With shots fired and the gauntlet laid down verbally yesterday, it was only a matter of time before Iowa State AD Jamie "The Penny Pincher" Pollard and reporter "Macho Man" Trav-Hines-ey Savage took to the ring to settle the "Nickle and Dime" dispute once and for all. Of course, for this once in a lifetime throwdown, WRNL has your exclusive coverage.
The night starts as two seemingly cordial allies saunter into the ring, devoid of any contents except a lone microphone placed dead center. Just as innocuously as the pair entered, Hinesy Savage seizes the mic and turns to the crowd.
However, the tirade unleashed from Hines' mouth next was an utter surprise to The Penny Pincher.
"I speak for the people! Most importantly, I speak for the unspoken for! I speak for those who hide in fear," Macho Hines screeches, the crowd devouring every word. "I speak for the anonymous, untraceable sources! And the man standing before you is a fraud, a cheat, a liar, and most importantly....cheeeeap."
With his final words, Hines drops the mic under a wave of boos directed at the now universally-hated Pollard. Every boo and hiss stung The Pincher, but not as much as the flurry of surprise strikes Macho Trav-y Savage unleashed onto his face, knocking him flat.
Now straddled and pinned by Hines, Pollard struggles to free himself from a barrage of fists reminiscent of The Christmas Story fight scene.
One. Two. Three. Four. The blows keep landing as the crowd sways wildly in Hines' favor, egging on every shot.
Five. Six. Seven. Eight. For Pollard, the lights are fading fast. It looks like all hope is lost for The Penny Pincher, but through the haze of an arena of fans who now hated his very existence, he spotted his only hope.
The microphone. Hines had tossed it aside before, and it was now in the hands of a new owner. The ringside announcer.
The King himself: Keith Murphy.
With one last surge of strength, Pollard dislodges himself from beneath Macho Hines and makes a run out of the ring and towards the KXNO host. Grabbing the microphone, Pollard turns back towards his abuser with a newfound poise.
"Listen people, I am not the bad guy here, it's all lies!" Pollard announces, startling the crowd. "Not a single piece of it is true!"
By now, the confused crowd begins turning on their hero of moments prior. It takes no time at all before $13 beers are raining down upon the ring towards Hines.
"No, stop! He's not the bad guy either," pleads Pollard, the entire coliseum now in complete disbelief, as a shadowed figure creeps down the ramp, out of sight from Hines. "Look, Travis, I like you, I do. But you've been mislead. Deceived. Duped. Bamboozled."
Meanwhile, the shadowy figure draws ever closer to ringside, still hidden from Macho Hines.
"If there's anyone we should pity here, it's you. You tried to tell what you believed to be the truth, and unfortunately for you, it wasn't," Pollard continues. But at this point, everyone's eyes are no longer aimed on the man with the microphone. Instead, they're trained on the figure coming into focus, now b-boy dancing directly behind the unaware Hines.
The crowd grows quiet. It couldn't be, could it?
The valuer sweat suit is all too familiar. They can't be mistaken.
Its-- But how?
FREEEED HOIBEEEEEERG WITH THE R.K.O. OUTTA NOWHERE.
The crowd comes absolutely unhinged as the loud speakers begin blasting Jock Jams and confetti cannons rigged to the ceiling commence, ejecting Clone Cones down upon the waiting public.
"And unfortunately for you, you have to pay for it," Pollard says over the PA before tossing the mic back to Keith Murphy and beginning to walk away, as Fred Hoiberg-emblazoned dollar bills rain down from the rafters. Grabbing the microphone back from Murphy, Pollard takes one last look at the lifeless body of Macho Man Trav-Hinesy Savage laying at center ring.
"Oh, and Travis? Nickel and dime that, bitch."