Earlier this week the Iowa Hawkeyes lost to the 6th ranked Wisconsin Badgers in embarrassing fashion, but somehow the 30 point spread was not the talking point afterwards. Instead a series of comments by ESPN's Dan Dakich about Hawkeye center Adam Woodbury has ignited a flurry of controversy after he called out the 7 footer for suspiciously frequent eye pokes & elbows to the head of opponents.
In the video below you can see Woodbury go for two eye gouges. The first channeled Jon "Bones" Jones and gave an "Oops, sorry I got ya, bro" impression, and the second against Frank Kaminsky started as the innocent playground tactic of trying to hold Kaminsky back by his head, and ended with another finger to the eye.
At WRNL we appreciate Woodbury's moxie. Other than his size, it's the only thing going for him. But take it from us Adam, you can be more subtle in your devious ways. Here's how:
What Dustin Hogue displays here is a classic ninja kick rebound. By disguising himself momentarily as a member of the ancient secretive warrior group the referees and analysts were left to pick up the pieces and wonder what and who just happened to them. Please be sneakier Adam.
While its obviously going to get him kicked out, DeAndre Kane goes for the complete eyeball removal. Note how DeAndre never touches the eyeball directly, but instead cradles the neck and tries to pop the orbs out cleanly from underneath - ensuring they'll be kept in good condition for reinstallation later. Please show some compassion Adam.
Break Inanimate Stuff
Maniacal Bill Self slowly crushes the life out of this innocent bystander of an LCD board. Did the board do anything wrong? No. But no one cares, because it's not ALIVE Adam. Please break things that are not alive Adam.
Throw a Chair
Note how Fran, in classic Bob Knight fashion, shifts the blame from his own failings to the chair. As the chair crashes to the ground all you're thinking is, "Wow! Look at that, that chair really slammed to the ground - why is that chair doing that? Stupid chair." Please deflect blame Adam.
Look, Don't Touch
See how Fran is not actually hurting Marble in this image, but instead he crushes his soul with his mind? Does he want to elbow Marble in the face, probably, but he holds back. Please intimidate, not decapitate, Adam.
Notice how Fran ensures that no one can take any notes anymore? You want to write something? Not anymore shithead - it's over. Did it ever occur to you to take Dakich's mic away? Maybe punt it into the stands? Please think about it Adam.
Adam, we know you have a lot on your mind right now, but employing a few of these tricks will really help you reach the next level in college basketball. If you want more advice you know where to find us.