With Saturday night's game against UNI rapidly approaching, Cyclone fans everywhere are gathering in coffee shops and at bars when they should be at work to swap predictions for the upcoming season. With so many different predictions out there, we decided to come up with something a little different: what we expect will happen during the first game of the season.
1. Before kickoff, a drunk
WRNL writer ISU fan, in search of free beer, walks into the glass of the SEZ, songbird style. He doesn't die, and is sad that it wasn't caught on camera to be played on the new scoreboard.
2. Paul Rhoads plays both the Star Spangled Banner and Smoke on the Water on his guitar before the game.
3. The torrential rain recently bombarding Iowa continues into the weekend, and the tailgate lots surrounding the stadium become flooded. Not to be discouraged, fans swap out their RVs for boat trailers, and head to Ames for some pregame boatin' and drinkin'. While heading to Target to find tailgating supplies, one ISU fan decides to try out his new jetski in the parking lot.
During the Game
4. Countless ISU students break their legs as they race down the bleachers before kickoff. Then, due to intense pre-game debauchery, the student section butchers the slow clap to Smoke on the Water as the team takes the field. Later, they try to start "Cyclone Power" chants at least 15 times, but the opposite side of the field doesn't hear them. Finally, freshmen students, who don't know any better, hold up their shoes for kicks instead of rattling their keys, and are pelted with smuggled in Busch Light cans.
5. Mark Farley, nursing a wicked hangover from going on a bender at Brothers in Iowa City the night before, forgets to take off his Hawkeye shirt before the game and is forced to change on the field shortly after the opening kick.
Hawkeye UNI fans are have no problem with this, however, as Panther fans are wearing Iowa shirts anyway.
6. An Iowa State wide receiver tears their ACL on the first offensive snap of each quarter, and the offensive line loses two starters to injuries by halftime.
7. Levi Peters goes on a tear in the second half, knocking out UNI's starting quarterback and running back. After killing the Panthers' return man on punt coverage, Ames PD chases after him on the field. Rhoads winks at him, tosses Peters the keys to his Harley, and he rides off into the sunset with the fuzz hot on his tail.
8. Rhoads gets so mad about a blown call by the refs that he breaks his headset and tosses it out onto the field. The Cyclones get a penalty for too many men on the field, as Paul's headset holder is still picking up the pieces during the next play.
9. Cyclone fans are too busy drooling/staring at the SEZ to notice the action on the field, and completely miss the first half of the game. Those who did watch it chose to watch the game on the new scoreboard, as it no longer took a telescope to see what the south scoreboard was showing.
10. The half-time entertainment is a slideshow of pictures from the construction of the SEZ set to Sweet Caroline. The marching band accompanies, while Jamie Pollard dances with Roy Reiman at midfield.
11. The SEZ adds to Jack Trice's already notorious on-the-field wind currents, prompting all field goals to sail wide right. Come to find out, there's an ACTUAL cyclone on the field.
12. David Johnson, after a paltry preseason performance Friday night against the Broncos, returns to Cedar Falls to "get his mind right." Mark Farley runs into Johnson at a dimly lit bar and, feeling as though he knows this semi-familiar face, offers Johnson a scholarship on the spot. With a starting job and a new-found lease on life, Johnson suits up Saturday night and runs for 713 yards and 11 touchdowns. UNI cruises to an easy victory over the Cyclones.
13. Richardson, Rohach, and Lanning all suffer horrendous knee injuries and are knocked out of the game. After being forced to play Levi Peters at quarterback, a savior arrives... Steele Jantz appears out of nowhere, and leads Iowa State on a game winning drive. Rhoads immediately offers the entire Jantz family, Foxx, Wolf, Stig, Truk, and Brogan, scholarships, and invites Steele back to play Iowa next weekend. A "Steele Jantz for Heisman" Facebook page is created. Steele's performance, however, was picked up by several NFL GM's, and by the next weekend, Jantz finds himself starting for the Buffalo Bills.
14. With a 82-17 Cyclone victory nearing completion, the two scoreboards suddenly transform into their true selves, meeting in a Decepticon and Autobot throw down at midfield. Thousands are injured/maimed/killed, and the season is cancelled.
15. Though the Cyclones were up 12-0 at halftime, the game comes down to the kickers. Both teams battle fiercely throughout the second half, and the game comes down to one final possession. Iowa State is down 13-12 with 1:28 left. Sam Richardson heaves up a prayer, and unknown quarterback-turned-wide receiver Darius Lee-Campbell (who would transfer to Ohio after the season and eventually make it to the NFL), makes a 38 yard catch, putting the Cyclones within field goal range.
Cole "Swoll" Netten comes in and nails the field goal to give Iowa State the lead, and finishes 5-6 on the day. UNI gets the ball back, and drives within 23 yards of the goal line. Their kicker,
Billy Hallgren Michael Schmadeke, lines up to kick the first field goal, but the Cyclones block it! UNI recovers, however, and square up their second shot at winning the game. But the Cyclones block it again and hold on for a 15-13 victory, leaving the fans happy and Paul Rhoads proud once again.