Keep An Eye On: Anything But The Defense

If you're planning on watching this Saturday's matchup with TCU in the friendly confines of your own living room or Jack Trice Stadium, and you're in need of any informative viewer's guide, here it is:

For those of you at the stadium, the moment Iowa State punts it away to the Horned Frogs, you are hereby granted a release from your seating arrangement. Go grab some popcorn, maybe head to the bathroom if you need to. Hell, head to the bathroom regardless, there's nothing wrong with a precautionary re-wipe.

And for those who will choose to stay in the comfort of your own home, go ahead and kick that recliner back. Pick something to start compulsively counting. It doesn't matter if it's how many different ways you can vaguely make out the word 'guacamole' spelled out in the bumps of your popcorn ceiling, or how many times your ceiling fan rotates before you hear another 'Touchdown TCU' emit from your speakers.

Regardless of how you do it, treat the Cyclones' defensive possessions like a solar eclipse. If you really need to watch it, poke a hole in a cardboard box and don't look directly at the field.

Now that doesn't mean that Demond Tucker and Dale Pierson still can't make some plays. But unfortunately, the chances of TCU pandering to the strengths of the two defensive players capable of playing at an All-Big 12 level are about the same as me, BJSwanny, trotting out to start at quarterback. And Swanny Football just got eliminated from the ISU intramural D-league playoffs on a 60-6 score. Simply, it ain't happening.

So should you give up now? No, not necessarily, miracles can happen... But that doesn't mean they will. This is just a friendly reminder, you don't have to turn the TV off all the way. Maybe just mute it for a while.