The Weekly Troll: TCU

This week: Texas Christian University

Let me be the first last to officially congratulate TCU on making the inaugural College Football Playoff!  It was a wonderfully surprising season that will lead to a chance at the title...even though you may not win the Big 12.  And in anticipation of this, the Big 12 decided the whole, "One True Champion" thing backfired.  So now it's, "Co-True Champions" or something.  But alas, this is the final game of the season for our Cyclones.  This is also makes this the last installment of The Weekly Troll.  I know, I know, you're all super bummed and now life has no meaning.  But Winter is coming so it's time for the Troll to go into hibernation and Dreamy to take center-stage.

But whatever, this is supposed to be about a football game that is going to be a blood orgy.  The powers that be decided it would be good to showcase this blood orgy on national TV.  UGH.  Bad for us, good for the Big 12.  Typical.  But if it somehow, someway, is actually a semi-close-ish game and TCU gets bumped by OSU or whoever, I'd legitimately be upset.  This will probably upset some of Cyclone Nation, but seriously.  Yeah the whole country gets to witness our public execution, while probably affecting recruiting and who knows else.  But the net gain from all that Playoff Money and conference exposure is greater than not having that happen.  It's not like our perception and recruiting could get much worse anyways.  Using the Playoff money FOR recruiting is our best bet here.  I'm not saying tank the game by any means, but the Playoff money is our most favorable scenario.

This is turning into The Weekly Troll: ISU.  Maybe we deserve it.

State: Texas County: Tarrant County

Per the usual, I'm skipping writing about Texas and keeping the suck local-ish.  Fort Worth is actually part of four counties, but mostly in Tarrant County.  Almost 2 million people live in this county, so I'm sure you have some real gems for me to use against you.  But unfortunately, Wikipedia isn't sharing.  And I'm not going to put in the effort to find anything else at this point in our season.  But I did find one thing.  As most southerns, you tend to name stuff after things that don't age so well.  You named your county after Edward H. Tarrant, Indian Killer.  It seems to be his specialty, really.  I hope you're proud.  Lubbock and you should get together and shoot the shit about bigotry, slavery, and genocide.  When you two get together it's always a hoot....

And there is always the a few of the county town names that are a bit eye opening...

• Edgecliff Village - No rich white people
• Flower Mound - A couple hippie white people
• Pelican Bay - A few drunk white people
• Richland Hills - Mostly middle upper-class rich white people
• Trophy Club - All upper-class rich white people
• White Settlement - THIS IS REAL.

City: Fort Worth, TX

Okay, now that I've put up an effort for a quarter of this article, it's totally time to mail-it-in.  Did you see the preview?  It was a glorious masterpiece of, "Who gives a shit."  It's only what this game - this season - deserves at this point.  So I'll try to say a funny thing or two, add in a few pictures/GIFs and BAM perfect mail-it-in article.

Fort Worth was established as one of the many forts that were set up as protection against the Mexicans in the Mexican-American War.  So that's good and all, but we just kinda took a lot of land from Mexico.  I'd usually say something about how this wasn't fair and blah blah blah.  But in all honestly I really don't care.  Screw Mexico.  The only good part of Mexico is the beach on an all-inclusive resort.  Because it's essentially the farthest thing from Mexico - in Mexico.  I don't trust Real Mexico.

Stadium: Amon G. Carter Stadium

I'm not going to do any real research into Amon G. Carter.  All I found was your stadium history is full of people just giving you money for some of that athletic relevance.  And Mr. Carter gave a "generous gift" to the university.  This isn't unusual I've come to find.  I actually wish we could name our stadium, Jack Trice Field at Bill Gates Stadium at Warren Buffet Plaza, or something.  We'd get the most athletic relevance money while still keeping the best stadium name in college sports involved.  We'd be the envy of the money grubbin' south.  YeeHaw.

Mascot: Horned Frog

Well let me do a little clarification here.  Their mascot is the Horned Frog but its name is Super Frog.  Super Frog dresses in full football gear. This is entirely unnecessary.  Is he expecting to get into the game and play against Big 12 quality football players (well, mostly)?  Is he/it good enough?  What position does he play?  Can we borrow him for a couple years?  Anyways, the Horned Frog is not a frog at all.  It's a damn lizard that shoots blood-orgy-blood out its damn eyeballs.  That's actually a pretty terrifying creature.  Don't  mess with Blood Lizard.  Blood Lizard scary.  Obligatory, RIBBIT RIBBIT MOTHERFUCKER.

Team: OH GOD NO

Coach: Gary Patterson

Be gentle Gary.  Be gentle.

If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are  better something something than TCU, don't hesitate to share.