I'm going to tell you a short story about the last five minutes of my life.
I'm sitting at my desk trying to figure out what combination of words can be properly placed in this first block of text that could even remotely begin to summarize what we all witnessed on Saturday. What is there to say, really, after your football team loses its fourth game in five weeks, this time by 45 points?
I rub my eyes and groan. "What's wrong?" my girlfriend asks.
"I have absolutely no idea how to start talking about this stupid game. What do you even say after something like that?"
"How about..." she pauses, "what the fuck just happened?"
She's a Hawkeye fan and the love of my life, and she kind of has a point. Isn't, "What just happened?" about all we can muster at this point?
There are people in this world who enjoy breaking down the Xs and Os of a football game in order to somehow validate a massacre like the one that went down at Jack Trice Stadium this weekend, but that person is not in this room. It's becoming an all-too-common feeling, but it was that kind of game that gradually became so painfully predictable that the crowd (myself included) had a hard time even feigning frustration.
"Ah, those same ol' Cyclones."
But even still, it has left nearly all of us wondering: What on God's green earth is happening to this football team?
What Went Well
First off, I'm really happy with the gloves I wore to the tailgate. They're hunting gloves, which I think stand alone above the competition in the glove/mitten/outerwear department. They even had those little grips on the palms, so funneling a fifth of Fireball into my mouth
at halftime all afternoon was easier than ever before.
Oh, on the football field? In that case, I guess we can talk about the receiving corps, which is easily the most rapidly improving unit on this team and certainly the one to be most excited about (if that's a feeling your brain still allows you to feel).
On several occasions, E.J. Bibbs was able to draw the attention of multiple defenders. And it's kind of neat to finally be able to say that this Iowa State offense has enough weapons to make opposing defenses pay for that. On such occasions, Sam Richardson found Allen Lazard and D'Vario Montgomery a combined eight times for 139 yards. This doesn't sound overly impressive until you consider that those figures accounted for over half of Richardson's completions and all but 100 of his yards. A relatively low output but a bigger piece of the pie.
Lazard is well on his way to becoming, and possibly surpassing, Lane Danielsen as the most prolific Cyclone wideout of our generation (and please consider the fact that I'm not even old enough to have seen the 80s — a travesty, so I've been told).
In addition, Samuel Defensive Back Richardson also had himself a day, building on to what has proved to be a surprisingly decent season for the undersized junior. Trevor Knight had been known to struggle with reads on occasion this season, and Richardson was able to capitalize twice with interceptions. It was a nice "next man up" sort of performance with Nigel Tribune sidelined with a groin injury.
But Sam E. Richardson was the skinniest kid at the fat camp on Saturday.
What Went Wrong
Five hundred ten yards — 510. Five football fields and then another 30 feet. Twenty-nine percent of a mile. Nearly 150 yards more than Iowa State averages per game from scrimmage total.
This was Oklahoma's rushing output.
Color commentators always like to overuse the phrase, "You could drive a Mack truck through that hole," when referring to running backs hitting gaps at the line of scrimmage, but let me tell you something right now:
Right hand to God, you could truly drive an actual tractor trailer through some of the holes the Sooners' offense live opened up for Trevor Knight, Samaje Perine and Alex Ross on Saturday. No bullshit.
Here's a snippet from KnowDan's game preview from last week:
Except MY GOD, did they ever not need Sterling Shepard.
Oklahoma exposed a weakness that has plagued this Cyclone team week in and week out, all season long, and they executed better than I have seen anyone execute an offensive game plan against Iowa State in years, short of last year's rout at Baylor.
Even then, the numbers weren't this gaudy.
Want more? The Sooners' yards per carry output was 8.6. Eight point six. That's triple Iowa State's yards per carry (which was just a few inches short of a ripe fart) and 3.3 yards longer than their average pass completion.
This was honestly one of those performances that transcends logical explanation and instead is best defined by simply projectile vomiting statistics until you convulse and die.
So let's maybe just do that instead...
The Good Stat
Tyler Brown: 8 carries, 48 yards. And yeah, I know, garbage time and all that. But don't tell me you wouldn't want to see Brown get more run. This running game is worse than abysmal, and that part was neat to watch.
The Bad Stat
Sam Richardson: 15-for-40. A plummeting completion percentage continues to plummet.
The Ugly Stat
OH I DON'T KNOW, PICK ONE. Here's another doozie: 41 first downs, 751 yards from scrimmage. Oklahoma had 24 more first downs than Iowa State had points.
I am OUT.