besides, he's already flown WAY more than most people ever will! How do you think he got to all those road games in college? He's pretty smart, but he hasn't invented teleportation (yet).

Was it the general anxiety issues? What, you DON'T want him to bring up a legitimate medical disorder that he has? He's been diagnosed, he's getting treatment AND he's using his disorder to educate other people about mental disorders. The guy is a fucking humanitarian! By not drafting Royce White, you basically pissed on the hopes and dreams of every person with a mental disorder in the world (no hyperbole).

Wait, don't tell me it was the legal problems. Fools! You're all fools! Sure, the young man made some mistakes. What kid doesn't? The important thing is that Royce owned up to those mistakes and is a better person for it. Besides, now that he's been humbled as a freshman, he's less likely to screw up as an entitled rookie. Very unlikely that you'll see Royce White going Pacman Jones in the club anytime soon.

So again, congratulations to the Houston Rockets and Fred Hoiberg's old friend, Kevin McHale. You got a great value in Royce White at the 16th spot in the draft. As for the rest of the NBA? Well... time will tell, but you've probably just made a huge mistake.

Best Of Royce White At Iowa State (via ZJBorg)