After Fred announced his decision on Tuesday, making his departure final, I felt it was time to start eating again and bring you, the reader, something uplifting and outside of the coaching search cycle. So if you actually clicked on this headline, a headline that didn't contain the words "coach" "Chicago" or "Hoiberg" in it, I thank you for your viewing and hope you enjoy.
I'll admit, the brief break I took from ingesting cheesey beef and starchy fries was a bit of relief to my arteries and Dockers® Comfort Waist slacks which disappointingly have a limit to their elasticity. I had not fully evaluated how this quest would directly conflict with Speedo season prior to engaging upon my journey, but we have come too far to turn back now. People (at least person) are depending on me for answers and so I must carry forth.
But after such a long layoff, where would I go? Almost all of my initial list had been marked off and I was running out of ideas. In honor of our departed coach (okay, it was to generate page clicks) my first inclination was to go to Applebee's and order a Hoiberger. Alas, I do not live in Central Iowa and my neighborhood bar and grill had heard of neither the man nor the menu item. After a quick Google search from my phone, I showed them an image and list of ingredients then explained who I was and why I was asking but nobody seemed overly interested in giving a shit. Several argumentative minutes later - moments that would include yelling, crying, laughing and some awkward hugs between me and the busboy - I decided I was probably better off not eating at Applebee's anyway and postponed my research for another week.
Finally I decided, "what better way to drown your sorrows than to drink beer and ogle women? TO HOOTERS!", I proclaimed. Then reality struck and I realized Hooters is yesterday's news. There is a new place in town and this Brestaurant's furniture is firmer, their televisions sit higher on her curvy wooden walls and the beer just tastes better. Sure it may seem a little immature, but you'll probably put up with it for its looks. It's name is Twin Peaks.
The moment you walk through the door you feel as though you have entered the ultimate man cave. A man cave that comes replete with waitresses clad in midriff flannel tops and classy - a.k.a khaki - short shorts. For those who have never been; Twin Peaks is everything you loved about Hooters, but with a hunting lodge motif and edible food. And, just so you realize that they really understand their target market, there are television sets literally everywhere. You can begin an at-bat on your personal flat panel tv located in your booth, watch the batter hit a foul tip as you walk past the bar and see the umpire call strike three as you relieve yourself in front of a small television placed directly in front of each stand up urinal.
Seriously, I want to decorate my home in this exact fashion one day.
The clientele was pretty much what you would expect. There were some young college aged men sitting at the bar, sucking on their trendy vapor sticks and puffing out their chests as the bartender worked her way back and forth in front of them. There was a father and son initiation occurring at the table across from our booth, the man showing the boy how to properly stare at lady parts without getting caught. There was also the biker couple sitting at a high top, drinking beer; both showering attention on their not-to-be-intimidated server. Random scatterings of middle aged businessmen, making crude and inappropriate jokes as their waitress took their order, completed the scene.
Anyway, where Hooters always failed for me was the quality of food. It was beyond awful, even for a twentysomething who knew little about quality food, and the novelty of tanned buxom girls, dressed in tight orange clothing and flirting with you in a shameless effort to increase the volume of their tip jars wears thin after 3-4 hundred visits. The gastric punishment just isn't worth it, even more so now that the franchise has grown old and saggy. Would Twin Peaks offer up the same? Let's find out.
This is Twin Peaks.
Apparently, Twin Peaks was founded in 2005 in Lewisville, Texas, but that isn't what's important. What is important is why I didn't know the word "Breastaurant" existed before today.
I am making a promise to my son when I get home to do better in life. He deserves better.
Twin Peaks purportedly prepares all of their menu items in house from scratch, which is a notable step up from their contemporaries who, I assume, collect spare chicken parts from other restaurant's dumpsters to make their famous wings.
It includes basic bar fare ranging from a Fried Pickle Basket, Buffalo Wings and BBQ Pulled Pork Nachos in the Teasers section to burgers, pot roast and steaks in the Smokin' Hot Dishes. As with every other element here, the menu caters towards a manly-man's digestive desires, so not many vegetarian selections or salads are to be found.
The Twin Cheeseburger looks and sounds amazing. Caramelized onions, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, pickles and American cheese. I'll have that.
Cheese - I admit I wept a little when I saw what the waitress brought to my table. This is was a cheeseburger. Everywhere you looked, there was cheese. Melted, gooey fantastically delicious American cheese. In fact, there was so much cheese I had a difficult time inspecting the meat for its category. Each bite was the perfect ratio of meat and cheese and the resulting flavors pushed me to the brink of a foodgasm.
Cheese Score - 10/10
Meat - Again, this was everything I look for in a burger. The patties were perfectly sized - not so thin that all you taste is dry meat and seasoning, but not so thick as to prevent the seasoning from fully penetrating the crust. And, oh was it juicy. In fact, when I was done eating this magnificent creation that God himself must have assembled, I was able to wring leftover juices from the paper wrapper in which it was served.
Another perfect score for me.
Meat Score - 10/10
Bun - The bun was not nearly as impressive as the rest yet it did nothing to dissapoint. A strategically placed layer of lettuce helped protect the bottom bun from the likely assault of grease and cheese from above and the upper portion was well constructed and fluffy. If I had a complaint it would be that there wasn't much value add to the bread. It wasn't bad, it just didn't seem to live up to the same standards set by the other ingredients. Which is more of a compliment to them than an insult to the bun.
Bun Score - 7/10
Overall - This was almost the perfect burger based on my personal preferences. There is nothing fancy with Twin Peak's Twin Cheeseburger, but I don't need all the glitz and glamor. Just give me something simple yet satisfying and I will forever be happy.
Had you told me I could find such a thing from an establishment such as this, I would have laughed in your face. Do not make the same mistake.
Overall Score 27/30