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The Big 12 Walks Into a Bar (Part I)

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A new WRNL mini-series following the misadventures of the Big 12 on a rowdy night out.

It’s a Friday at the Big 12 bachelor pad. The conference is preparing to undergo a night of debauchery.

Oklahoma (Wearing a red polo shirt tucked into slack-shorts that rest above the knee and a visor): Okay, I think everyone’s ready to roll. Wait – where’s Baylor?

Texas (Wearing a burnt orange version of the exact same thing as Oklahoma): I made that idiot get his mom’s Astro van. How else are we going to get you nine gimps around tonight? It’s not like he drinks anyways.

Tech (Wearing jorts and a rip-sleeved Twisted Sister shirt): I just hope we're not going to be stuck listening to Christian rock all night. I’m going to shoot a hole through that fucking radio if I hear just one Amy Grant song.

TCU (Wearing a bro tank and head phones): *oonce oonce oonce oonce oonce oonce*

K-State (2003 Big 12 Champion t-shirt tucked into a pair of black Lee jeans, with a purple fannypack): OH BOY. ISN’T GREAT THAT WE'RE ALL TOGETHER? I LOVE YOU GUYS. CAN WE GET TACO BELL? I WANT TACO BELL.

KU (Adjusting his flat billed hat and basketball jersey): I swear to God, K-State, if you tell any of these chicks that we're related, I’m going to apply to the Big 10. I swear. To. God.

K-State: THERE ARE GONNA BE CHICKS? OH BOY! I BET THEY’LL LIKE ME IF I PUT HANSON ON THE JUKEBOX. THAT’S COOL, RIGHT?

Oklahoma: Has anyone seen ISU and WVU?  I thought I told Okie State to get those two together, like 10 minutes ago. That cocky little fucker never listens.

Oklahoma State (dressed exactly like Garth Brooks on the "Ropin’ The Wind" album cover) emerges from behind the house, pushing a hysterically giggling Iowa State and West Virginia. Iowa State is wearing a pair of Carhartts with no shirt underneath and West Virginia is wearing a coonskin hat, Starter jacket, and jeans with holes in the knees.

Oklahoma State: I FOUND ‘EM! I think these two morons have been sniffing glue for the past hour.

West Virginia: MO-RAN? FUCK YOU. COME AT ME BRO! YOU WANT TO HEAR ‘COUNTRY ROADS’ ALL NIGHT, BITCH? I’LL SHOW YOUR ASS HOW TO SNIFF GLUE LIKE A MAN.

Iowa State: Holy shit! You guys see that? It’s Fred Hoiberg and Seneca Wallace riding a unicorn!

Iowa State tries to run off and chase the hallucination, but Okie State lassos him. Baylor pulls up onto the curb. Baylor is dressed like a Mormon.

Texas: About time, bitch.

Baylor: Sorry guys, my Mom was giving me a lecture about the dangers of alcohol.

Texas: Don’t worry, bitch. You won't be drinking anything tonight.

Baylor: Are you sure you guys should be drinking too? That can get you in a lot of trouble. Look at Iowa State, he’s about ready to pass out already.

Oklahoma: He’s been huffing glue for the past hour. You probably would be too if you had to watch Paul Rhoads football.

The gang piles into Baylor’s Astro van. They appear to be a member short.

Baylor: Do you know where West Virginia went?

West Virginia: LOOK OVER HERE, BITCH!

West Virginia is urinating on Baylor’s driver-side door handle.

Baylor: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? This is my mom’s van! She’s going to kill me.

West Virginia: How’s that perfect season, cocksucker! (cackles maniacally)

Baylor: I really wish you guys wouldn't do so many drugs.

West Virginia finishes urinating, zips his pants off, rubs his damp hand across Baylor’s face, and enters the van

.....TO BE CONTINUED