clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

The Weekly Troll: Texas Annual Review

New, 82 comments

Now that most of us have had at least a week to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it's time to not do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fan base, are far better than those mouth-breathers. Let's have a look back at all the terrible things they've done in the past year.

That's not how you spell Texas.
That's not how you spell Texas.

If you have been keeping up with this weekly post (obvz), you might have noticed the last couple were a little different. I didn't bother making fun of the other team since those games was already decided by the universe.

But since Texas has been playing somewhere on the spectrum between Draft Kings Commercials and good, I'm actually allowing myself to hope again. It's a weird feeling, hope. Who knew putting in a homegrown running quarterback and not attempting to out-athlete teams with superior athletes could do for the soul?

Paul Rhoads felt that hope so deep in his balls he went off and fired Mangino over it. Add in the fact that Texas is a complete enigma, and hot damn I'm becoming aggressively hopeful! Hell, we might just lose on a late game blunder on by officials again! That's the pinnacle of Cyclone football, right there.

But anyway, we're gonna get back to what this year's Troll was supposed to be about. I'm gonna actually look back over the course of the last year and point out all the wonderful things you've done for my enjoyment. If you're looking to dig deeper into Texas' wonderful history, click here.

So looking back to last year's epic matchup between these two powerhouses, Iowa State actually tried to win, until the very end.This is by far the best Mark Mangino's offense EVER looked. Do you think our offense will do something similar this year?!?

But on the other side of the ball we managed to puke all over our dicks, which was par for the course last year, but still. Watching that game was ass torture. To see a bad offense actually clicking against a good defense, in clutch moments no less, only to see our bad defense give up two deep balls to a bad offense. How couldn't ANYONE on the defense see that coming?

We gifted you that game. You should be ashamed and return that game to us immediatly. Along with this game:

First off, fuck this guy. Still.

Second off, let's remind you that's a two game win streak for us against Texas and you need to return both of those wins to us immediately. Too bad we're not the Big Ten, or else you could actually return "rivalry trophies" to us. That'd be cute.

But anyways, let's get back to last season. The game right after the one we forgot how to football for 12 seconds, you proceeded to go the Draft Kings commercial side of the spectrum and put up a whoppin' 0 against K-State. Typical. But after that debacle, you went all Good Texas and reeled off three straight wins.

Those wins were big because they got you to YOUR OWN BOWL GAME. God damn the luxury it would be to throw yourself a big party at the end of the season that includes a pointless bowl game. Find a few sponsors, but their name on some of the shit that already has your name on it, and BAM - bowl game. And not to mention you reverted back to Draft Kings Commercial Texas and got blown out, of A BOWL GAME WITH YOUR NAME IT. At least we were already moved on to basketball by then.

Then some game called basketball happened and we managed to do this you if you remember:

That was the first lead for ISU all game long.

But enough with basketball, we know you don't understand it. So we fast forward to the start of this year's football season. You get blown the hell out by Notre Dame, beat a bad Rice team, and then fire your AD. HAHA blaming him for Mack Brown's shitty mess is cute. He hired a new coach to clean up his mess, but apparently only one year and playing a thousand freshman was the tipping point. You canned him for a hire you didn't like, but keep that hire in the same position.

Smart.

Because the next couple games sure went according to plan after that. Your kicker missed a PAT to tie the game with a minute remaining. It led to this reaction:

In the very next game, your punter proceeded to do this and hand Oklahoma State the victory:

That's some tasty shit right there. Nothing like years of karma rearing its ugly head in the most valuable moments.

Then, in the very next game, TCU made mush out of your brains and ended you to the tune of 50-7. We were only down 3 to TCU at the half! SUCK IT. And I'm not gonna mention the fact you enigmas then somehow beat Oklahoma and K-State. Your team is dumb.

And finally, your beloved Bevo kicked the can like the big dumb animal he is. He was meant to be eaten from the day he was crapped out by his stupid Bevo mom.

If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than Texas, don't hesitate to share in the comments.