Dear Coach Snyder,
Let me start off by saying you are one hell of a coach. We here in Cyclone Nation really envy and respect what you've done down in the Little Apple. I'm sure you've heard all these gushing compliments before, but just shut up and listen one more time. This might be the last chance to express my true feelings toward you...so here I go.
We poor Cyclone fans see K-State as a "sister school" of sorts here in the Big 12. You have all the same advantages and disadvantages of a northern school in the Big 12.
HA. Advantages? Who am I kidding? There are no advantages for northern schools in this league. We have to fight for all the scraps the cool and important teams left us. That usually requires us to get kids from the South who have competing scholarships from Ball State, Miami (OH) and KANSAS. That list is embarrassing. But either way, that's what we have to work with. So we do what we can.
And doing what we can is usually being the punching bags for those cool and important teams I hinted at above. I know Iowa State definitely has! But somehow, someway, you found a way to not only have a one night stand with success. No, you found a way to have a long and fruitful relationship with success. And oh daddy, did you out kick your coverage.
Success is a big titted blonde who has the ability to carry out an interesting and intelligent conversation. That's the motherload, man. Every schmuck in the world thinks they can pull such sweet ass, but no one ever does, because most of us are losers.
But you sir, you are not that loser. Your old silver foxy ass has always had the ability to pull that hot, successful tail. And you didn't just pull that tail - you married it.
You took over a program that might as well have been shut down. It was gross. And your first year on the job showed that -- you went 1-10 in your first season. But your foxy self had a winning program in just two years, and a bowl win in four.
Then, in the late 90s and early 2000s, you just went ahead and won MULTIPLE New Year's bowl games. Like a Cotton and Fiesta Bowl. And you also played in two others... No big deal.
But then came a couple what we call, "normal years" and you went below .500. After those two years, you decided to hang it up. Or so we thought...
Kansas State went back to being what we all thought they were -- average punching bags. It was nice knowing that the universe always wins and we northern schools were meant to be punching bags.
But you defied the universe. You were sick of that average shit and decided you wanted to coach some more, so you came back and within three years were back at the Cotton Bowl. Again. Followed by the Fiesta Bowl. Again.
But this year is different. Your team seems like the average punching bag we thought you should have been for so long. You lost to Texas. That's umm, well, bad. You even wrote an open letter (THANKS FOR THE INSPIRATION) this year after Oklahoma stomped on your balls. I guess it happens when you get old, nothing to be ashamed of.
And now that this mediocrity has crept back into your exceptional life, there are rumors of your retirement once more. And if you don't decide to step aside after this year, well, I have some advice for you. I'm not sure how to say this, so I'm just gonna come out with it. And remember, I say this with the utmost respect and admiration:
Fuck off, Bill Snyder.
You have crushed Iowa State's dreams of beating you, year after year. Seemingly all by a touchdown or less. You make us look like turd muffins every year when you have the same amount or even less resources at your disposal, and yet make it to super cool bowl games.
You're supposed to be our equal Farmageddon bros who trade victories with us, not the GREEDY WIN WEASEL you truly are. So I say you should leave while you have some semblance of integrity. Don't pull a noodle-armed Peyton Manning on us... That would be sad for everyone involved.
So do Cyclone Nation a favor and fuck off, Bill Snyder.