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An Open Letter to the Student Section

Hey students, Norman Underwood hates you and your lack of style, but he's here to help you turn things around.

Look at yourselves, current ISU students.

Just look at yourselves. What do you see when you look yourselves? Is it something awesome? Is it the duck face you just made in your last OMGATHILTONTOTESMCGOTES selfy?

When I look at a screen shot of the ISU student section for any game that doesn't involve a Top 10 team or Iowa, I see the following:

1. Empty seats. Like 75% of the seats allotted you in the upper deck.

2. Disinterest in the game itself. Most of you are sitting there playing with your phones, tweeting selfies and making stupid memes with intentional grammar errors. Is a high-flying year-long Top 15 squad with a penchant for playing tight, close games not enough for you to be entertained?

3. Bitchassedness. Yes, that's right. Bitchassedness. It's a ridiculous made-up word, but it cuts to the heart of what the real issue in this ISU student section, and perhaps the Youth of Today in general, is.


I hate "back in my day" shit as much as the next guy, I really do. But students, you guys need to get your shit together, and you need to do it fast, before your pussy-ass generation sucks the intensity out of Hilton Magic for good.

I was at ISU from 2003-2007. We went to one NCAA tournament in that time period. We were ranked for 2 weeks out of my entire four years. Those of you who are juniors have only witnessed 3 losses in Hilton Coliseum. THREE. ISU has been ranked at some point in every season you've been here. ISU has been ranked most of this year. I look up at the ONE upper deck section you guys have and I see it mostly empty for every game this year besides Michigan, Iowa, and KU.

Now let me sidetrack quickly - you guys were fantastic for those 3 games. If you brought that energy/capacity, or just one of each, for every game, we wouldn't be having this little chat. But those are the deviations. BACK TO RANTING, BITCH.

In the years I was a member of the student section, it was the entire area behind both baskets on BOTH sides, making the student section 25% larger. Also, enrollment was in the neighborhood of 25,000 or approximately 20% smaller than it currently is. I'm not saying the student section was full for every game, because it wasn't, especially down the stretch of Morgan's last year. But it was full for most of the conference games, and for all non-conference games against someone with a pulse, and you would have NEVER seen it less than full for a ranked opponent, period. Keep in mind that this was a significantly smaller student body, and more seats to fill up. No matter how you slice it, the current student section isn't holding up it's end of the bargain in terms of attendance.

But why? That seems to be the Million Dollar Question over on CycloneFanatic, and the list of excuses propounded by students posting over there all add up to one thing: the current breed of students are, generally, a giant bunch of pussies. Bitchassedness.

The good news, students, is that you can choose to stop being complete little bitches any god damn of the week. This isn't terminal. It's about getting your priorities straight. It's about pulling your collective dicks out of your Superman underwear, slapping em down on the table, shouting "THIS IS MY TERRITORY" like a feral beast, and then urinating all over the opposition.

The first step, is to just cut the excuses. Over on CF, you see a myriad of excuses being levied. For one Saturday game (is there a better time for students?) where attendance was woeful, the initial blame was assigned to the Dance Marathon. Look, I know Dance Marathon is a for a great cause and all that, but with 33,000 students, you can't find 4,000 degenerates who would rather scream at representatives of other schools in barbaric fashion than go to a fucking dance marathon? Even worse, the new excuse for poor Saturday attendance "I'm too hungover". Bitchassedness. It is the ugly truth that modern American 18-21 year olds are pretty much complete pussies. They require entertainment to be instant and electronic. They've been sheltered to the point that they lack the fortitude to just suck up a nasty hangover by pounding a few more beers, and getting in the mood for the game.

You cut the excuses by refusing to be engage in bitchassedness. The first way to remedy that is by just becoming an awesome person. Instead of worrying about a test the next morning, you plan your schedule around the game, getting your requisite study time in well before tip off, allowing you time to tie on a solid buzz, and get your ass into Hilton to support the squad. If you want to participate in Dance Marathon? Great. Just do it before or after the game. They don't need you at that three hour interval.

Also, stop being such little dweebs. Put your damn phone down, drink some beers and socialize with others. Don't play video games all weekend; go out with your buddies, imbibe some substances, and fingerblast some strumpet in the shitbox. Then go scream at Marcus Smart about how his mother gives rimjobs to javelinas. You can't jack off to anime for the rest of your life. You aren't a child any more. You're in the beautiful stage of life where you can get away with being a complete drunken buffoon, if you aren't stupid enough to plaster it all over social media (which I know you're addicted to). In the timeless words of William Madison "YOU GOTTA CHERISH IT".

So there you have it. The recipe to success. You have one last chance to show this team the type of rowdy, wild-ass support it deserves. Remember the Michigan game? Remember the lusty "FUCK MCGARY" chants? I want that rage. I want the profanity. I want that god damned passion. You owe it to them. You owe it to yourselves.

No bitchassedness.