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The Big 12 as Mild Everyday Inconveniences

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From the ratings system that also brought you Northern Iowa as the untraceable rock in your shoe.

Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

Kansas: When there's one less step on the stairs than you expect

Most of the trip was honestly great. Like every other trip you’ve ever made. Decent footwork. On your toes the majority of the time. It went pretty well. So well, in fact, you’re actually on autopilot. And then it happens: the gigantic, awkward blunder at the very end that nearly drops you to your knees. But you’re good. You look around to make sure no one saw. And they didn’t, because it’s Fox Sports 1 at 8:00 PM on a Saturday.

Texas Tech: The item on the menu you want most is unavailable

There’s one way and one way only to beat Texas Tech: keep them from scoring an absurd amount of points. But thanks to Wally Burnham, like the Steak de Burgo and garlic potatoes, that option is never available.

TCU: When you go to wipe and your finger pokes through the toilet paper

The entire Iowa State football experience is like taking a painful shit anyway. All you try to do is clean up the mess you just created and get the hell out of there. Nope. Poop finger. And Gary Patterson is still going for it on 4th down.

Baylor: Every time you cough, a little poop comes out

Remember that time I said the entire Iowa State football experience is like a painful shit? Welcome to the Baylor game! Where each play is a chest cough — typically curable with drugs and a fifth of Jameson — except you’re ALREADY NOT FEELING WELL BECAUSE IT’S MID-OCTOBER. Cough, poop, cough, poop, fetal position, 85 to nothing.

Texas: Catching the cord to your earbuds on a door knob and having them ripped out of your ear

Finally. Bliss. Tranquility. This is going shockingly well for once. The fourth quarter is John Mayer on repeat and you are strolling right along; a truly unstoppable human on this day. Actually nope, fuck you. Tyrone Swoopes is a protruding brass door knob.

Oklahoma: Every time you go to open double doors, you pick the one that’s locked

There is no further explanation for this except that Iowa State has a 50/50 shot at winning every sports game for the rest of eternity except for this one.

Oklahoma State: When it takes three tries to plug your flash drive into the USB port the right way

A .390 all-time winning percentage? Sounds about right. Don’t get me wrong, when you finally do get it in, shit does that feel awesome... Jeff Woody was the last man who made any of us feel good. Can't stop thinking about him pounding it right up the middle. Three times... Sorry, what are we talking about?

Kansas State: Putting on a pair of dry socks then stepping on the wet spot on the floor

Ah, that’s the ticket! Warm dry socks for a chilly fall afternoon. What's on the agenda today? An old white guy in a purple jacket? Well golly, maybe this is finally the time you make it a whole day in the same pair of— fuck.

West Virginia: The constant feeling of having to pee a little and then you can’t

The Mountaineers. They may beat you, they may not, but one thing is for sure: no matter where you are, they’re going to make you uncomfortable. Wait… What’s that? I can feel it… a victory! Incorrect. Three drops of stinging pee.