clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

WRNL PAC: This Is Your Brain On TCU

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.


Ninth in a ten-part series: Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8

Hello America, WRNL PAC is back with another dispatch from the heart of Big 12 country! When we last left you, we were in Morgantown, WV; begging giving the West Virginia Mountaineers a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be Iowa State's running mate in 2012.

Well, as you can tell, Iowa State and West Virginia have not joined forces to win the Big 12 this year and share the conference title as co-champions. Let's just say things didn't quite work out between WRNL PAC and the Mountaineer's representatives. Maybe it was us; ours can be an intense love, full of new experiences, musky odors and late-night phone calls. But whatever the reason, West Virginia turned us down.

And good riddance, we say! Iowa State couldn't be associated with such common hillfolk. We're rebels, baby. Born to live free in the plains of the midwest. We can't be tied down by some nosy program that keeps pestering us with questions like "Why has ISU never won a Big 12 championship in football?" or "Why did ISU never win a Big 8 championship in football?" or "Who are you, and why are you in my house?"

So after our fruitless trip to Morgantown (And holy cow, it is a BITCH to get there! They really need a traveling partner in the conference!), WRNL PAC finds itself back in the middle of Big 12 country. Fort Worth, Texas; home of the TCU Horned Frogs. And what better place to expose this seemingly moral, christian university for the den of unrighteousness that it truly is?

For the Horned Frogs have a small... herbal problem. That's right neighbors, I'm talking about the wicked weed. The devil's doobie. The grievous grass. Four TCU football players were arrested in February for dealing drugs. TCU quarterback Casey Pachall later admitted to failing a drug test.

Big 12 fans, this is just rank hypocrisy at its worst. Texas Christian University purports to have a religious foundation. Gary Patterson claims to be a molder of young men. But this... this SCANDAL is allowed to occur right underneath the coach's and administrator's noses? How could they let this happen?

Friends, it's not the drugs themselves that upset us here at WRNL PAC. As fine, upstanding citizens, we believe that everyone should be entitled to go about their private business. But won't someone please think of the children? The innocent children that look up the the TCU football players? What can we tell these children now, now that their innocence has been so cruelly shattered by the knowledge that college athletes are smoking drugs? And in the offseason, too!

The Horned Frogs want to be in the Big 12. They want to win the Big 12. Well, they're not making a very good first impression. Actions speak louder than words, and their actions just included a star linebacker doing his best Jesse Pinkman impression and getting most of the Dallas-Fort Worth area hooked on the "good shit." Bitch.

And who's to say where these drugs are coming from? Did the coaches know? Did the administrators know? Is the entire college merely a front for murderous Juarez-based cartels to gain easy access to the United States' shipping routes? Is TCU athletic Chris Del Conte actually known as Del Contar de la Muerte in certain circles? We don't know! We're just asking questions here! Please don't kill our family Del Contar de la Muerte!

Iowa State has never been involved in such sordid affairs. Iowa State runs a clean athletic department, one that families everywhere can enjoy. True, Iowa State hasn't had the recent success that TCU has enjoyed, but the Cyclones still have their pride. They still have their soul. They didn't smoke it in a drug-fueled bacchanalia like some schools we could mention.

So this year, choose Iowa State for Big 12 champions. Iowa State: The Big 12 school that isn't a front for a drug cartel.