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Fred Hoiberg Leaving to Coach Russian Basketball Team

Where there's smoke there's usually a tire fire.

Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

It's easily to speculate as to the reasons why assistant coach Matt Abdelmassih announced his departure for St. John's yesterday. Some say he's going home, or that he wants a new opportunity, or that it was a precursor to a bigger move by Fred Hoiberg.

Well now we know the real reasons.

Sources confirm to WRNL that Fred Hoiberg has accepted the head coaching position for the Sochi Dikiye Sobaki, a Russian professional basketball team that will start its first season this coming fall.

It's a curious move for Hoiberg as he seemingly has everything he needs in Ames. Parents, great schools, an easy commute, a devoted fan base, but there's something he just can't get in America: easy travel to Højbjerg in Denmark. The fact is the Mayor may always call Ames home, but his true home is his namesake in Europe. Moving to Russia will allow Hoiberg free and easy access to his favorite city and that's just something no amount of begging from Jamie Pollard can change.

We haven't been able to contact Hoiberg about this move, but our sources tell us he's aiming for the first ever Iowa State all-star team in a professional league. Contacts have already been made with Diante Garrett, DeAndre Kane, Scott Christopherson, Jared Homan, and Melvin Ejim. And if there was a Boat Tracker web site similar to Flight Tracker then we would be able to confirm a boat is on its way to pick up Royce White.

The facilities in Sochi are second to none and Hoiberg and his team will have run of the town in between games. The allure of not having to recruit high school kids and their parents is apparently too much for Hoiberg, and now he gets to take his talents to the Motherland and showcase his band of transfers the "right way".

Hoiberg's move opens up another coaching search for Pollard and our sources tell us he's zeroed in on one man for the job: Paul Shirley. The alum coaching connection has worked once and Shirley's world traveler status will guarantee he never jumps ship for browner pastures. Shirley's rumored top assistant is Wayne Morgan due to his connections to New York (hello Cheick Diallo!) and the lack of satellite TV in the Sukup Practice Facility.

Stay tuned to WRNL for more coverage of this "news" story.

Ed Note: Hi there, today is April 1st, otherwise known as April Fool's Day.  If you didn't get the obvious humor in this piece then please re-evaluate your life. Also, try not to overreact (looking at you, CycloneFanatic).