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Big 12 Basketball Teams Assigned to Their Proper MLB Franchise

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The Pittsburgh Pirates never lost to Georgia State in March, but you get the idea.

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Like it or not, Iowa State’s basketball season is over and the end-all national title game is not far behind. Too quick for my liking but, like every year, so it goes.

Enter baseball.

Enter hot dogs and peanuts. Beer and nachos. Sunshine and rain-outs. Tommy Johns and 15-day DLs and forgetting that you have a fantasy team.

If you’re anything like me, you’re anxious for pitchers to finally take the rubber but can’t seem to stop reminiscing about the hoops season that just was. Or wallowing. Wallowing is a better word.

But today, the best of both worlds, where we combine the two pastimes and match up each Big 12 basketball team with its best-suited Major League Baseball franchise.

Implied but not listed: Big 12 refs are this.


Kansas

Reloading, never rebuilding. Yawn. Always in the good graces of the powers that be. A coach with that permanent shit-eating grin, or at least a face you could kick for pleasure. Will flake out of the postseason early. KANSAS IS THE NEW YORK YANKEES.

Iowa State

A proven coach. Great fans. Neat playing facility. You want to believe they could beat anybody. Not to be trusted, except for those times when they look like the best sports team ever assembled. Scoring at a premium. Defense pretty much optional. Always *this* close. IOWA STATE IS THE LOS ANGELES ANGELS.

Oklahoma

The perennial trendy pick. They were really good that one time, you just can’t remember when. A coach who can get the media to kiss his bare wrinkly feet without saying a word. OKLAHOMA IS THE CLEVELAND INDIANS.

West Virginia

Always trying to belong, just in general. Really, really tough to score on when they’re trying. Large, sweaty coach who likes to yell. Dedicated fans are hard to come by, mostly because all the places they have to play in are a trillion miles away. N o  o n e  e v e r  m a k e s  f u n  o f  t h e  p e o p l e  w h o  l i v e  h e r e . WEST VIRGINIA IS THE SEATTLE MARINERS.

Baylor

What they lack in national attention and long-term success they pretty much make up for in raw, athletic talent. A coach who maybe catches more flack than he deserves. People would rather watch football here anyway. BAYLOR IS THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES.

Texas

Every year the cream is supposed to rise to the top, and every year it doesn’t. Defined by their ability to keep you from scoring. Hasn’t done anything cool in a decade. TEXAS IS THE ATLANTA BRAVES.

Oklahoma State

Was supposed to contend in 2014 and definitely did the opposite of that. Probably has that tiny white guy you hate. Also hasn’t done anything cool in a really long time. Naz Long enjoys his time here? OKLAHOMA STATE IS THE TORONTO BLUE JAYS.

Kansas State

Purple and stupid and plays in a venue where people either A) act like they’re high, or B) are high. Going to be really, really, really, really, really bad in 2015. KANSAS STATE IS THE COLORADO ROCKIES.

TCU

The "puppy with only two front legs who is clearly trying his best" of its league. Got one of those sad puppy wheelchair things for its two hind legs this past season and actually didn’t finish last. And have you even SEEN where these guys play? Fucking weird, man. TCU IS THE MIAMI MARLINS.

Texas Tech

Never going to win anything ever. TEXAS TECH IS THE CHICAGO CUBS.