We Iowa State fans were going along on our merry way through the suck that is the offseason. We were doing our usual thing where we're losing out on recruits, suffering through unexpected injuries/ailments and generally hating our lives.
Yet, somehow still predicting at least six wins.
Normal stuff, really. But in the midst of one of our better defensive players overcoming one of the mentioned unexpected ailments, we were brutally attacked.
USC fans are salty pic.twitter.com/WCFhKo9TqP— WRNL (@WideRtNattyLt) July 24, 2015
This conduct is unacceptable and will not tolerated. This is not the time for rational thought and considerations... We must not hesitate in our response to this football hate monger. We will strike back right where it hurts this dick the most: USC's uniforms.
Why They Suck
I mean, look at those things. Maroon(ish) and yellow. EW. What kind of person supports a team that has the color yellow in their uniforms? Yellow is ugly and reminds people of piss, vomit, and bananas. Piss and vomit I can understand with USC, but bananas? That's where the line needs to be drawn.
Bananas look like dicks. Can't be associated with such phallus imagery... Yet here we are, TROJANS! That's right, USC's mascot is also heavily involved with dicks. Coincidence?!? You be the judge. And you probably call maroon "Trojan Blood Red" or something made up and contrived. Cardinal is the color that everybody has heard and agrees on.
God, USC sucks.
Next, they decided to put a banana-yellow cartoon Trojan on their helmet. First off, that's not even their logo. Second, their mascot is an ancient people (maybe) who got worked by a bunch of idiot Greeks.
GREECE CAN'T EVEN DO MONEY RIGHT.
You asshats fell for the old, "Trojan Horse" trick. That's like the oldest trick in the book, and it worked flawlessly on you. So flawlessly in fact, you put one of the dipshits who fell for it on your helmet.
Dipshits don't go on helmets.
Now let's move to the actual styling of the jerseys themselves. Who the hell does the whole, "Only-Two-Tones-Of-Color-Are-Strictly-Acceptable" thing anymore? Adding in another color, let's say like blue for instance, certainly spices things up and keeps the brand fresh.
And then there's those horrifying, child-memory inducing sleeves. You know, the old flag football jerseys that had some NFL team on the front and sleeves with one cheap-ass stripe on them? USC's sleeves conjure up memories of when my father didn't love me enough after losing a flag football game. What is USC trying to tell our children? That they will never be good enough?
Put two stripes on those bad boys just like your pants. The pants are good, I have no quarrel with your pants. Two stripes is more than one - it's science.
Now that we can all agree that USC has terrible uniforms that should be nuked into the sun, let's visually compare Iowa State's uniforms to USC's.
It's no comparison. Take away your national championships, your Heisman trophies, your bowl victories, your moderate climate, your beautiful women and your proud tradition, and what do you have?
Just a bunch of dicks.