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So God Made a Hawkeye

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USA TODAY Sports

The Super Bowl has been over for months, but if you're a red-blooded, farmer loving Iowan, there's no way you have forgotten about the Dodge Ram commercial featuring Paul Harvey's epic "So God Made a Farmer" speech from the late 70's.


Naturally, when blessed with an angel's voice like Paul was, some folks are just more able to channel the Big Guy than others. As we all know, Paul Harvey was one of those folks. What some of may not know is that Intoxcycated, Schizophrenic Cycho, and myself were also all born with the gift. Following that Super Bowl commercial, the Lord independently revealed himself to us, and wanted us to spread his word via another campaign. The following post is essentially, unadulterated Divine Word.

...and God looked down on the Midwest and said, "I need an ambassador, someone who can go to Iowa and extoll the virtues of Chicago, omitting its corruption and rampant gun violence, even though they came from Waukegon, Elgin, Naperville, or Rockford."
...so God made a Hawkeye.

God said, "I need someone to wake up at the crack of noon, drink beer, spend all afternoon making meth, drink beer again, come home, beat their girlfriend, then stay up after midnight watching a VHS tape of the 2010 Orange Bowl and masturbating in front of their Hayden Fry shrine."
...so God made a Hawkeye.

God said, "I need somebody to stay up all day Saturday with the football team, and watch them lose to Northwestern, then dry their eyes and say, 'Maybe next year.'"
...so God made a Hawkeye.

God said, "I need a college student whose father makes nearly $4,000,000 per year to reside in publicly subsidized housing complexes for the underprivileged and destitute".
...so God made a Hawkeye.

God said, "I need a pudgy, unfunny actor to rise to fame via marrying an overweight sociopath actress".
...so God made a Hawkeye.

God said, "I need a photogenic, no-talent ass clown to wear 'trucker' hats ironically".
...so God made a Hawkeye.

God looked at all the poor co-eds in Iowa City who were not experiencing the joys of forced sexual activity and said "I need someone to misinterpret the meaning of the word 'no'. Twice."
...so God made a Hawkeye.

So God looked down on the all Iowans who were unable to watch college football on television and said "I need a perpetually drunk ex-football player to rant about poor officiating over the radio waves, stare at fat women's breasts at public functions, pass out on the steps of the Old Capitol building, and get hit by a car while trying to cross the street".
...so God made a Hawkeye.

...and God looked at his creation and knew man would have to work to reap the fruits of the gridiron. He said, "I need a man to command his workers to squat three times their body weight, run sprints, vomit, wipe their brow and do it all again until their was blood in their urine and they suffer kidney failure."
...so God made a Hawkeye

God said, "I need someone who will drink a Zima, and like it, but is so self-conscious about what his friends would think he hides the rest in the bushes, and when he gets busted, would rather admit to being an alcoholic than admit to liking Zima."
...so God made a Hawkeye

God said, "I need someone with audacity. Someone willing to go to a stadium and commit adultery in the bathroom. Someone willing to don black and gold, and disparage a man with a degree from a four-year university. Someone who is loud and proud, no matter if they have a GED, got rejected by Illinois, flunked out of Kirkwood, or even went to UNI."
...so God made a Hawkeye

God said, "I need someone to drink to the point where a normal person cannot see straight. Then drink some more before entering the game. Someone who will attempt to get onto the field and be arrested by police and then claim to blow a .341 all while posting on Twitter about it."
...so God made a Hawkeye

There you have it folks. Straight from the mouth of God himself. The next time that an idiot wearing black and gold tries your patience, remember that it's just another creature in God's glorious kingdom.