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The Applebee's CYdlines Coaches Show Transcript

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David Purdy

Every week, unintentional hilarity ensues in the form of the Appleebee's CYdlines Coaches Show. Real callers dial up the show and ask John Walters and Paul Rhoads questions and as you can imagine, it makes for some fantastic radio. The following may or may not be a real, actual transcript from Monday, September 22nd's Applebee's CYdlines Coaches Show.

John Walters: Good evening. We want to welcome you to the Applebee's CYdlines Coaches Show. As always, I'm joined by Iowa State head football coach, Paul Rhoads. We'll welcome in callers in a moment and the number to call is 1-800-ASK-PAUL. For those of you not named Cyclone Jerry, who undoubtedly has no idea what Twitter is, you can also send us a tweet to @cydlinesshow. Also, don't forget to check out our Facebook page and while we're on that note, no Diamond Dave, we do not want to accept your friend request.

Before we regrettably open this up to all you callers out there, let's bring in Coach Rhoads. Paul, there's an enormous game coming up with Baylor on Saturday, but take us back to Iowa City and talk a little about the post-game atmosphere in the locker room.

Paul Rhoads: As always, it's good to...uhh...be here tonight, John, and while this place still hasn't named...uhh...a burger after me, I always enjoy my Monday nights at Applebee's where it's eatin' good in the neighborhood.

But to your...uhh...question (tears up), I couldn't have been more PROUD of this football team to respond to that first half adversity like they did. When you go on the...uhh...road to a place like that and walk out with a win, it just makes it all worth it. These young men...uhh...fought and competed and executed. They left it all out on the field and I know that was the case because half the team puked in the locker room after the game. It got pretty disgusting in there so we just got on the bus and got out of there. Didn't even bother to clean it up. Kirk, if you're...uhh...listening, I genuinely apologize for that.

JW: On that note, let's take it to the phones. (Takes deep breath) Welcome to the show, caller. What's your name and what's your question for Coach Rhoads:

Caller: Hey John. Hey Coach. This is Denny in Ruthven.

PR: G'evening Denny!

Denny: Well Coach, I guess I just have to say, great job beating the Hawks. I have to admit, at half time, I took a bottle of Black Velvet out to the garage, shut the door and sat in my car and stared at the ignition for about an hour, but to my credit, I never actually put the keys in the ignition. I did finish the Black Velvet though and ended up pissing my front seat, but that's beside the point. Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when my wife woke me up later that evening and told me Iowa State had won. At first I thought she was kidding, but she's as honest as the day is long so I had to believe her. I don't really know where I'm going with this but I guess I just wanted to say congratulations on the victory and good luck against Baylor.

JW: (sarcastically) Well, I guess I never pegged you for a quitter, Denny.

PR: Denny, it's...uh...fans like you that keep me coming to work every day. I have a mission to keep this fan base alive and healthy and don't think for one minute that's...uhh...lost on me.

JW: As always, we're off to a great start. Who do we have next? Caller, you're on the air with Coach Rhoads:

Caller: Well hey fellas! This is Shirley from Huxley.

JW and PR in unison: Hi Shirley.

Shirley: My question this week is more of a relationship question. This last week, my husband started to make some sexual advances toward me, but I had to shut him down because my monthly visitor was in town if you catch my drift. Except, I didn't say that. I told him to keep his hands to himself unless he wanted to enter the "Case IH Red Zone". He was appalled and ended up sleeping on the couch. He said he's never going to be able to not think about that now at home games.

JW: Well, I think we'll move right along here. As always, never a dull moment on the show.

PR: Yeah, probably best to...uhh...move on there, John. Frankly, I think Shirley may have just permanently scarred me. We talk about the Red Zone a lot in our coaches meetings.

JW: This seems like as good of time as any to remind you that you can join Coach Rhoads in person every Monday at the Applebee's in Ames. All appetizers are half off during the show and domestic beers are only $2.00. I think I'll have one of those beers right now. But I see we have another caller on the line. Welcome to the show.

Caller: Hey guys.

JW: Oh no...

PR: Is that...

Caller: Yeah, it's me, Cyclone Jerry.

JW: Jerry, we disconnected your phone line. How are you calling us?

Cyclone Jerry: I'm using the pay phone outside. You didn't think I'd miss a show, did you? I had to pick up cans all week, but I have $74 in quarters and I plan on feeding all of 'em into this thing.

PR: I wasn't aware that pay phones still existed.

Cyclone Jerry: You'd be surprised at the things that still exist. Take me for example. I'm 97 years old and this body has seen just about every illness and injury known to man. Whether it be mumps, measles, malaria, The Clap, amputation, fever, famine, Mad Cow, pneumonia, whooping cough, Bubonic Plague, demonic possession, Jungle Fever, polio or mud butt, I've seen and had it all. But anyway, that was the 50s and that was the type of life we lived in those days. It makes you appreciate the good days like last Saturday in Iowa City. Now, I wasn't there because I haven't been allowed to step foot in Johnson County ever since I tried to poison the water treatment plant back in the late 70s, but the scene looked beautiful on the TV at the Tip Top. Speaking of the Tip Top, can you call Shirley back and ask if that was her that spilled her Bloody Mary on my velcros. Well, I hope it was a Bloody Mary at least. But back to what we were talking about...Jim Criner still owes me $12 and I haven't forgotten about it. Not only have I not forgotten about it, but with inflation and interest, it's probably closer to $13.07 in this day and age. You can always tell the measure of man by how he faces adversity and that's why I always respected Pat Sajak. Always cool and calm under pressure and how he keeps it in his pants working around Vanna White is beyond me. Anyway, did ya hear the one about the giraffe, the mouse and Kirk Ferentz? I don't remember the punch line but if I ever see Tommy in Des Moines I'm gonna kick his old, senile ass, but we'll just keep that between us friends. I guess the real question I have tonight is whether or not Sam Richardson is going to go to the single-barred face mask? Every time he drops back, I sometimes forget where I am and have to remind myself that I'm not watching Y.A. Tittle. Speaking of Y.A. Tittle, I once crossed paths with him...

JW: Well Jerry, I'm going to cut you off. We're going to go ahead and cut tonight's show short, but we'll read a Tweet before we go. Paul, why don't you do the honors.

PR: Alright John. I have to...uhh...admit, I am a little curious about where Jerry was going with that Y.A. Tittle story, but I'm sure he's still outside talking, so I'll catch him after the show. Anyway, tonight's tweet...uhh...comes from someone with the handle @cj1917 and it reads, "LOL, This is Jerry and Tweeting this from new iPhone 6. #CrinerIsAWelcher".

JW: (deep sigh) And that's all for tonight from the Applebee's CYdlines Coaches Show. Only 9 more games, right Paul? I can make it through 9 more games.

PR: Yeah, but don't forget about basketball season after that.

JW: Good night everyone.

And by "may or may not be real" we mean "this is absolutely, 100% not real".