This week: Texas Tech University
Well Texas Tech fans, this turd fire of a season is finally smoldering to an end for both of us. Time to turn our attention to basketba...oh yeah sorry about that. Like I know you care as much about basketball as you do civil liberties, but the sheer lack of optimism must drive your collective sports spirit into the toilet. As Cyclone fans, we do sympathize with you though. We aren't too far removed from the dark ages of dual football/basketball suckatude. You do have a coach who tries to be as dreamy as Dreamy, so put your faith in that. I know we all have.
But whatever let's all act like we still give a shit about football and troll some Southerns.
State: Texas County: Lubbock
If you can harken back to the times when football was still relevant and enjoyable, I would skip on educating all of you on how much Texas sucks. The suck was too much. So I would instead keep the suck local and inform you about their county. My typical extensive research would involve going to Wikipedia and finding all the good shit. But apparently nothing, like never ever has happened in Lubbock County. Just go check it out. So let's go back to the only thing that might salvage this section by making fun of some of the county's towns.
- Heckville - Make generic southern hick joke here. Or in the comments.
- New Deal - This place must have been founded during the Great Depression. Gonna guess it's still in it.
- Ransom Canyon - Where the parents go to pick up their children.
- Reece Center - Granted, I do like hearing about the center of people.
- Sallowater - But just deep enough to drown.
- Slide - Remember the slide that was too steep and you would always slam your ass on the bottom? That's here.
City: Lubbock, TX
If you haven't noticed yet, Lubbock shares a name with Lubbock County. And Lubbock happens to be where Texas Tech plays. And better yet, Lubbock also happens to be named after Confederate colonel and "strong secessionist", Thomas Saltus Lubbock. Well Texas Tech, your hometown takes the cake for Worst City Name Award! I've covered some pretty dumbass city names in these pieces, and this wins, hands down, guns up. Well after the Civil War you STILL decided to name your county and city after a traitorous slave proponent. I use to not really have a problem with Texas Tech. They were the little sisters of the poor to the rest of the Texas schools, and we as Cyclone fans can identify with that underdog mentality. But now? Fuck that. I will now, always, and forever - vehemently root against Texas Tech until Lubbock changes its name. Change it to Hell, TX. Or Hazmat, TX. Anything else, I don't care. Just something not supporting traitorous slave proponents.
But I do happen to know that conservative southern types, are pretty well stuck in their ways. SEE ABOVE. So I doubt that you will have the moral fortitude to actually go ahead and change your city name. So I took the liberty and started the process for you. Seriously. Go sign the petition - here - and make Obama say something ridiculous about this. Come on Cyclone Nation, we love to do these stupid internet things. Do your part. Do it for America.
Stadium: Jones AT&T Stadium
Man Texas Tech, you can't get anything right. You couldn't have just named your stadium after fallen soldiers like many other Big 12 schools. As you know, the Troll don't troll soldiers. But fortunately for us foresight doesn't seem to be one of your "qualities". All I know about "Jones" is that back in the day he gifted Texas Tech a bunch of money so they could build a decent stadium. The original T. Boone Pickens, if you will. But you didn't stop there. You just had to add something else to the name in honor of free money for athletic relevance. AT&T. UGH. You Texans need to stop naming your stadiums after AT&T. Everyone hates it. You renamed Cowboy Stadium to AT&T Stadium. You know nobody calls it that, right? First it's Jerry World followed by Cowboy Stadium. The only person who calls it AT&T Stadium is Joe Buck and he is contractually obligated to. AT&T is the WORST.
Mascot: Red Raiders?
There is a reason there is a question mark up there. Texas Tech is one of those stupid ass schools who have two mascots. Don't do this. They are The Masked Rider and Raider Red. The Masked Raider is just some dude with a cape and mask on a horse. Kinda looks like he is going to one of those anonymous orgy parties where really ugly people share bodily fluids. And Raider Red? Just Yosemite Sam in a physical form. And if you remember Yosemite Sam, he's always getting outsmarted by some animal. So that's the stereotype you have chosen. I'm certainly fine with that.
Team: Embarrassing, Yet Satisfying
This is all I need to describe Texas Tech football this year. Embarrassing, yet satisfying.
Coach: Not as Dreamy as Dreamy
Well your, Not as Dreamy as Dreamy football coach, is not have a very Dreamy season. His team is regressing from last year. That also happens to be his biggest fear. So maybe your head coach living his worst nightmare, day in and day out, might be hindering his performance. So the only thing he seems to have going for him is his looks. Which doesn't even meet our standards up here. We set the bar pretty high when it comes to Coach Look. Take a gander...
And to further bring down your good looks argument is this guy. I had to work him in here somehow, because reasons.
If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than Taco Tech, don't hesitate to share.