College Football, We Need To Talk

Hey there... you! Thanks for meeting me here. What's that? Why yes, I suppose you're right; a crowded coffee shop at one o'clock in the afternoon IS an odd place to have a romantic dinner.

But here, have a seat. There's something I think we need to talk about.

College football, this is difficult for me to say, because we just got back together. I know I begged you to come back into my life. And I meant every word I said.

Meant every word I said at the time, I mean. But it's starting to occur to me that I may have been a little hasty.

Listen, sometimes when you miss something, you can build it up and idealize that thing so much that you start to forget its flaws. That thing, or that relationship just becomes this perfect archetype of everything you want in your life. It's this unattainable fantasy.

But then you get that thing, or achieve that goal or get in that relationship, and you see all the flaws in the fantasy. You start to remember the things that annoyed you, the fights and the tension that made life miserable... Do you see where I'm going with this?

'Cause that's where I'm right now, college football. While you were gone, I spent all this time thinking about you and wanting you and needing you back in my life. But now that you're here, I remember all the problems we have when we're together; the very real problems that haven't gone away.

College football, I think we need to take a break.

Look, I just think we're at very different places in our lives. We have very different needs and we might not be right for each other. I like tailgating and cheering for my team and watching them win season openers against FCS teams. You don't like any of those things. You like Alabama winning three national championships in four years and triple-digit temperatures and making Iowa State lose to Northern Iowa.

Yeesh... Northern Iowa. And this isn't the first time that's happened, I might add.

I can't put up with this! I'm a fan, I have needs. Baby, I want to support you and give you everything you need, but you just make it so IMPOSSIBLE sometimes. I thought things were going to be different this time, but everything's the same as before. Worse, in fact.

College football, I knew there'd be challenges, but I didn't think they'd be this tough. It seems like I've been with you my whole life, through your ups and downs, through the good times and the bad. And it's been really difficult, and I'm really tired of it. Every week there's a new drama, every week there's a new problem that I have to deal with. "Oh, Texas and Oklahoma are fighting, why can't they just get along? I think North Carolina is cheating to get ahead at work. Penn State has been doing terrible, terrible things that I don't even want to talk about."

That's you. That's what you sound like.

And in the end, I have to do what's best for me. We're not getting any younger, you know. I need to start thinking about my future. Is this really a relationship that I want to be in for the rest of my life? I'm starting to think it might not be.

Oh, you want to talk about commitment? Great! Let's get right into it! Let's talk about GENE. Yeah, that's right, you thought I'd forgotten about him, didn't you? You conniving little... How could you cheat on me with that cockrag? Bringing him around, saying "Oh, he's just a friend, you two should hang out! You have so much in common!"

You know that lying little shit stole my wallet? And then you run off with him for some lover's retreat down south? Fuck him, and fuck you too.

Sorry, sorry, sorry... That was harsh. Don't cry. I don't want to sound like I'm attacking you. You're great. I'M the problem. I just can't handle the emotional roller coaster you put me through every week, and I need something more stable. You need someone who can support you and give you all the attention you need, even when you're being completely unpredictable and crazy. You know that old saying, there are plenty of fans in the stadium. Any one of them would be lucky to be with you.

You know, in a way, I'm still in love with you. But in another, more accurate way, I'm completely sick of you right now and I don't want to see you anymore. But that doesn't mean we can't still be friends, right? This doesn't mean we'll never see each other again, it just means I need a little time to focus on myself, on the things that make me happy. Maybe in a week or two we can get back together in Ames and see how things are going.

There you go, dry those tears. With all you have going for you, you'll find some new fan in no time. And umm, this is might seem a little awkward, but do you still have your friend basketball's number? I've been meaning to catch up...