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The Hoiberg Mystery (Hot)Box

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You have questions about Fred Hoiberg? We have more skepticism.

First off, yes, this is yet another article about Fred Hoiberg and this whole, Maybe Not Coaching Us Anymore Thing.  And second, yes, this is yet another article that's not a normal Hotbox because the Maybe Not Coaching Us Anymore Thing is the only thing people are talking about.  And third, I want my #CLICKS.

The Box also wants to apologize about being a bit flakey lately.  The Hotbox articles haven't been coming at the normal weekly rate.  And I blame that on the offseason.  And if any of us ever decide to give a shit about football.  Or are somehow able to move on mentally and emotionally from the departure of Dreamy.  Which we won't and will be regarded as the biggest dick kick of them all.  But as our own Mr. Narber said, we can have fond memories of our success and support Dreamy wherever and whatever he decides to do.

But this is the Hoiberg Mystery (Hot)Box.  So this won't be the longform think-piece that ends on an emotional high and recommends that we should support our Dreamy no matter what (we def should).  We need those articles because it makes us look like a rational group of people who don't poison trees and such.  But you should know by now that The Box doesn't roll like that.  The Box is going to make wild claims about whatever the fuck and act like a goddamn genius regardless.  So that's what The Box is going to do.  We aren't sure what Dreamy is going to pick and do until opens his Mystery (Hot)Box.  But we do have a pretty good grasp on what his options are to choose from.  But which Mystery (Hot)Box will he choose?!?

Just be nice and act like you've never heard or read any of this shit before.  :)

TO THE HOIBERG MYSTERY (HOT)BOX:

Hoiberg Mystery (Hot)Box #1

If Fred Hoiberg chooses to open this Mystery (Hot)Box, he will be returning to a very familiar place.  He played here.  And since he is so good at everything, was the most likely player to get baked before games on this team. And at this point, The Box believes that this is the Mystery (Hot)Box he is most likely to choose.  In a situation where Jamie Pollard seemingly reinforces the idea that Fred will leave, makes this Box that much more probable.

In the Mystery (Hot)Box...

The Chicago Bulls

Oh man, you guessed it.  Even though the Chicago Bulls technically still have a Head Crazy Person already.  But everyone knows that the Bulls are interested in hiring a Head Basketball Coach instead of having the optional Head Crazy Person.  It's a bold strategy, we'll see if it works out for them.  And if it's Fred Hoiberg, I bet it will.

And oh yeah, this team is good enough to win a title right now.  That is if Derrick Rose stops being made of glass, of course.

Hoiberg Mystery (Hot)Box #2

If Fred Hoiberg chooses to open this Mystery (Hot)Box, he will be returning to a very familiar place.  He played here.  He worked here.  He is a legend around dem parts and could probably get away with a sex scandal that included video with Mrs. Pollard AND Mrs. Rhoads.  He could also probably get away with murder by either killing Steve Alford or pinning it on him.  Wouldn't be a very difficult debate of public opinion on that one.  Hell, he could actually hit the bong at center court before games and say it's for his health and this state would legalize it the next day.

I consider this to be the second most likely Mystery (Hot)Box for Dreamy to choose.

In the Mystery (Hot)Box...


Iowa State University

Please stay, Fred.  Please.

Hoiberg Mystery (Hot)Box #3

If Fred Hoiberg chooses to open this Mystery (Hot)Box, he will be returning to a very familiar place (NO TREND HERE).  He played here.  He worked here.  He knows many people that work there and has yet another "in".  And if anything, this is his second home.  Come to think of it, he might actually have a home there.  They have a very young team who are about to have its second straight #1 Draft pick.  Shit.  Forget I said any of this, Fred.  YOU HAVE ONE HOME AND IT'S IN AMES, IOWA NEVER LEAVE US.

I consider this the third most likely option for development reasons.

In the Mystery (Hot)Box...

The Minnesota Timberwolves

The Timberpuppies are an extremely young team that are not in much of a hurry to get good.  They will save money by having many young guys and role players on the team until they get enough good draft picks to actually decide to compete for stuff.  I think they call that tanking.  And Freddy Boy doesn't strike me as a guy who is real into the idea of, "hurry up and wait" starting this summer.  That's why I think he most likely won't go here THIS SEASON.  This is something that gets interesting NEXT SEASON.  Dreamy gets another year to let them develop, potentially get yet another high draft pick, and take one more shot with his best college squad to date.  This idea intrigues me because every party gets something they want.  We get Fred one last time.  The Timberpuppies get their man and team of the future.  And Fred gets the NBA gig he always wanted at a place he might be the most comfortable at.  Win-Win-Win.  Sorta.

Hoiberg Mystery (Hot)Box #4

If Fred Hoiberg chooses to open this Mystery (Hot)Box, he will not be returning to a very familiar place.  He didn't play here.  He didn't work here.  These are places he could go just because the job is open.  But even though these jobs are open doesn't mean his name has even been attached to these jobs.  This is far and away the least likely Mystery (Hot)Box Dreamy could choose.

If he chooses this Box, I will shit my dick.

In the Mystery (Hot)Box...


The New Orleans Pelicans / Orlando Magic / Every Other NBA Job That Will Come Open Until Heat Death

Like I said, the only reason the first two are even in this Mystery (Hot)Box is because they are currently open.  He won't go to the Magic because they suck and who cares.  There is really only one reason to ever go coach in New Orleans.  That reason is a very browed Anthony Davis.  He will destroy our Universe and some coach will be lucky enough to watch it from the sideline.  And the last option is something we have grown very familiar with.  A NBA job opens up and Dreamy is of course mentioned as a target.  We mostly ignored that....until now.  But if he decides to stay in God's Country, this will happen until the Heat Death of our Universe.  Which of course will be caused by Anthony Davis.

"The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery.  There is always more mystery."
-Anais Nin