The Weekly Troll: Riot Bowl

This week: West Virginia University

Howdy, Riot Brothers!  Remember that warm fuzzy feeling you got from grain alcohol and a burning couch?  Well, now it's just a warm dizzy feeling from grain alcohol because the optimism has worn off.  Playing Iowa State and coming off three straight loses will do that to you.  When If you win, no one is going out in the streets and burning a love seat in celebration.  Yeah, you're going to a bowl game and all and it's going to be considered a successful season.  But after the hot start, I sense a little bit of apathy in Morgantown.  Speaking of apathy, we have ALL THE APATHY.  In all honesty, it's the only thing keeping Cyclone Nation sane.  The general feeling is to just get this tire fire of a season over with so we can be fully invested in Hoiball.  So if any Riot Bros. are making the trip to Ames, expect to engage The Apathy.  We are Apathy.

State: West Virginia

Oh boy, is it refreshing to write about a "northern" state!  It's refreshing, but not exactly Troll material.  You seceded from Confederate Virginia, abolished slavery, and joined the Union.  I applaud you.  Only West Virginia, Kansas, and Iowa have a respectable creation history in the Big 12.  And no Kansas, I'm not talking about Creationism.  But West Virginia does have something in common with the South- obesity!  West Virginia is the fattest state in the nation!  And West Virginia is also the proud home of TWO of the TOP FIVE fattest cities - #1 Huntington & #5 Charleston.  This is an abomination.  Stop blaming socioeconomic forces and eat a damn carrot.  Your nickname is the "Mountain State", so go do some hiking or something.  It's good for you.  Just check out Colorado.  They have real mountains there and just happen to be the skinniest state.  Take notes 'Neers.  You're suppose to climb up the mountains, not stumble down them.

City: Morgantown

As I highlighted above, West Virginia actually had a pretty decent history compared to some of our southern friends.  So there wasn't much bigotry and hate in Morgantown's history either.  Well minus the whole, killing the Natives thing.  And Morgantown is probably not as fat as the rest of state since - 1. Students from out of state/country 2. College students are hot and tight compared to the rest of the population.  So that's out.  But fortunately there is always one thing that we can rely on, the city name.  Unless you couldn't tell the city name doesn't seem to have much imagination behind it.  Morgan-town.  Lemme guess, it's named after some dude named Morgan?  Zachquill Morgan to be exact.  Only thing I found interesting about Zachquill was his name.  Might be the whitest-black name I've ever encountered.  And I love it.  I'm gonna name my first son Zachquill.  And he's going to be really good at sports and be the coolest kid at school.  And if instead he becomes a nerd I'll just disown him.  I HATE NERDS.  He needs to be like his dad - cool, witty, and full of a false sense of power.  Actually that sounds a lot like Zachquill Morgan's father, Morgan Morgan.  Wait, WHAT.

Stadium: Milan Puskar Stadium

Here is an area that you clearly failed in.  This is yet another stadium named after a dude you just wanted to gift you athletic relevance.  I don't like this.  You need to gather donations the hardworking, blue-collar way.  Like by harassing your recent graduates to give/spend money on you that they don't have.  That's how us Midwestern folk do it, but apparently you backwoods hill people like to take shortcuts.  Also, your stadium becomes the most populous "city" in West Virginia on gameday.  This is way more of a testament to how much people don't want to live in your sorry state than it is about your stadium.  This is almost the same situation as Nebraska.  Wonder what the common denominator is there?  SUCK.

Mascot: Mountaineers

I know it says mascot up there, but it's not a mascot.  It's just some dude.  This dude dresses up in a deer carcass, grows a beard, and shoots blanks - out of an old ass gun.  They decide who "becomes" the "mascot" by who has the least amount of hygiene and how enthusiastically hick they are.  I'm pretty sure this describes most people in West Virginia.  Even women.  So the "winner" needs to be the most extraordinarily, unhygienic hick West Virginia has to offer.  So I get it's a competition, but what I don't understand is how one Yelling Hick is better than the Other Yelling Hick?  They probably all have to use the same cheers and chants so how do they distinguish between the Yelling Hicks if they have no creative freedom (not that they had any)?  So I turn my blame on the section of crowd that Yelling Hick drew for the competition.  If Yelling Hick's section sucks (given), Yelling Hick is boned.  But Other Yelling Hick drew the least-unenthusiastic section and now gets all the Hick Glory.  And with Hick Glory, comes all the Hick Power and Hick Chicks.  IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

Team: Trickett-y

Ever since Clint Trickett showed up at WVU, you have been much better.  A competent quarterback will do that for ya.  Ask Geno Smith.  So Clint Trickett will probably run train up and down the field on us.  Or will he? He unfortunately suffered a concussion last week and is questionable.  But it probably won't matter.  You guys have been a pleasant surprise this season - minus the last three games - and I don't really have any trolly things to say about your team.  Except maybe, just maybe, you let these seniors win a game and we will burn a couch in your honor.  Riot Bros. for life!

Coach: Dana Holgerson

Did you know Dana Holgerson grew up in Mount Pleasant, IA?  I don't know if the State of Iowa should be proud of this or not.  Time will tell.  But I do know of one thing the State of Iowa should NOT be proud of.  Mount Pleasant.  This place is the WORST.  And I have the authority to say this because I had the misfortune of living and working there for a few months.  It's full of Hawkeyes and the only thing of note is that it's 30 minutes from a casino.  Let me describe the town for you - trailer park, trailer park, train tracks, Hawk flag where fat guy with 12 children playing in a kiddie pool, trailer park, corn.  We should annex this town to Missouri.  WHERE IT BELONGS.

So I guess all I'm trying to say is that Dana Holgerson sucks by association with Mount Pleasant.  Don't go there.  Or you will too.

If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than West Virginia, don't hesitate to share.