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Stooping To A New Level

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Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Iowa State hosts Oklahoma this week and if history is any indicator of what will happen, the Cyclones will likely lose...and it won't be close. Such has been the all too familiar story of this series as the Sooners have laid waste to Iowa State repeatedly for the better part of a full century. The all-time series sits at 5-71-2 in favor of the Crimson and Cream from Norman with Iowa State's last win coming in 1990.

But this isn't a story about the Sooners per se, or even this week's game. No, this is an indictment on an individual that is universally regarded as scum - Bob Stoops.

That's right, this week we set aside a special place to talk about the Sooner head coach. You see, Bob Stoops is an asshole. Not only is he an asshole, but he might be the biggest asshole in all of college football.

Lately, Stoops has tried to get in the good graces of the rest of the Big 12, standing up to the mighty SEC hype machine and calling out his closest challenger to Supreme Asshole status, Nick Saban, but I'm not fooled and you shouldn't be either.

Pointing out how big of an asshole Stoops is may seem like a pointless exercise as it's pretty much accepted that it's one of those things that kind of goes without saying, but indulge me here.

The list of qualifying offenses against Stoops is both long and painful to rehash. The fact that he's a Hawkeye is reason enough to think less of him, but let's look back at some of Iowa State's personal history with Stoops' to prove the point:

  • 1999 - Bob Stoops is hired by Oklahoma and dons a visor for the first time. It's a well-known fact that the visor is the most associated article of clothing when it comes to identifying an asshole. (Important Distinction: Wearing Ray-Bans on the sidelines does not make you look like an asshole, but does make you look like a self-righteous douche, ain't that right Kliff Kingsbury?).
  • 2002 - #9 Iowa State rides into Norman at an all-time high. The Cyclones are 6-1 and 3-0 in Big 12 play. Seneca Wallace is not only in the Heisman race, but is considered by many to be a favorite. On the fourth play of the game after Iowa State had gone three-and-out, Oklahoma blocked a punt and just like that, the Sooners were up 7-0. It only got worse. Oklahoma blanked Iowa State in the first half, going up 35-0 and racking up an astounding 225-4 yardage edge. For the game, Iowa State only managed a measly 60 yards of offense and the final score ended up at 49-3. Wallace's Heisman dreams were crushed, finishing the game 4-22 for 43 yards and three interceptions. The devastating loss sent the Cyclones into a crippling tailspin that saw Iowa State win just one of their remaining six games, finishing up the year at 7-7. While not blatantly exuding any type of asshole-ish qualities in this game, it planted the seed in most Iowa State fan's minds that this guy might be a prick, if for no other reason than he looked like one and we were all pissed off anyway, so why not be pissed at Stoops?
  • 2006 - With Oklahoma holding a 27-9 lead with less than seven minutes left in the game, Stoops kept star running back, Adrian Peterson, in the game for seemingly no other reason than to make the margin of victory a little more one-sided. Wanting to oblige his head coach, Peterson broke off a 53-yard run to drive the final dagger into Iowa State's chest, but that wasn't the only thing he broke. Peterson broke his collarbone on the that play and missed the rest of the regular season. This was far from the first time and certainly far from the last time that Stoops would try to run up the score on a woeful Cyclone team, but this time, it cost him.
  • 2010 - After Iowa State suffers a 52-0 shutout at the hands of the Sooners, Bob Stoops casually mentions that he challenged his defense to a shut out and he's pleased that they held up their end of the bargain. Now, it takes a next level-type asshole to A) just casually throw that out there in the post-game press conference and B) even generate that thought in the first place. If you needed any more proof that Stoops has absolutely no respect for Iowa State, well then here you go.
  • 2011 - Oklahoma is up 26-6 with less than six minutes left in the game and despite just being stopped on third down and in their own territory, Stoops leaves his offense out on the field to once again make the margin of victory look a little more comfortable. I vividly remember this act eliciting a phrase from me that included the term, "cocksucker". Once again, this pointless gamble came back to bite Stoops in the ass as the Sooners threw an interception. Iowa State failed to put points on the board, but that wasn't the point. Stoops is the king of this type of shit and has a penchant for pulling it out against the Cyclones.
  • 2013 - Oklahoma beats Iowa State 48-10 in Norman, but that's not the story here. The night before the game, Barry Switzer, a world class asshole in his own right, sent a Tweet to Stoops congratulating him on tying his all-time wins mark at Oklahoma. Stoops didn't respond to the Tweet and deflected the question in the post-game presser, but I'm sure he and Switzer had a hearty laugh about the matter because, well, they're assholes.

Now, if you're reading through these anecdotes and thinking to yourself, "hmm, I think this just proves that Iowa State sucks and isn't good enough to beat Stoops and the Sooners," well first off, you're partially right, but let's not focus on that.

Stoops doesn't simply set out to beat opponents, especially over matched ones like Iowa State. He sets out to embarrass them and then acts smug about it in the post-game press conference. And this isn't just an Iowa State thing. Take a stroll around the conference and ask other fans what their thoughts on Stoops are. If we conducted a poll asking who the most hated man in the conference is, Stoops would win in a landslide. I'm not even sure there would be a viable second-place candidate.

I have never met Bob Stoops and only have observations and a few quotes to back up this disdain, but you know what? I'm a fan. I don't have to be rational or thorough or even accurate. If I think Bob Stoops is an asshole and I know that most other people share this sentiment, well then asshole it is.

The fact of the matter is that Bob Stoops is an asshole because we need him to be an asshole. Who else in the Big 12 on the football side of things can we all universally hate? Bill Snyder is too respected and too respectful to garner that type of hate. Charlie Strong hasn't been at Texas long enough to generate any feelings of loathing. I'd argue that Art Briles and Mike Gundy are hateable, but not even within the same stratosphere of Stoops. As mentioned above, Kingsbury is more of a douche than an asshole. Gary Patterson is a strong candidate, especially if you're in Waco or Lubbock, but he ain't Stoops. Paul Rhoads and whomever is the head chef in the Kansas shit kitchen are pitied more than they're hated. Dana Holgerson? We all fucking love the guy.

So yeah, with apologies to The Dark Knight, Stoops may not be the asshole we deserve, but he's the asshole we need right now.