AD ALERT: Hawkeye Locker Room Thief On The Lam

Well, this is fun. The suspect from the Great Hawkeye Locker Room Theft of 2013 has been identified. Not apprehended, exactly, because it appears the suspect has fled the country (going on the lam may be a bit of an overreaction to a pending arrest for a misdemeanor). But police are confident enough in the perpetrator's guilt that they've released his name to the public.

Now, for those familiar with the details, the identity of the suspect may come as a shock. During last year's Cy-Hawk game in Ames, some nefarious soul broke into the visiting Hawkeye's locker room in Jack Trice Stadium and made off with cell phones and cash from nine coaches and players. A stupid, trivial, disgusting act of aggravated jackassery, and a major failure by the security firm that Iowa State hired to work the game. The fact that CSC, ISU's security firm, also provides security for a good number of other universities and professional teams seems almost beside the point when a theft happens during a university-sanctioned event.

Of course with an act this incredibly foolish, many; including the excellent and always-accurate SB Nation blog Black Heart Gold Pants, rushed to judge Iowa State and its student body. Below, a smattering of the statements from the Hawkeye faithful:

Fred Hoiberg is waiting patiently in his car at the Ames Police Station, letter of intent in hand, just waiting to offer the perpetrator a basketball scholarship.

Ha ha! What a zing! It's funny 'cause it's true! Those ISU basketball players, always committing crimes.

But seriously, stealing wallets and keys out of the visitors' locker room is so juvenile, so ripped from the high school rivalry playbook, that it could only happen at the glorified high school that is Iowa State.

Yes, if an Iowa State fan had robbed the Hawkeye locker room in Ames, it would have been incredibly juvenile. And oh, the how the hate flows in the comments section of that BHGP article. It's seriously recommended reading.

@Hawkize: The amount of Iowa State fans that actually believe Iowa stole their own shit out of the locker room is startling.

About that last one, Mr. Hawkize. It turns out that Iowa did steal their own shit out of their locker room during the Cy-Hawk game. Well, not the players or the coaches exactly. But an Iowa fan in town for the game was the very person who snuck into his favorite team's locker room while they were playing one of their biggest games of the year and robbed them blind.

Meet Mr. Nicholas Beary, a (formerly) upstanding student at the University of Iowa from 2008-2011. How much does Mr. Beary love the University of Iowa? So much that he ran for student government while he was an undergraduate. Here's his application:

You're right, Mr. Beary, you are a legal adult and your voice should be heard. Apparently your voice is saying, "I love my university and my team so much that I want to be as close as possible to them. To their possessions, really. Hey, this iPhone looks nice. Yoink!"

But now that the identity of the thief is known, what can the larger community do about this? Surely Iowa fans, who were so outraged by the (imagined) Cyclone locker room thief, will focus that same amount of rage on the culprit now that he's been found. Right? Right?!

Okay, that's probably a lot to ask. Finding out that one of your own committed such an embarrassing act hurts. It creates some serious cognitive dissonance, and the reaction from Hawkeye fans has been mainly to stay quiet or (weirdly) thump their chests over each team's respective record in football (we're talking about a crime here, not the game of football).

But the University of Iowa athletic department was so concerned about the safety of visitors to Ames last September! In fact, Paul Federici, the director of football operations at the University of Iowa, even took time out of his busy schedule to personally contact the athletic departments of future Iowa State opponents to let them know about the menace in Ames:

"I have recommended to Oklahoma State, Texas Christian University, University of Texas, and Kansas University to take every security measure necessary when they each travel to Ames later this fall." - Paul Federici

Thank you for your generous support, Mr. Federici! Iowa State certainly appreciates your not-at-all-dickish and extremely passive aggressive gesture of help! Unfortunately, Federici has not yet stepped forward to contact future Hawkeye opponents to warn them that Iowa fans are nothing but a group of shiftless, thieving ruffians (generally speaking).

But with the holidays, perhaps Paul Federici has been too busy to get in touch with his counterparts in the Big 10. Fortunately, WRNL is nothing if not helpful. Today, WRNL personally emailed the director of football operations (or the appropriate person within the athletic department) of every school on Iowa's schedule next year, letting them know they may want to increase security when the Hawkeyes come to their stadium, and to perhaps hire their own security firm when they go to Kinnick Stadium. Hell, LSU even got a notice. You can never be too careful. Stay frosty out there, Tigers.

And because WRNL cares about the rivals to the east, Paul Federici also received a message. If an Iowa fan traveled 130 miles just to burglarize his own team, what's going to happen in Iowa City? Look out, Paul! You're surrounded by Hawkeye fans! Any one of them is just waiting for the opportunity to plunder the sweet treasure trove that is the Hawkeye locker room!

God, that must be exhausting, knowing that you're surrounded by thieves every moment of the day. But don't you worry, Mr. Federici. WRNL has your back. And now, every upcoming opponent also knows what they're dealing with when their team plays the Hawkeyes.

This email below was sent to representatives of the following athletic departments Thursday, December 26, 2013:

• Louisiana State University
• University of Northern Iowa
• Ball State University
• University of Pittsburgh
• Purdue University
• Indiana University
• University of Maryland
• Northwestern University
• University of Minnesota
• University of Illinois
• University of Wisconsin
• University of Nebraska
• University of Iowa

Good morning Mr. Federici,

As I'm sure you've heard by now, police have released the name of the suspect involved in the theft of several phones and cash from Iowa's locker room when they visited Jack Trice Stadium for the Cy-Hawk game last September. It turns out that it was none other than one Nicholas Beary, a former University of Iowa student and Hawkeye fan.

Now, on behalf of all Cyclone fans, I want to personally thank you for taking the time to warn the Big 12 teams who visited Jack Trice Stadium last year that they may want to take extra security precautions. In this day and age, you can never be too careful, and Iowa State appreciates you going the extra mile to ensure the safety of visitors to Ames.

But since Mr. Beary is an Iowa fan who traveled to Ames to then rob his favorite team, it seems you were warning the wrong institutions about potential opportunities for theft. And since you haven't found the time to update the appropriate schools about the need for additional security when the Hawkeyes come to town, we've taken the liberty of alerting the athletic departments of Iowa's 2014 fall schedule for you.

The following message was sent to the following athletic departments this morning:

Louisiana State University, Northern Iowa University, Ball State University, University of Pittsburgh, Indiana University, University of Maryland, Northwestern University, University of Minnesota, University of Illinois, University of Wisconsin and the University of Nebraska

Thank you again for your vigilance, Mr. Federici! It's heroes like you that make this world a safer place!

Sincerely,

Wide Right & Natty Lite

**********************************************

Good morning,

As you may or may not be aware, the University of Iowa Hawkeye football team's locker room was burglarized on September 14, 2013 while the Hawkeyes were playing a road game against the Iowa State Cyclones. The thief stole a small amount of cash and some cellular phones from Iowa coaches and players; losses totaling about $2,235.

This week, the suspect was identified as Nicholas Beary, a University of Iowa student and Hawkeye fan. As your school will be playing the University of Iowa football team next year, I wanted to inform you of the criminal actions perpetrated by some University of Iowa students, and recommend you take every security measure necessary when your team plays the Hawkeyes. This may include hiring your own security firm to guard your locker room, installing security cameras on the premises, or just banning Hawkeye fans from your stadium. This last choice may be the most effective option.

Thank you for your time, and please reach out to Paul Federici (director of football operations, University of Iowa) with further questions or concerns you may have about guarding your team's valuables against fans from the University of Iowa.

Sincerely,

Wide Right & Natty Lite