This week: Kansas University
PUPPY BOWL! TOILET BOWL! FRUIT BOWL! PILLOW FIGHT! MONKEYS THROWING POO AT EACH OTHER!
However you describe the upcoming GAME OF THE CENTURY, it is inadequate in describing the magnitude of suck that will be on display. The last few seasons for each school have been terrifying to say the least. Somehow, Iowa State has had a slightly less terrifying time compared to KU. This has been the one team that Iowa State has been able to walk all over. So, thanks I guess.
Well, look on the bright side guys, we can both fondly look forward to the start of BASKETBALL! Something we are both good at! It's the universe paying sport reparations for how much we have to suffer during the fall. Speaking of that, here's something that will splatter your brain. Did the universe create Lord Dreamicakes who then gave us 3sus to save us all from damnation? Or the other way around? We'll get into this more in just a moment...
When The Troll last touched Kansas, it was mostly about how your state warred with Missouri and helped start the Civil War. But I did manage to leave out one major poop stain that's on your state. EVOLUTION. If you attended a Kansas public school and can read, I implore you to click that link. And since I know you didn't learn it in that school, you need to click that link. You have to click that link. If you want to be considered a functioning member of a rational society, CLICK THE DAMN LINK. Okay now that you have thorough Wikipedia understanding of EVOLUTION, let's use Kansas logic to help you realize how stupid it is to withhold basic knowledge from your children.
"Lord Dreaminess creates the heavens and the Earth (6,000 years ago). He then creates Man in His image and it is
dreamy good. Man becomes decadent and full of sin mediocrity. He sends his only son, 3sus, to save Man from his evil, drunken, mediocre ways. 3sus then turns water into wine 3's and we are saved from eternal fire mediocrity ."
Sounds kinda crazy now doesn't it? OR DOES IT?!?
City: Lawrence, KS
Unlike some other towns we've learned about in this series, Lawrence seems to actually be named after something with a purpose. And that something is Amos Adams Lawrence. He actually seems like a pretty good dude, to be honest. He despised slavery, financed the immigrants who settled in Lawrence, and also financed the start of your university. Coming into this, I thought Lawrence would just be some boring dude that some unoriginal FOLK named a town after. But they did consider naming it Yankee Town or New Boston. Thank 3sus they didn't. I have a feeling you'd be even more insufferable during basketball season if we had to hear, "No one's come into da PHAHHHG and whhon cause dis is NEW BAUUSTIN." in your horrible attempt at a Boston accent. Have fun getting that out of your head, friends.
Other than your town being named something competent for once, Lawrence has had some serious shit go down there. Some dicks from Missouri kept showing up in Lawrence because you like freedom and they don't. They would come and set fire to your town and kill your citizens. Rude. I now understand your deep seeded hatred for Missouri. We hate Missouri because we just consider ourselves better than them. Like morally and such. I think Iowa not having a record of attacking towns for, "not liking slavery" proves this point. Missouri sucks.
Stadium: Memorial Stadium
Here is yet another stadium named after fallen soldiers. And as we are all well aware by now, The Troll don't troll soldiers. I'm proud to see that the Big 12 has so many stadiums dedicated to the ones who gave their lives for our great nation. But part of The Troll doesn't feel satisfied. The Troll wants stadiums to be named after super rich oil men who gifted them athletic relevance. The Troll wants stadiums made of glass. The Troll desires horrible stadium names. You righteously avoided that.
I was really gonna rag on you about how you still had a track around your field in 2013. But unfortunately you finally decided to at least look like you a Big 12 football team and removed the track. So far, no has been fooled by that tactic. And as far as I can tell, you haven't erected any statues of anyone. Which is good in my eyes. But that's probably because there hasn't been anyone of any worth to put up a statue of. Actually the person most deserving of a statue is Mark Mangino. You can borrow him for a bit this weekend if you want to make a casting of him. Come to think of it, that's ALOT of bronze. The football program doesn't have the kind of money for that.
Mascot: Big Jay and Baby Jay
You have two mascots. Or is it three? Either way I hate it. There should be one mascot, everyone knows this. There once was only one mascot, but on October 9, 1971, that all changed. At halftime of a game against KSU, Baby Jay "hatched" on the 50 yard line. Hence forth and forever making KU's mascot game weak as hell. Here is Baby Jay's self-written bio on Wikipedia:
"Address: 3rd Floor of Allen Fieldhouse aka "The Nest" Height: Half the size of Big Jay! Weight: Quite a bit (I haven't lost all my Baby fat…) Jersey Number: #1/2 Favorite Movie: Lion King (Zazu makes me giggle but Scar scares me!) Favorite Activities: Playing with all my friends & Big Jay, Blowing bubbles, Drawing with chalk (Rock Chalk!) Favorite Food: Veggies (keep me strong & my feathers fluffy!) Favorite Band: University of Kansas Marching Band Favorite Song: I'm a Jayhawk Favorite Books: "The Three Little Jayhawks" & "Max & the Jayhawks"
This is some very poor writing. Format and grammar are out the window. Plus all these things are completely CHILDISH. But you're saying to yourself, "Baby Jay is a baby. He/she is going to act like a baby." Baby Jay is not a baby. As stated above, Baby Jay was born in 1971. This makes Baby Jay 43 years old. What are you teaching your mascots down there besides Creationism? Baby Jay needs to grow up and get a damn job like the rest of us. Your social teachings hindered Baby Jay from this. Hope you're proud.
Team: Worse than us...we think
These last two sections are going to be short and sweet, for obvious reasons. You have been the one team Iowa State has been able to roll over for the last four years. And Iowa State hasn't been what you would call, "contenders" those years. We should be able to move the ball fairly consistently and hold whoever is on your offense to less points than we have. We are ready for a conference win. Don't screw this up for us.
Since you went off and fired your second busty coach in recent memory, I have no idea who your coach is. I've only seen him a few times on the scary Big 12 coach-morphing commercial. You suspiciously got him into that thing rather quickly after letting Contract Charlie go. Did you have him taped because you knew you had to fire Contract Charlie before the season ever started? BIG 12 CONSPIRACY. This dude is a dead man walking.
If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than Kansas, don't hesitate to share.