This Week: Trolledo University
Okay Trolledo, now it's time for you to cooperate. I don't know if you were paid for this game or not, but either way this game was scheduled for you to lay down. Us real football teams need these guaranteed wins so we can get some of that bowl money! So go ahead and take notes from North Dakota State, and lay down already. Please?
When I first started writing these informative articles, I was rather excited to write about Ohio. I felt new and exotic to be writing about a state that we usually wouldn't even think about. We seem to think a lot more about fly-over states because, "That's who we are and that's who we care about." But really, for how many people who live in your state, nothing seems to have ever happened there. Sure, the Buckeyes won some stuff, but that's about it. Even your history is rather dull.
I was expecting your state to be rich with racism, land stealing, and war. While I'm sure there has been plenty of racism and land stealing going on, it has nothing on Oklahoma. But I did find a war! Well, kinda. You once went to "war" with Michigan. You should probably make them your rival state or something. But anyways, it was actually called the "Trolledo War", which is convenient for us. But we will save that for the next section :).
But Ohio has actually been in the news as of late. For good things! As everyone knows, Lebron and Johnny 8ball now live in Ohio. Well, Cleveland to be specific. And Cleveland is THE WORST. It's like Detroit's little brother. And if you are at all related to Detroit, the entire community will shun you and give you glares. And we do. Yeah, yeah, we know Cleveland is not Trolledo. But you are both in Ohio. So the only way to disassociate yourself from Cleveland is to be annexed to Michigan. Do it.
Out of all the cities in Ohio, Trolledo might actually have the most history of them all. Is it good history? Depends on who you ask. But if you were to ask me, I find it rather STUPID, As I mentioned above, there was this thing called the, "Trolledo War". Basically, Michigan and you couldn't decide if a strip of land - aptly named the "The Trolledo Strip" - was their's or not. But this "war" didn't have any bloodshed. Well, not exactly. The only bloodshed in this conflict was when, a man named Two Stickney stabbed a Michigan Deputy Sheriff in the leg with a PEN KNIFE. He did this in defense of his brother, One Stickney. Wait, what? There was a family who named their sons, One and Two? ONE AND TWO. NUMBERS ARE NOT NAMES. THIS IS STUPID. You even named a road after these two. THAT IS STUPID. YOU ARE STUPID.
This family also had a daughter. What do you think they named her? Whatever you just thought was completely wrong. They named her...Indiana. This is dumber than naming her Three. At least if she was named Three the family would have shown commitment and consistency. They gave up on the whole, name-your-children-and-count-them-at-the-same-time strategy 2/3 of the way through. Gutless. And named her after a different neighboring state? STUPID GUTLESS TRAITORS.
Stadium: GLASS BOWL
I'm sorry for all the caps so far in this article, but things are starting to get alarmingly STUPID. You named it the GLASS BOWL because you decided to renovate it with a bunch of glass. Like blocks of glass. What does that mean exactly? Is it there as "art"? Or there for structural integrity? Because I don't suggest that. Glass breaks. And so does everyone's spirit when they enter. You also have a rocket pointed towards Bowling Green? This is an act of war and Bowling Green should respond accordingly. But I know Trolledo would never use such rocket. They are gutless (see above).
Mascot: Rocky the Rocket
"Rocky the Rocket" is not a rocket. Or is he? Seems to me he is more like a "Space Man with Uggs" or something. Either way, you never cease to amaze me with your STUPID. And you didn't stop there. You recently brought in Rocky's wife/sister, "Rocksy the Rockette"! Unless you couldn't tell by the name, you know she's a girl because her helmet has a ponytail. I'm so sick of your STUPID. At least it's better than your last mascot? Nope they are equally terrible and STUPID.
When I say relativity, I'm not invoking the famous theory by Einstein. I'm using it to describe how your team has played. Your offense is actually rather impressive...relatively. You're top 40 in scoring offense and top 25 in rushing offense. That's pretty good...relative to your schedule. According to Sagarin, your strength of schedule is currently sitting at 93rd. Iowa State's currently sits at 2nd (ugh). By no means has Iowa State been impressive, but our record and stats reflect said schedule. But all I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is, I don't think your offense is really as good as the stats suggest. And your defense has been bad (94th), even with that schedule.
With all this being said, I really don't know a damn thing about the Trolledo Rockets. I haven't seen one play, highlight, or ugly cheerleader. I'm just hoping MACtion can wait until a Tuesday night in November.
Coach: Matt Campbell
Matt Campbell is a young dude. He is 34 and has already been the head coach of Trolledo for 2 seasons already. That makes me wonder what I'll be doing at age 34. I'll probably be writing some self-deprecating hack articles for some obscure sports blog while not coaching D1 football. Life just isn't fair! But, Matt Campbell, you are not STUPID. Unless you do the unthinkable....
If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than Trolledo, don't hesitate to share.