The WRNL Hotbox

Hello, friends!  On this week's edition of the Hotbox, we're going to mix things up a bit.  I have invited a Special Guest Host to answer some of your most pressing questions. NormanUnderwood will be that Special Guest Host!  We decided to trade off questions, so unfortunately you won't be able to get both of our perspectives on every issue.  Sorry.  But Norm seemed to be more inclined to answer some of the more "edgy" subjects.  And the results make the Hotbox a little more hotter this week.  You've been warned.

And for Dreamy's sake, don't tell his wife.

HOTBOX DOUBLE TEAM:

Bitterwhiteguy,

Let's say Rick Barnes gets fired, Texas offers McDreamy $4m/year, and he accepts.  Describe the ensuing WRNL reaction.

Cydeliner: I thought we were just becoming friends and then you go and do something like this.  First off, HE WOULD NEVER.  He'll jump to the NBA before he EVER goes to ANY college school - especially one that is in the Big XII who he probably hates.  Second off, as of this writing it looks like Texas is gonna crush my dreams and do in my anemic Cyclones.  And with this win, Rick Barnes is gonna get his team to the Tourney and probably save his job.  I had so many great plans for this weekend in Kansas City and OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I WILL KISS EVERYONE.

But if in some alternate universe reality, Dreamy broke up with me Iowa State and started dating the Hot Cheerleading Captain Texa$ - Cyclone Nation would start a riot.  Well, it wouldn't be the first time we rioted, but it would be the one actually with meaning.  Just imagine how many dumpsters and couches would be aflame.  Imagine how many cars would be tipped.  Imagine how many innocent windows would be smashed.  It would be the riot to end all riots.  Ames would be burnt to the ground.  Even our endless Tears of Unfathomable Sadness wouldn't be enough to put it out.  Iowa State Athletics will then be banned from the NCAA because NCAA.  Then we will wander the Plains for all eternity looking for something to give us Sports Hope.  We will find nothing.  We hate all our neighboring schools so we will wander the Plains until extinction.

Pretty fitting end, actually.

WDM4CY,

Dear Hotbox,

Do you ever sing to yourself in a public bathroom?  I was on the can at work when someone started singing "Light em up".  Would it have been kosher for me to join in?

NormanUnderwood:

1. Only when savaging my crank.  I just can't climax without a little sweet soul music.  If you ever hear a man belting, "Respect" by Aretha Franklin in a bathroom stall, it's me.  If you hear the part where I'm spelling out the word "respect", I'm finishing.  You've been warned.
2. I have no idea what "Light 'Em Up" is.  I suspect it's that god awful Fall Out Boy (?) song that's on every god damn sports broadcast.  If it is, the only appropriate way to join is in by kicking their stall open and pissing on them.  People who spread Fall Out Boy into public places deserve nothing less than a surprise golden show.

Pro-Tip/Legal Advise: If you yell, "GOLDEN SHOWER" before unleashing, you can't get in trouble.

Bryclone,

Would winning the Big 12 Tournament possibly give us better seeding for the Big Dance?  I'm happy if we are a 3 seed, but is a 2 remotely possible by winning the conference tournament?

Cydeliner: This has been a subject of great interest in Cyclone Nation recently.  Our Cyclones managed to beat Texas with leading exactly 0:00 in the game.  That's absolutely, incredibly, hilarious.  Now I know how it feels to be our conference brethren for when they screw us out of cool stuff.  You figuratively stole something you didn't deserve, but yet get rewarded for it and NO ONE CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.  We should do that more often.

But back to your question.  It is certainly possible to move up, but a bit unlikely.  IF Iowa State manages to win their next two games, a few things still need to happen.  Gonzaga won their conference tourney so they will most likely say at their projected 2 seed.  Arizona, Kansas, and Wisconsin are still to play.  If let's say, Arizona or Wisconsin lose before their conference final, they MIGHT drop a seed.  But one, I doubt they lose before then.  And two, even if they did, I doubt they would even fall to a 3.  Our hope lies with us and Kansas.  If KU loses on Friday or (God willing) to ISU in the championship, the committee has a decision to make.  Do you go with the team that went two of three against the regular season conference champs?  Or do you stick with the team with the better RPI and SOS numbers?  I would say you would have to give it to ISU for winning two of three, but I'm a certified homer.

Let's just stick with the old adage of, "ONE GAME AT A TIME" for now.

DNA4CY,

Disrespectfully not agree.

Hotbox,

I appreciate your take on the matter and it sounds very convincing and inspirtation, Howerever, if you have seen Jameel do this Fist Hand Rock thing, you would notice he makes a fist, covers his fist with his gigantic hand, and then sticks it out like Mufasa holding Simba. Thus the order, and thus why I disagree with your take on the matter. What do the rest of the peoples think?

NormanUnderwood: First, I think you need a better proofreader.  What in the fuck does, "convincing and inspiration" even mean?  I mean come on, you can't put a noun and verb in that order?  Jesus.  Ok, ok.  I know, I'm being a dick.  I fuck up a lot too.  At the first Riot Bowl I was so drunk that literally everything in front of me was a blur.  There was an ad on the jumbotron for Ferrell's Extreme Gym (or whatever it's called) and there was a picture of a blonde lady on there.  My wife has blonde hair, and had done Ferrell's in the recent past prior to it.  I thought it was her and began pointing it out.  Loudly.  I was trying to congratulate her and show off her accomplishment, but the problem was that the lady on the screen weighed 100 lbs more than her.  So, yeah.  What was the question?  Fuck it.  We all make mistakes.  Just don't ever mistake a fat person for your normally sized (and attractive) spouse in a public place and you'll die a better man than I.

CosmicCrank,

As a fine upstanding citizen I feel like opening up a discussion on the quality of gentlemen's social clubs or "titty bars" in KC. The only one I have ever been to, and most popular at least to my knowledge, is "Bazookas." Let me preface by saying I enjoy seeing women of all body types swinging around poles but do not let the name fool you. I gave been there three times and am starting to think the name "Bazookas" is supposed to be ironic. Any suggestions on other strip clubs to check out while down there?

NormanUnderwood: I've never been to a titty bar in Kansas City, but if I've learned anything in a lifetime of degeneration, it would be that the greatest strip club moments happen in strip clubs that are on the fringe of metro areas, or completely out in the boonies/small towns.  I would suggest a Google search of gentlemen's clubs in the area, and determine what is in the most remote area, or smallest town.  Figure out an escape route.  Get lots of alcohol, and probably some drugs - strippers LOVE drugs - and head there.  Post up in sniffer's row.  Be loud.  Be cavalier in your attempts to share your drugs with the strippers.  This will result in attempts to barter sexual favors for said drugs.  They might not even ask you to pay for the handjob if you'll just share a toot of yeyo.  Make sure to lie and say it's somebody's bachelor party.  Whomever you really want to get shit on.  I'll leave their screen name out of it, but let's just say that at a certain WRNL writer's bachelor party, we careened into Boji Nites in Arnold's Park for what was supposed to be a half hour of boobs in the face.  5 hours later we left, and during that time period the bachelor had been forced to crawl around the club on his hands and knees while the stripper rode him like a monkey on a dog, and the best man might have fornicated in a private booth.  Big city strippers are too uppity anyways

Let us know what you thought of our Special Guest Host, NormanUnderwood.  Did he give good advice?  Was he funny?  Did you go a little too far?  Either way, let us know and leave any and all your Hotbox questions down in the comments.

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance.

-Socrates