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The Weekly Troll: Oklahoma

Now that most of us have had at least a week to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it's time to not do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fan base, are far better than those mouth-breathers.

Too much booze to drink in Oklahoma
Too much booze to drink in Oklahoma

This Week: Oklahoma University

After a second tie with Bye, the Weekly Troll has become restless and must now emerge from his shadowy lair for the remainder of the season.  What's that?  Iowa State plays Bye AGAIN in two weeks?  Shit.  Well maybe by then we'll have figured out Bye and can get a GRITTY win.  But before we turn our focus onto Kansas (!) and Bye, it's time for Oklahoma to face the music Troll.

State: Oklahoma

In case you missed it, I previously covered your awful state history in the OSU Troll.  But I skimmed over a major part of your awful state history.  That part is YOU.  And I saved it just for YOU.  After you gave some land to Native Americans, you decided that NAH and took it back for all your well-deserving white people.  And how did you decide to Indian Give your land back to those well-deserving white people?  Just whoever gets there first. Which doesn't make a ton of sense.  Like say, a bidding system would have prevented people from, you know, cheating.  Many well-deserving white people thought they were well-deserving, and just decided to cheat to get their well-deserved land.  They cheated by just claiming their well-deserved land before any said, "Go!".  They left "Sooner" than everyone else.  GET IT?!?!  And even a "Boomer" is something terrible and not  just something they say ALL THE DAMN TIME.  A "Boomer" was a "Sooner" who was even more of a white, well-deserving, self-righteous asshole. They truly thought they deserved it.  And you emulate these people.  You name your teams after them.  You make me sick.

And what if we played football like a "Boomer/Sooner"?  You show up for the game on Saturday at 11 am expecting to play a fair-ish (Big 12) game.  Instead, we showed up the night before and decided that we were just gonna play the game "Sooner" than you.  We won 387-0.  Sorry, we deserved it.

City: Norman, OK

Take everything I just said about the state of Oklahoma and apply it to Norman.  Norman was named after some dude who surveyed the land before the well-deserving white people Boomed too Soon and claimed the land their own.  Why name a town after some surveyor you ask?  Surveyor's are nobodies who float in and out of reality and draw imaginary lines that govern our lives.  They named it after a surveyor because one of those well-deserving white people saw a sign on a tree that said, "Norman's Camp".  Norman?  Every Norman in the history of space-time has been so aggressively boring and forgettable.  But Oklahoma worships this kind of person.  The dude who decided to name it Norman probably had zero clue who boring Norman was and how his name mysteriously got on a tree (God).  Like Stillwater, the first thing he saw was gonna be the name DAGNABIT.  Civil rights and creativity weren't in abundance at this time.  But the protocol for how new stolen towns got their names was plentiful.  First you steal the land, be well-deserving enough to cheat for that land, denounce whatever the Native people were calling that land, and then name the land something totally lame.  I guarantee Norman wore a visor.

Stadium: Gaylord Family - Oklahoma Memorial Stadium

Well here is another stadium named after Veterans.  I can't make fun of that.  But I can make fun of the fact it is also named after the GAYLORD FAMILY.  LIKE DON'T THEY KNOW THAT THE WORD GAY IS IN THERE?!?  That's like a bad word down South and shouldn't be said around children.  But gay marriage actually just became legal in the State of Oklahoma, which is fine because it doesn't affect you.  People should be able to marry their shoe if they want.  People are weird, who cares.  But I'm sure a large number of you Oklahomanians are really bent out of shape about how the GAY AGENDA will soon bring your stolen society to its knees.  It won't, check out Iowa.  I know I just somehow turned a segment about your stadium into a segment about gay rights.  YEAH, SO.  The Troll doesn't troll Veterans so I didn't have much else to go off of.  Except the fact the Gaylord family just gave you a bunch of money like the other Oklahoma school.  Has Freddy Dreamicakes gotten Warren Buffett to be our old, rich, donor guy yet?

PS: I'd totally gay marry Freddy Dreamicakes.

Mascot: Boomer AND Sooner

After all the Boomering and Soonering that we have already gone over, we have to do more.  I know I'm sorry, but Oklahoma just really loves their rich history of being well-deserving ass hats.  They named their real life horses Boomer and Sooner.  They run them on the field after they score and of course they play their fight song, "Boomer Sooner".  It's all too much.  Oh, it's too much you say?  Why not name your other set of fake mascots the same thing, Boomer and Sooner.  How do you know which Boomer or Sooner someone is referring too?  The one who just shit on the field our the one who just got shit on by a baby?  I'm about to punt a box of puppies with all this Boomer Sooner nonsense.  I honestly hope this GIF happens every time you score a touchdown for eternity.  That or never play your fight song ever again.  You can only choose one.

Team: Underwhelming

Yeah, yeah I'm sure you guys play football good sometimes.  But sometimes you don't.  Like when your kicker shit the bed against Kansas State.  Unfortunately, we know how you feel.  Look at the name of the website you're on.  But we were fully expecting you guys to be undefeated at this point of the season and looking for a matchup with Baylor.  But alas, you decided to lose two of your last three games.  So the matchup doesn't have as much acclaim as once thought and you guys are probably a little more pissed off.  Which might not be a good thing.  But like I said you have been a bit underwhelming, which might be a good thing.  Hell I don't know, just don't be an asshole, Bob.

Coach: Bob Stoops

As you may have heard Bob Stoops is an asshole.  He is a Hawkeye who coaches for Oklahoma and likes to run up the score on little ol' Iowa State.  There is no reason for me to rehash everything cylentbutdeadly wrote in his article from earlier this week so I'll just leave it right here for you.  Synopsis: Bob Stoops is an asshole.

If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than Oklahoma, don't hesitate to share.