clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

BREAKING: Fred Hoiberg Named Dictator For Life

All hail the unquestioned ruler of basketball in Iowa.

A new dynasty has sprung up in the unlikeliest of spots, a small Midwestern college town in Iowa. No longer content with the title of "Mayor," Fred Hoiberg has been appointed Dictator For Life for Iowa State's basketball program.

"We figured, let's cut to the chase," athletic director Jamie Pollard said. "Iowa State just extended the mayor's contract for an extra two terms last year, and we were going to extend it again this week. But why keep messing around with contracts when we could appoint Fred the absolute and unchallenged ruler of all basketball programs in Ames, Iowa?"

It's a bold move. Adolph Rupp was appointed Colonel at Kentucky sometime in the late 1940's, and Mike Krzyzewski took advantage of a constitutional loophole to seize the Dukedom of North Carolina in a bloodless coup in 1980, but Fred Hoiberg is believed to be the first college coach to be appointed dictator for life.

Iowa State fans subjects seem excited about the news. "I mean, Fred Hoiberg IS Iowa State," Des Moines resident Jesse Bruck gushed. "His cult of personality in this state is larger than the leaders of most Middle Eastern countries. I mean... I mean... Just LOOK at him. I, for one welcome our dreamy new overlord."

Fred Hoiberg seems to be taking his new role in stride. "The people want me here. The people need me here," His Excellency, The Most Exalted Fred Hoiberg explained to his chosen mouthpiece, John Walters of Cyclones.TV. "My reign will be benevolent and sublime. I will bring glory and unity to Cyclone Nation, and crush those who oppose the empire of Iowa State under my boot."

And there's reason to believe that His Excellency will continue to see success in his new role. His old title as mayor gave Hoiberg certain duties and privileges (reserved parking spaces, free drinks in all Central Iowa establishments, deciding vote in the Iowa Senate), but his power was somewhat limited. Now, without the threat of term limits or a referendum from opposing parties, Hoiberg is free to run his program in any way he sees fit.

"Previously, I had to worry about my public image," Fred Hoiberg elucidated. "I couldn't really run up the score on opponents, or use my steely blue eyes to their full effect on the mothers of 5-star recruits. But now that I'm dictator of Iowa State basketball? I am letting Melvin (Ejim), Sherron (Dorsey-Walker) and Georges (Niang) just straight run a TRAIN on Kansas next year. Lawrence, KS is going to look worse than Leningrad, circa January of 1944 after I'm done with it."

So while it's expected that Fred Hoiberg's administration will be just and fair, His Excellency does admit to keeping what he terms an "list of undesirables." As he puts it, "There are certain people who are enemies of the State. The nine other programs in the Big 12, certainly. But also select referees, those who seek to undermine the Cyclone effort. Also, people wearing the black and gold on Iowa State's campus. These are not believers in our glorious cause, and must be dealt with appropriately."

So begins the era of Hoiberg, dictator for life at Iowa State. May he live for a thousand years.