Due to the recent lack of success surrounding the Iowa State football program, it was decided that a ceremonial dumpster fire was necessary to allow friends of the program to sacrifice an item to the football gods in the hopes of turning things around. Participants were asked to donate an item that was more important to them than going to a bowl game.
Turnout for the ritualistic burning was much better than anticipated, as event officials had figured most of the people on or around the bandwagon had already burned, broken, or trashed most of the important items to them after watching the on-field product in recent years. From a source close to the situation, we were able to obtain a record of some of the items that highlighted the night's activities.
Kirk Ferentz: Captain Kirk stopped by just long enough to toss in his offensive playbook. Officials were able to get the following comment. "Obviously we don't need it. Our offense has been good enough my entire tenure and innovation is frowned upon in this establishment. My support only helps us as a loss to a 6-6 team looks a lot better than a loss to a 2-10 team...again."
Art Briles: In his own words, Coach Briles identified this the start of his "2015 Revenge Tour". To mark the occasion, the Baylor coach threw in 49 Big 12 Co-Champion trophies that Commissioner Bowlsby handcrafted for them last fall out of construction paper and puff paint. "Each of these piles of crap represents another point we should have laid on you pricks last year. You thought 71-7 was bad last time in Waco? Let's see what these CFP voters have to say when we hang 109 on a 6-6 Iowa State team!! YEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
Bill Snyder: As he threw in a pack of Taco Bell coupons, Wild Bill just smiled and said "I just kind of feel bad for you guys. Plus, I'm a regular and local legend so I don't need these coupons anyway."
austinnarber & CYHusker: A couple of WRNL writers made their way to the dumpster fire too. While Narber was standing by the fire looking super emotional and CYHusker was heaving chunks of dirt onto the flames, the following exchange was documented:
Reporter: Sir, what are you doing?
Narber: (holding back tears) I'm melting down this Troy Davis signed license plate to make participation medals for the defensive lineman, because we don't even sniff a bowl game without them being superhuman.
Reporter: I see...what about you?
CYHusker: (feverishly shoveling chunks of turf into the dumpster) These are pieces of turf from the OSU and Iowa victories at Jack Trice in 2011. The last time I was happy. (tears start running down his face) Need any help Narber?
Narber: (whispers while really holding back tears) Goodbye my sweet Troy... Nah, I'm ok. Just make sure you save enough grass as a gift for Les Miles to chew on when we face LSU in our New Year's Day bowl game. There's no way this doesn't work, right?
AutoZone Liberty Bowl Rep: Sir, I think you mean when Iowa State faces LSU in the AutoZone Liberty Bowl from Memphis, Tennessee airing at 2:20pm, January 2nd on ESPN!
CYHusker: This better fucking work. (Angrily raises shovel to shoulder and storms off)
AutoZone Liberty Bowl Rep: When asked what they were contributing, the representative issued the following statement:
"We at the AutoZone Liberty bowl just had so much fun when y'all were down here in 2012 that we want to do it again! The collective alcoholism of Iowa State fans brought in a bunch of business to Memphis area establishments, and the binge session after Tulsa beat the hell out of...."
It was at this point, Levi Peters arrived, hoisted the rep over his head and chucked him into the flames.
Paul Rhoads: (flanked by 12 players and looking rather intoxicated) Reporters tried to get information from Coach Rhoads as to what he was contributing to the sacrificial burning, but he just started giggling every time someone said "bowl game," so a player that wished to remain anonymous filled in.
Reporter: What is Coach donating this evening, it looked like some sort of CD?
Player: Coach is donating his "Smoke on the Water" entrance music. Completely his decision.
Reporter: Really? We should have had this ceremony five years ago.
Player: Yeah, coach wasn't ready to part ways yet, but we were able to convince him over an 11 hour discussion at Es Tas.
Here are a few of the other items of note that night:
Many season ticket holders trashed their tickets. As one fan put it "I won't be seeing another Paul Rhoads game in person unless it's in the post-season. I just purchased these to save my seats for the next regime."
Offensive Linemen threw in an assortment of body braces and athletic tape, proclaiming that this is the year they finally catch a break with the injuries. Unfortunately, Patrick Scoggins wasn't able to be present.
Hundreds of students stopped by to show their support. However, most were too drunk to understand the happenings and were just there to push the dumpster.
At the conclusion of the evening, the dumpster was blessed before being pushed down Welch Avenue and dumped in Lake LaVerne in true Iowa State fashion.
Here's to hoping none of this was sacrificed in vain!