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Tailgate Preview: ISU vs. TCU - The Slaughterhouse

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Ah, the tailgate — a preparation of the mind, body and soul for receiving the gift of football. Prior to every game this fall, WRNL will bring you a "Tailgate Preview." We promise to focus very little on the opponent or football in general and instead turn our efforts to how to get the most out of your tailgating experience. After all, it's common knowledge that Iowa State is more known for tailgating as opposed to its football prowess.

Any Cyclone fan worth their well-worn Seneca Wallace jersey knows that game day is incomplete without the feasting, drinking and camaraderie of the tailgate event. In this recurring article we'll highlight the weather, a drink, a dish and something to keep you busy between sips. So sit back, pop a top or crack a bottle, and let your preparations for the weekend's tailgate begin.

Weather: Cool and Sunny

If there are any positives to be found in this weekend's game (aside from Mike Warren running for another 300 yards), the weather is one of the few. It should once again be a perfect day for football. The game time temperature should be around 52 degrees, and the sun will be shining for the remaining time it's up. So, if nothing else, come for the weather, and stay for the....

Drink: Coke*

With prospects looking grim for this weekend's game, I decided to once again bring in Ted Flint (@TedFlintKansas), since his expertise in the area of heavily drinking to get through Cyclone football games is second to none.

Ted

I have been tasked with choosing something to help you enjoy your afternoon leading up a game that is sure to be an absolute slobber-knocking. And since booze is a depressant, I thought I would take you in another direction.

Coke.

Now, people might say Coke is a bad thing. They might be right, but I can't think of anything else that makes watching the team you love get beat by 63 points enjoyable. Once you do Coke, you will never go back to Red Bull. You will be able to play beer pong, flip cup and bags all at the same time!!!

Remember all those cool scenes from the last X-Men and Avengers movies? That can be you!! It'll will be like seeing everything in a slow motion replay, all the time. Except this way you can change the outcome of your visions!! You will be the hero of the tailgate when you catch the bottle of Jim Beam someone threw before it hits the concrete and shatters into a million pieces. God bless you, Coke.

When Trevone Boykin scores seven touchdowns, you won't care because your friend Coke won't allow you to be sad! You will be smiling like that dude who inhaled too much of the Joker's laughing gas... I can only imagine that watching the TCU game on Coke would be like how it would feel if the Cubs win the World Series.

That being said, I've included a nice photo to help you decide if you'd rather watch the TCU game on Coke,  or watch it sober...

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That is all for now, and remember: Uncle Ted has never led you astray before. Cheers!

*Coke may or may not mean the popular soft drink produced by The Coca-Cola Company. WRNL reached out to Ted for verification, but he's already drank himself into a coma ahead of the game.

Food: Shameful Drunk Food

For a game with prospects as bleak as this one, I'm not really sure it matters what you make. Since sitting through Saturday's game will most likely unbearable without consuming vast quantities of alcohol, chances are you'll be too drunk/miserable (both, probably) to really care what you've eaten. Now, there's something about college, or a tailgate, that brings out one's ability to eat any combination of random food and think it's the most delicious meal on earth (ex- Super Dog). So, here's a few drunk food combinations for you to shame-eat right up until game time:

  • Chocolate-chip cookies and nacho cheese
  • Licorice and mild salsa
  • Miniature dill pickles dipped in either of the two above
  • Goldfish with rum and Coca-Cola, cereal style. (Sober up and get drunk simultaneously!)
  • The reverse burger: two burger patties with a bun in the middle.
  • A burger patty between two pieces of cold pizza
The best part about his type of food is that you can create whatever you want! Just keep this in mind after you make a nice pre game snack: if you'd still eat it sober, it probably needs more shame.

Activity: Anything to take your mind off football

After getting stuck trying to find a drinking game that would allow the players to drink enough to get through Saturday evening (and maybe next weekend's game too), I asked the rest of the staff for suggestions. Here are a few activities you could take part in leading up to game time:

  • Play "hide and go to sleep"
  • Pass out in random places, like the middle of the street, or in that ditch over by the Alumni Center
  • Find a TV and watch someone else play entertaining football
  • GraphikdeCYner: "Napping"
  • CanAzn: "Eat enough hot dogs to go into a food coma"
  • GraphikdeCYner: "Also this"
  • ClonesJer: "Hard drugs"
  • KFitzy87: "Count the blades of grass in your front yard"

To recap, we obviously aren't fans of Cyclone football for a winning tradition. The reason we all make the trek to Ames season after season is for the friends, family and fun that comes with football each fall. The best way to celebrate this gathering is to tailgate. Let the party begin!

PSA: WRNL has a tailgate in lot G7, and you're welcome to stop by! We'll have a breathalyzer, plenty of booze and of course your favorite writers from this fine website!