Iowa State Rocked By Onslaught Of Mundane Scandals

Ames, IA - In recent days, Iowa State University has been shaken by a torrent of minor setbacks. The deluge of banal bullshit, which is barely worth mentioning because it is so goddamn tedious, has rocked the school and its fans to the core.

Most recently, the sports world was shocked when ISU defensive end Willie Scott was picked up by Ames police for possessing 0.1 grams of marijuana, a pathetically small amount of weed that's barely enough to get someone high. Willie Scott, AKA History's Greatest Monster for possessing and allegedly smoking a pitifully minuscule amount of pot is currently suspended indefinitely.

But that's just the latest in a string of reckless, outlaw behavior from a school that will apparently stop at nothing to break the rules in the tamest way possible. Last week, the Iowa State athletic department was publicly chastised for revealing that they had conducted a thorough investigation of possible recruiting violations in all sports, resulting in a whopping total of 1,484 "impermissible" calls, of which 1,405 were the result of coaches not properly recording their calls. These 79 intentional violations constitute a stunning 0.000105% of the total recruiting calls made over the three year period covered in ISU's report.

Defensive tackles coach Shane Burnham, one of the individuals named in Iowa State's investigation, clarified the accused's position. "I ain't got time to remember every missed call I ever made to a recruit, I'm trying to win some gah'damn football games!" Burnham then paused to spit what was presumably tobacco juice into a paper cup before continuing. "I mean, what is this happy horseshit? I gotta record every call I make to a recruit, even if I don't get anybody on the phone? 'Scuse my language, but that's the dumbest fuckin' thing I ever heard." At this point, Burnham abruptly walked away, muttering obscenities under his breath.

Iowa State's own report, which is seriously recommended reading for insomniacs, details a widespread culture of corruption at the university that resulted in several hundred missed calls going unreported. This rogue behavior cannot and will not be tolerated by the NCAA, an organization that has levied stiff penalties against formerly squeaky-clean programs like Auburn, Miami and North Carolina.

But flagrant disregard for the proper documentation of recruiting calls and the possession of tiny amounts of a widely-used controlled substance aren't Iowa State's only slight disgraces. Readers may remember Jamie Pollard's run-in with the law at a high school basketball game earlier this year, when Iowa State's athletic director politely told a referee that he'd made a bad call and was promptly ejected for it. Outbursts like these from the head of the athletics paint a chilling picture of a department gone mad with negligible amounts of power.

Randy Peterson, sportswriter for the Des Moines Register explained his paper's coverage of recent events. "Look, newspaper readership is declining everywhere, and it's especially tough to grow in a low population state like Iowa. And holy cow, did you SEE yesterday's headline? Our top story was about how Des Moines is gaining ground on Hartford fucking Connecticut in the insurance business. That's it. Our banner story was about insurance. I mean... my god. We need something to write about."

Something to write about, indeed. Something like a "major" violation, which is how the NCAA classifies Iowa State's recruiting violations. The NCAA is expected to make a decision regarding ISU's fate sometime within the next month, and NCAA president Mark Emmert discussed the possible penalties. "Our organization takes recruiting compliance very seriously, and we find this mundane scandal that was self-reported and investigated by the university to be the worst kind of crime. I have the details of the report in front of me, and... and... I think... best course of action would be..." At this point, Mr. Emmert's eyes shut fully, his head came to rest gently against his chest and he began to snore softly.

To sleep, Mr. Emmert, perchance to dream. Dream of the penalties Iowa State will face for the most boring fucking scandals to ever envelop an athletic program.