clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

WRNL PAC: Announcing a Running Mate

Eighth in a ten-part series: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7

Greetings, friends! WRNL PAC is back with another update from the heart of Big XII country! As WRNL PAC has traveled across this great land, we've met a lot of people and learned a lot about this country. We've learned a lot about the Big XII. We've learned a lot about ourselves. Specifically, that we don't like a majority of you assholes.

Hey, we tried our damnedest! We shook hands, we kissed babies, hell; we slept with a few delegates wives 'cause we thought it would help you bastards pick Iowa State in 2012. But none of it worked. You set our bus on fire and tried to kill us on numerous occasions.

But then we thought, "Hey WRNL PAC: Maybe the problem isn't with the mouthbreathers out there in Big XII country. Maybe the problem is with our campaign."

And we understand! Our rugged good looks, musky odors and unique charm can be a little intense at first. So we've decided to choose a running mate for Iowa State's campaign for Big XII champions. Someone to soften our image.

So today we're proud to announce the next co-champion of the Big XII; the Big XII's newest members, the maniacs from the mines: The West Virginia Mountaineers!

There are a lot of things to love about this pick. One, there are the similarities between the schools. Both Iowa State and West Virginia are known for having rowdy fan bases that like to drink and will set something on fire at the first sign of victory. Some call this immaturity. We like to call it passion.

And as the newest member of the Big XII, West Virginia doesn't have a whole lot of traveling partners at the moment. Well, Iowa State is there to pick up the slack. Just a scant 870 miles away down I-80, Iowa State is the closest thing West Virginia has to a geographical rival right now. Close in geography, close in spirit. This is a dream ticket.

But don't think WRNL PAC chose West Virginia just because of a few surface similarities. Which are many. (Hell, even Mountaineer Field has the same design at Jack Trice Stadium! This pick couldn't BE any more perfect!)

No, West Virginia got the nod because they're outsiders. Mavericks. A school that's not afraid to speak truth to power, stand up for what's right, and maybe throw a Molotov cocktail into a visiting fan's Winnebago when things aren't going their way.

So you have to admire West Virginia. But did you know they have extensive foreign policy experience as well? It's true! As the lone geographic outlier in the Big XII, West Virginia is on the front lines of the conference. They can see the SEC, the ACC, the Big East AND the Big 10 from their house. And as Ohio State rears its head and comes into the airspace of the Big XII, where do they go? It's West Virginia. It's just right over the border. It is from West Virginia that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on these very powerful conferences, because they are right there, they are right next to the state.

Sorry about that, lost my train of thought for a second. Might have had a mini-stroke. But the point remains: West Virginia is an excellent fit for the conference and an excellent running mate for Iowa State. Farmers from Iowa harvest the fruits of the earth in fields above the ground; miners from West Virginia harvest the fruits of the earth below the ground. That's what they call balancing the ticket. Gotta have something on the team for everyone.

And let's talk about the elephant in the room, the thing that West Virginia brings that Iowa State desperately needs: Winning. Iowa State hasn't done a lot of it over the years. But the Mountaineers! Whoo boy! You can't keep them from winning! Football: 15 conference championships, three BCS bowls this decade with three different head coaches! Basketball: Hometown hero Huggy Bear leading the way to Sweet Sixteen and Final Four appearances. Hey, just like Iowa State and Fred Hoiberg!

So this year when considering a conference champion, choose Iowa State AND West Virginia. Iowa State: The plucky underdog that you love to root for. West Virginia: The new school in town with a video-game offense and Heisman candidate at quarterback. Together, they form an unstoppable duo from the heartland, burning through the Big XII like a match through a gasoline-soaked couch.

Riot Bowl (via CyForPresident)