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Dear Iowa: America Doesn't Care What You Think

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See those people over there, waving, trying really hard to get your attention? Those are Iowa fans, desperate for you to show them some sugar.

Jonathan Ferrey/Getty Images

Dear Iowa Football Coaches, Players, and Fans:

We know your Hawkeyes are undefeated, but no one actually cares they're undefeated.

It's nothing personal, you just think everyone is out to get you. You may write or say some things, about how good your team is and how they are going to be divisional champions. We get it. They are probably going to win the B1G West.

Having said that, most of your fan base is participating in an echo chamber right now. You see Jon Miller write on Hawkeye Nation (which is about as deep a research dive as many of you will take) that Iowa's schedule up to this point has been tougher than some other teams in the top 25. You see Black Heart Gold Pants mention the fact that Iowa is one of two teams that have beaten two ranked teams on the road. You see fellow Hawk fans following along, believing that they have something real special brewing in Iowa City.

Well, they do. But it isn't their football team.

**RELATED: Iowa Introduces 'America Needs Another Lawyer' Program**

Look, we get that Iowa beat Wisconsin and Northwestern on the road. Real amazing, considering both teams dropped out of the rankings after losing to the Hawkeyes. We get that the Hawks are the "1" in Pittsburgh's loss column and you're bragging about that. However, a closer look shows that Iowa is the only team the Panthers have played this season that actually has a winning record.

But let's take a look at some of the other teams Iowa has beaten, along with the five remaining teams on the schedule.

  • Iowa fans, did you know you beat Illinois State? A Missouri Valley Conference team that is ranked #3 in the nation? I'm sure you did. But if you wipe away that smudge on your computer, it says FCS, not FBS.
  • Iowa fans, did you know you beat Iowa State? Consistently one of the worst Big 12 teams? Of ISU's five losses this year, their game against Iowa was the second closest, and was even tied at one point in the 4th quarter.
  • Iowa fans, did you know you beat North Texas? An 0-7 team that lost 66-7 to FCS Portland State AT HOME? Meanwhile, you only beat the Mean Green 62-16 IN KINNICK STADIUM.

You see, many of you Hawkeye fans blame the scheduling computers for your easy schedule, but the three games above are games that you control.

And perhaps the greatest fact is that, whenever rival Iowa State does happen to pull off a victory, as sure as the sun will be up tomorrow, Hawk fans will be crying to take Iowa State off their schedule, as it "only hurts Iowa's postseason chances."

But this isn't about Iowa State. This is about your beloved Hawkeyes. So let's look at their schedule going forward...

  • Iowa fans, did you know that Maryland has already fired their coach this season? Their only wins so far are against powerhouses Richmond and South Florida.
  • Iowa fans, did you know that Indiana, like Maryland, has yet to win a Big 10 game this season? They even lost to Rutgers. FUCKING RUTGERS!
  • Iowa fans, did you know that Minnesota beat Colorado State, Kent State and Ohio by an average of four points? They couldn't even score a single point against Northwestern, a team you beat 40-10.
  • Iowa fans, did you know that Purdue has not won a game against an FBS opponent this season? And come on... It's Purdue football.
  • Iowa fans, did you know that Nebraska, at 3-5, is currently having their worst season since 2007? The last season of the Bill Callahan era?
Cupcakes

The rest of your schedule contains five football teams that have a combined 2-15 record in the Big 10 right now. Let that sink in for a moment.

"But the computers made the schedule, not us!" You'll scream.

If the CFB Playoff teams were picked by computers, would you be supportive of the system should Iowa lose to Ohio State in the B1G Championship and miss the playoffs? Or would you argue that, with your 12-1 record in the "best" conference in football, you deserve a shot against the Ohio States, the Baylors, and the Alabamas of the world?

I speak for America when I say, Iowa, take your ball and go home. Or, at least sack up and admit you've played nobody (and WILL play nobody for the rest of the regular season).

What I'm trying to tell you, Iowa, is to take the Memphis, Houston, Toledo, and Temple route to the season. Be happy you're undefeated. That's pretty neat. But lay low, because once you face a team with a pulse, well, it's not going to be pretty.

And when you see this article pop up on your Facebook and Twitter feeds, you know what you're going to do? You're going to say "ISU sucks, they have no room to talk." Well, you're right. ISU does suck.

But we're not speaking on behalf of Iowa State. We're speaking on behalf of COLLEGE FOOTBALL AMERICA.

USA. Love it or leave it, Hawkeyes.