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Where Have You Been, David?

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A last ditch love song to win the heart of Mr. Ubben.

We promise your head will not take the place of this helmet on Paul Rhoads' mantle, David.
We promise your head will not take the place of this helmet on Paul Rhoads' mantle, David.
USA TODAY Sports

After repeated efforts, ESPN writer David Ubben still has not accepted WRNL's offer to visit Ames. This has left most of us confused and afraid, because we're not quite sure what David is doing with his time besides making horrible predictions. But maybe our offers of free alcohol and food at ISU tailgates has been misunderstood by David. Maybe David actually believes that if he visits Ames, he will be eaten as the free food. Maybe he's read WRNL's comments for free "grilled pork ribs" or "smoked brisket" and misinterpreted them as "grilled Ubben ribs" or "smoked Ubben." Either way, we want to assure you David, that the ISU fan base is not made up of cannibals. We will not eat you, David Ubben. Surely all of us can understand David's rational fear of being eaten alive in Ames, Iowa. I myself, have that fear whenever I visit the toilet.

Again David, you will NOT be eaten alive if you visit Ames.

So our offer still stands, David. This time with my personal guarantee that someone will not try to cook you. And as an assurance, I've decided to appeal to your artistic side, David. After hours of computer hacking research, we've found that David's favorite musical artist is none other than the illustrious Kathy Mattea. Most likely for David's fondness for Billy Big Riggin' and Lot Lizards. Either way we have taken the time to put together this special presentation for just you, David.

So with no further ado, I present the lovely and talented Ms. Kathy Mattea!

Well, here we are David. How much longer must we dance this dance? Just say yes and come to Ames.