This week: University of Texas
- Operating expenses per player: $41,500 to $28,700.
- Team operating budget: $27.7 million to $14.9 million.
- Football revenue: $109 million to $25 million.
I don't need to tell you which is which. And for all those monetary advantages Texas has, they share the same record as Iowa State. So just divide all those numbers up there by two, and that will tell you how much each win so far has "cost" each school. I'm not going to math those numbers for you. This isn't science class. But what the numbers do say is that Texas is a poor excuse for a "flagship" school. And they deserved to be punished. For more than one reason:
State: Texas County: Travis
If you remember back to the Baylor Troll, there is a lot wrong with the State of Texas. I couldn't/can't come up with a logical system to equally spread all the wrong around to the Big 12 Texas schools. So I decided to keep it local-ish and tear your county a new one instead. Unfortunately for us, not much seems to happen outside of Austin in Travis County. But by the grace of Jeebus, Travis County has some funny-ass town names:
- Bee Cave - Are there bats in this cave too? If so, nuke this place into orbit because that's terrifying.
- Jonestown - We like to drink the Kool-Aid around here too.
- Pflugerville - I'm guessing the "P" is silent but either way this sounds like the place where you keep your dead.
- The Hills - Where the old, rich people live before they go to Pflugerville.
- Garfield - LASAGNA LOLZ
- Jollyville - Michael Jackson's second home theme park.
- Lost Creek - Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Lost Creek
- Onion Creek - I don't want to go here.
- Marshall Ford - You don't name a town after someone's full name. One name. Figure it out wierdo's.
- New Sweden - Don't be little brother to Sweden. It's pathetic.
- Pilot Knob - Denzel Washington would be proud. SPOILER: He's a drinking, smoking, snorting, sexin' airline pilot.
"Keep Austin Weird" is a local slogan for this city. It was used to promote local small businesses so it had good intentions. But funny thing about this is that Austin has like, A TON of corporations taking a hot poo on the little guy. This is a pretty good metaphor for our upcoming game so Iowa State should STICK IT TO THE MAN and beat your hypocritical ass. But let's get back to how weird Austin is. I identified three local events that are firmly placed in the weird:
Eeyore's Birthday Party actually sounds kinda fun if it wasn't full of 'Murica hating hippies. How did you let this happen? I thought you were Texas and didn't stand for such tomfoolery? Plus Eeyore is a giant coward. Winnie the Pooh would stomp that fool.
Yes that's right, this is a festival for and about SPAM. As we all know SPAM sucks all the ass. But you idiots have a festival where you make crazy recipes and sculptures out of SPAM. Entries include: GuacaSPAMole, SPAMguini, and SPAMalama Ding Dong. Weird.
This is a competition where people compete to see who has the best puns. In public. And get awards. All puns are inherently stupid but make us laugh anyways. WORDS WITH SIMILAR SOUNDS AND DIFFERENT MEANINGS MAKE ME HAHA LAUGH LAUGH. So in honor of this let's make some bad puns about Texas:
- "SWHOOPIES THERE IT ISN'T"
- "MALCOLM BROWN'S EYE"
- "PASS TO SHIPLEY SAILED"
- "STRONG DISCIPLINE"
- "THIS STEAK IS WELL DONE"
- MATTHEW MCCONAUG-HEY I'VE BEEN DRIVING LINCOLNS WAY BEFORE IT WAS COOL"
Give me that damn award.
Stadium: Darrell K Royal - Texas Memorial Stadium
I honestly don't have much on this stadium. I'm sorry Cyclone Nation. They haven't decided to place a statue of Mack Brown there yet, which chaps my ass. It's named after a former coach who fought in WWII and then led them to three national championships - and every other Texas veteran. If I were to make some jokes about a Memorial stadium I would be a cold hearted, 'Murica hating, hippie. And I ain't no hippie.
But I did find one thing. This stadium is ONLY THE 2ND BIGGEST IN TEXAS! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE 2ND FIDDLE TO A&M?!? YOU SHOULD HAVE A FOOTBALL GAME AND HASH OUT YOUR DIFFERENCES.
Mascot: Bevo the Longhorn
Your mascot is a big dumb animal with shit for brains. But we do eat these delicious shit for brains creatures all the time. If you didn't know, it's what's for dinner. I like my steak medium-rare, by the way. That makes me wonder...what happens to Bevo when he dies? Do you bury him with the rest of the former Bevo's? Or do you chop that tasty treat up and sell it to alumni? You could probably get at least a mill for him. Those good ol' boys down there would pay a pretty penny to have the spirit of Texas deep inside them. Just like their fraternity days.
Your team has had a total of nine players booted from your squad so far this year. And your quarterback had to quit football to avoid early onset of swiss cheese brain (CTE). This is actually the best thing to happen in your season so far. A young man held his own life and health above Texas Football. Good for him. But the rest of the team was booted for being weird and stupid. This has left your team's offense to be mostly anemic. Which is good for us. Do you still have enough players to field a defense? If you do, I don't want to talk about it. Even with all this attrition you somehow managed to beat Kansas. Hot damn, you must have an amazing coach...
Coach: Charlie Strong
Here stands the
man disciplinarian who leads your precious Horns. So far the only thing he has succeeded at is booting good troublesome players. He just seems like a big, whiny baby to me. "YOU DON'T AGREE WITH MY ARCHAIC METHODS OF COACHING?!? YOU'RE BOOTED AND I WILL NEVER CONFORM TO MODERN IDEAS AND PRACTICES. LIKE OFFENSE. I MUST NOW GO TAKE YOUR PLACE IN PRACTICE."
If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than Texas, don't hesitate to share.