The Types of Tailgaters You'll See At Jack Trice

The Realllllly Drunk Girl

No age requirement here, it might be a young lady's first tailgate ever or the first time a new mom has drank since having her first child, but she'll be the one who has no idea what her tolerance is and wandering around asking everyone where the nonexistent lot Z4 is. There's zero chance she isn't passed out by kickoff, so there's a chance for you to score a super cheap ticket!

The Young Alum

This guy left college a few years ago with bright eyes and hopes for a quick start to his corporate career. He comes back to tailgate every Saturday and has the glossed over drunk look in his eyes by 7 AM. Some of it is because he didn't go to bed the night before, and some of it is because he drinks to forget what his drab and depressing cube walls look like.

The Freshman

Or should we say the "freshmen", because they always travel in packs. They haven't mastered the tailgating scene yet, are usually drinking Mountain Dews (or Mountain Brews if the fake ID worked this week), and are usually dressed in a Destination Iowa State shirt and what's that around your neck? Is that a fucking lanyard you got at orientation? What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Here's a Keystone. Beat it, kid.

The Wannabe SEC Bro

This fellow has been somehow influenced by the SEC fans you see on CBS every weekend. He can be seen rocking a seersucker, sport jacket, and khakis because he forgot he is at a tailgate in Ames, Iowa, which is very clearly north of the Mason-Dixon line. Might also walk into oncoming traffic while Tindering.

The Grumpy Old Man

There's an old adage to respect your elders, but it definitely doesn't go vice versa, and this guy is the living testament to that. This man has been a Cyclone fan since they played games on campus. Even Seneca Wallace is "new school" to him. You will most likely encounter him leering at children who have thrown a football too close to his truck.

The Iowa Fan

There's always one. Even if you're at an away game in Fort Worth. And he's always an asshole.

The Late Arriver

You've been tailgating for hours and everything is going great. As you're in the middle of grilling, the late arriver shows up 20 minutes before kickoff and wants you to move all your shit so he can get through. Because walking a little bit further is much more inconvenient than making everyone else move.

The Mom

Bedecked in a rhinestone studded school shirt and Capri pants, she has a table with an actual tablecloth on it (real or plastic) with color coordinated plates, napkins, cups and plastic silverware. She makes sure the snacks are homemade and kid-friendly (Puppy chow! Tortilla roll ups! Rice Krispie treats!) and has plenty of baby wipes, paper towels and hand sanitizer to clean up even the worst messes.

The cooler is full of Bud Light Limes, Straw-ber-ritas, and little bottles of water. The chairs all match and everything can be folded up and stored in the back of a Honda Odyssey minivan in a matter of minutes. She prefers you call it "bags" in front of the children instead of "cornhole". She may be a buzzkill, but damn does she makes a mean pan of scotcharoos.

The Puker

No fences are safe from The Puker. By some unexplained law of physics, a trash can is never anywhere near this person. Watch out for your shoes.

The MacGuyver

Remember that guy in school who could make a killer bong out of an apple and some tin foil swiped off a baked potato in the dining hall? Well he's back and finally putting that engineering degree to good use. You can identify this guy by the grill he has welded together by turning an empty keg on it's side and splitting it down the middle.. Or by his "totally road legal" tailgating vehicle with a 15'x20' party roof and 40 foot telescoping flag that doubles as a holder for "octopus", his 8-person 5-gallon communal beer bong.

Or designing a Jaegermeister ice luge in the shape of Jack Trice stadium with a path that recreates "the run." Sure, he's still working some kinks out of that whole "9mm bullets made of bacon" idea, but sleep comfortably knowing that he won't rest until the theoretical boundaries of high-velocity-meat delivery systems have been pushed to the breaking point.

The Lone DJ

This guy is almost always in the student lots. He doesn't go to the game, probably isn't wearing ISU gear, and always has the loudest sound system. He is usually observed in a solitary setting, behind some kind of equipment with trendy sunglasses, spiked hair, and a sullen expression on his face as he head bobs to show he's feeling the groove. Usually has some cronies that might hang on in hopes of reeling in some nice trim. Pros: Sometimes has hot chicks at his tailgate. Cons: Affinity for dubstep; drowns out all conversation in 100 foot radius.

The Opposing Fans (Type 1)

These guys rolled in quietly, set up their tailgate, and are largely either minding their own business or calmly chatting up their neighbors, fully aware they are in enemy territory. This group usually has good knowledge about their team and may know a little about yours, but is eager to learn more. Offer some beers to this group and you've made some new friends.

The Opposing Fans (Type 2)

These guys are here for one reason: To prove their school is superior to yours. Over the course of the day, they'll try to demonstrate how people from their school can drink harder than people from your school while informing everybody within earshot how much your school sucks. Typically the combination of the two lead to fights, property damage, and a trip over to Nevada for the day. On the occasion that these fans make it through the game you can find them either celebrating their win by talking more trash (scoreboard!), throwing beers at you, and keying your car. If they lose they'll be mourning their loss by talking more trash (the scoreboard doesn't prove anything!), throwing beers at you, and keying your car. Avoid these assholes at all cost.

THIS GUY

If you see him, get his autograph, and give him a beer.  He likes beer.