clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Trading Places: Meet Your New ISU Football Coach

We aren't the only school out there who's unhappy with their head coach...

USA Today Sports

Does anyone remember the shows Trading Spouses or Wife Swap? If not, let me give you a little background information. These shows were built around the premise of taking wives from two very different families, and having them swap families for a week or two. Hilarity or chaos usually ensued, as many of these situations unfolded: messy wife moves into neat-freak family, super religious mother moves in with an atheist family, etc were some of the many used to pull viewers into their world of reality TV stupidity.

Now, these shows obviously didn't last long very long (shocking, I know). In fact, I'm sure a television show consisting of Chris Collinsworth commentating NFL mini camps would be more entertaining. I sure do love me some Collinsworth. He's got some fantastic quotes, like: "How much has spending most of the off-season in prison affected Jamal Lewis' start?", or "Being a head coach really has Mike Tice out of position", and finally "I wouldn't want to have a beer in a hot tub with that guy!".

Anyways, back to Cyclone football. With the meat of the season now upon us, (literally, our next two opponents are going to give us their meat), I have come to the realization that Iowa State must do something about its head coaching position. Paul Rhoads obviously can't cut the mustard (cheese, paper with scissors, anything here will work really), but is dumping him mid season going to accomplish anything? I'm not a fan of turning over the reins to an assistant, even one with head coaching experience like Mark Mangino. So, what's a bottom feeding Big 12 football team to do?

The answer is simple: Swap coaches!

That's right. Just like in the TV shows, except the families now consist of 60+ college age males who play one of the most violent sports on the planet. Do you see where I'm going with this? Instead of canning CPR, we swap him out for the rest of eternity his contract the season. And fortunately for the Cyclones, there happens to be a team not too far away from Ames who wouldn't mind doing the same.

I'm looking at you, Nebraska!

I propose that Iowa State swap out Paul Rhoads for the Husker's Mike Riley for the remainder of the season.

Paul Rhoads is perfect for Nebraska

After a disastrous 2-4 start to the season, Husker fans have started to come to terms with the idea that maybe 9-3 wasn't so bad after all. Not only are the Huckers losing games on the last possession, in spectacular fashion mind you, but they are virtually out of contention for the prestigious, hard-nosed, powerhouse-filled Big 10 West title, and may be on track to lose seven games for the first time since 1957. Here's why Paul Rhoads can help salvage the Huskers' season:

  • Nebraska's secondary has been awful all year long (I'm looking at you, Daniel Davie). Since Rhoads is a defensive guy, he should be able to help this hurting unit.
  • If not, then the Huskers will be spared the heartbreak of losing on last second drives, and will give up 500 passing yards a game instead!
  • Since it seems like Nebraska wants to lose only by last second heartbreak, Rhoads can bring some variety to a fan base striving for change. With Rhoads, you can lose close games (see four different games from last season), get absolutely obliterated (any time we play Baylor or Oklahoma, and that one time we played Utah), or lose spectacularly (which we once did to Nebraska on a fake extra point).
  • The Huskers left the Big 12 because they couldn't beat Texas. Well, Paul Rhoads can't either, so the two should get along just fine.
  • CPR grows an off-season beard and drives a Harley, both of which are practically required to be a Husker fan. I wonder if he shops at Walmart...
  • Paul Rhoads gives Nebraska the ability to still beat Iowa, if nothing else. With only one rivalry game in the Big 10, the Huskers can't afford to let that trophy stay in Iowa City.

Lastly, as I mentioned before, it seems that many Husker fans now realize it may have been a mistake to run Bo Pelini out of town. While fans enjoyed getting nine wins every year, they seemed to hate almost everything about the man: his temper, his brother Carl, his sideline antics, etc. In fact, about the only thing Husker fans enjoyed about Pelini was this:

But, since fans are so desperate for wins that they wouldn't mind someone who goes a little nuts on the sideline, Paul Rhoads makes the ultimate replacement: Bo 2.0.

Bo Pelini

Mike Riley is perfect for Iowa State

Coach Riley is like that sweet old grandpa you enjoy watching football with on Saturdays, even though he has absolutely no clue whats going on. He was has been an incredibly average coach throughout his career, which is exactly what our football program strives for. Instead of wishing Iowa State had a seasoned, tough, Taco Bell-loving coach like Bill Snyder, we can lock up one whose best collegiate season resulted in going to the Sun Bowl! Here's why Mike Riley would be a perfect match for the Cyclones:
  • Iowa State fans are used to losing football games.
  • Iowa State fans are not only used to losing football games, but to losing them in typical Iowa State fashion: A swift kick to the nuts. This in fact, for some, is preferable to a blowout loss. Have we had enough of both types of losses that they have started to feel the same? Sigh.
  • If you disregard the last possession of all four of Nebraska's losses this year, the Huskers have not only been in their games, but led for a good portion of them. Could you imagine Iowa State having a lead for 3+ quarters of a football game?
  • Mike Riley is all about playing football "the right way", which is something our athletic department has frequently been accused of not doing. Hopefully he stays away from all those thug transfers...
  • Coach Riley's late game play calling and clock management skills have been called into question after losses to Illinois and Wisconsin. Since Ames is a short drive from Iowa City, he'll now be able to seek advice from one of the best late-game managers in the business: Kirk Ferentz.
  • When the game was on the line against Wisconsin, Riley refused to throw the ball, and ran it 3 plays in a row. So now instead of going away from running and calling 6 straight drop-back passes, maybe we'll get 6 strait Mike Warren runs?

In anticipation of this impending move, WRNL reached out to a few current and former players from both teams. Here's what they had to say:

Levi Peters: Unfortunately, before we could speak with Levi, he hopped on his motorcycle, swearing, and tore out of the parking lot.

Tommy Armstrong Jr: "Wait, who are our coaches again? I'm not really sure it matters anyways. Should I pass it here or run the ball?"

Kennard Banks: "The Huskers? I can't think about them without remembering that 2009 game in Lincoln. 8 turnovers?? Man, that was awesome. Or was it 8 personal fouls called on me...

Niles Paul: Niles would not comment on the coaching swap, as he was holding his emotions tight. Unfortunately, he later inexplicably dropped them while walking in to the grocery store.

In this day and age of firing coaches a week before the season, after four games, or having a coach retire during a game week (on a Tuesday), it seems there is no easy way to deal with letting your coach know that his time has come and gone. So, instead of letting a your dead-man-walking coach finish out the rest of the season, or turning over the reigns to an assistant who likely won't be there next season, find another football program drowning in their own mediocrity, and swap coaches.