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The Weekly Troll: TCU Annual Review

Now that most of us have had at least a week to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it's time to NOT do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fanbase, are far better than those mouth-breathers. Let's have a look back at all the terrible things they've done in the past year.


Do you see that little description directly above here? You know, the one I use every on every article to set up the rest of the piece and get the reader in the right mindset?

Forget everything about it.

I've been writing these pieces for the past years and just look at the ju-ju it has brought to our football team. BLAME ME. Coach Rhoads clearly is reading these pieces and getting a false sense of superiority. Hell, the entire team is probably reading these things with the obvious popularity of the Troll, and it's obviously the cause of bad results on the field.

So for this week's edition we're going to do things a bit differently. Instead of looking in the past and finding all the horrible things our opponent has done, let's look into the future. And oh boy is the future just as horrible as the past. I have developed my skills to the point that I have gained the ability to see highlights from the future, and I have also found a way to take my future thoughts and turn them into a digital format for my readers to see and hear. I am a deity.

But I do need y'all to be in the correct mindset to be able to receive my visions from the future. I need you to believe in these visions. Only true believers will be able to witness my miracles. So please, embrace the suck.

This was TCU being nice last year. As you can see, there is not blood in this video. But The future is not going to be as nice. I see SO MUCH BLOOD. Lay witness to the awful things that I have the burden of knowing:

Here you see Trevone Boykin about to get sacked by not one, not two, but three Iowa State defenders. Things don't look good for the Heisman candidate. But Boykin quickly and masterfully assesses the situation, slashes away, and is free to make a play. Since that was obviously the only three defenders rushing the quarterback, Mr. Boykin had all damn day to stand and wait until one of his receivers eventually became wide open. Touchdown Blood Frogs.

Here you see TCU running a perfectly executed middle screen play. A few lineman cut their man right off the snap, eliminating some of the big guys right off the bat. But that's when you see Josh Doctson has a lot of room to run and this is gonna be home run play for TCU.

It is. Touchdown Demon Toads.

The next couple of lowlights are clearly of Paul Rhoads trying to be creative and run some fake plays. However, at this point the game was well in hand, and we've already punted on 4th and 1 three times, and attempted two field goals while down by more than three possessions. So these fakes were pretty obvious for a desperate team and desperate coach.  he Horror Hoppers sniffed these out with ease.

Here is Iowa State blindly swinging on a fake field goal on 4th and 8 from TCU's 43.

Here is Iowa State pulling out a very special play that they have been working on since training camp. The thing is that after a timeout, they let the play clock run out and then obviously punted. It was housed. Touchdown Asshole Amphibians.

Unfortunately for Iowa State, the bloodbath wasn't over yet. Boykin used his blazing speed to completely bewilder and overwhelm two more Cyclone defenders on his way to another rushing touchdown (MERCY HIGHLIGHT). His speed is really impressive.

And then it was over. I can't quite foresee the final score, but I know it's a lot to not even close to that many. Gary Patterson usually is a stand up coach and I usually really like the guy, but after this win he proceeded to instruct his players to go DANCE ON THE FIELD LIKE A BUNCH OF GLORYBOY SHOWBOATERS.

This will be great motivation for next year's team to go out there and give 'em hell!

Stay tuned next week when I basically run the same article for Baylor.

If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why these visions might not be true, don't hesitate to share in the comments.