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Paul Rhoads Faux Presser: Post-TCU

Iowa State head coach Paul Rhoads discussed TCU, Baylor, a QB controversy and Lamar Odom in a totally real press conference that 100% seriously, definitely, actually happened.

Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

Iowa State football coach Paul Rhoads met with the media early this morning to discuss his thoughts on last weekend's embarrassing great effort that fell short against the Horned Frogs from TCU. He also gave his thoughts on upcoming opponent Baylor.

On TCU...

"Yeah, they're pretty good. But we're better."

"All week in practice I told these men to dominate the first quarter, and then coast the rest of the way. We executed our game plan just fine, we just weren't able to pull out a victory."

"Keep in mind though, if this were just a one quarter game, we're talking an extension right now. In fact, Jamie and I plan on opening up discussion at the next conference meeting to make games just one 15 minute quarter instead of four. It would limit injuries and I would have so much more time to ride my Harley on Saturdays."

On The Successful Fake Punt...

"I was wanting to punt and I'm still furious we threw that ball. We could've easily backed up the #2 team in the nation inside their own 5 yard line and made them take four, maybe even five plays to score a touchdown."

"Instead, we fake it and we score a few plays later... Not even giving our defense a chance to let TCU march the ball 90 yards downfield."

On Gary Patterson...

"Many people discuss how humble he is, but I haven't seen that. During our post-game handshake, he whispered in my ear 'told you, bitch,' and then gave me a nut tap."

"While I have every right to report him to the Big 12, it makes me giggle, so I'm going to let it slide. But he still annoys me."

On The Halftime Interview...

"There was a lot of confusion walking into the locker room when I told reporters that we just had to make some adjustments and we'd be fine, so I understand why some of you are upset that we didn't score a single point in the second half and our defense fell flat."

"It was all just a big misunderstanding. When I said 'adjustments,' I was talking clothing, not game strategy. Around the second quarter, Mike Warren's shoulder pad was digging into him. Jordan Harris' girdle was loose and sliding around. I just wanted them to be able to adjust their clothing so they could be more comfortable when we went back out there to close out the loss."

On A QB Controversy...

"I don't think there's a QB controversy. I'm happy with Sam and I love to prepare our young backup quarterbacks for life after college. You know what they're going to be doing after they're done playing football here? Sitting at a desk in a cubicle. We can't legally bring a cubicle onto the sideline, but having them sit on the bench is pretty close to sitting in an office chair. They don't realize it now, but they'll come back and thank me in about five years."

"Our real problem on offense is Allen Lazard. When we throw to him, I don't care if it's overthrown, thrown short, thrown to him when he's wide open, or if he's in quadruple coverage... He has to catch everything or else our offense sucks even more."

"There were a few passes that weren't great and might not have even been intended for him, but still, he needs to step it up and catch those balls. That's why he's here. That's always been our expectation for him. He did his job once with Lanning and a couple times with Richardson, but really, the coaches are expecting him to make at least 20, if not 30 catches a game."

"I talked with him after the game and told him to at least give our quarterbacks a chance. If he doesn't haul in every pass within 20 yards of him next week, he'll be clipboarding with Lanning for the rest of the season."

On Baylor...

"We're fu**ed. I'm just glad it's at their stadium so I don't have to hear the boos."

On Lamar Odom...

"To be honest I was shocked. How do you go to the Love Ranch and only spend $75,000?"

"I've only been there twice and and am considered a Platinum Member. Last May, we took Wally and I'm pretty sure he took the same enhancements as Odom and he seemed just fine. However, it was a little weird when we returned to camp in August that he was still um...physically showing the effects of the pills even though it was only supposed to last four hours."

"Fortunately, watching game film of last year's defense seemed to fix that problem."