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'America Needs Another Lawyer' Program Introduced at the University of Iowa

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Members of the media gathered in Iowa City today to listen in after University of Iowa interim president, Jean Robillard, called a press conference to announce the start of a brand new program.

"For 30 years, we have promoted the idea that America Needs Farmers, despite the fact that our University does not possess an actual college of agriculture. For that reason, I'm announcing that beginning this year, we will be replacing ANF with an initiative more reflective of Iowa's institutional strengths," said Robillard. "In fact, we've been working on this amazing new program behind the scenes for a few months now."

The interim president continued, "I am pleased to introduce the America Needs Another Lawyer program as the latest campaign to come out of our great school. The University of Iowa has admittedly lost appeal with in-state kids in recent years, and we feel starting ANAL will appeal to resident millennials who aspire to become lawyers someday. It's new, it's zesty, and we really believe that ANAL is going to restore Iowa's ‘it' factor."

Robillard went on to explain some of the finer details of ANAL.

"Newly graduated law students already have to deal with blockages of many varieties on a daily basis, so we started ANAL as a way to help them penetrate the market more effectively. There are limited job vacancies around the nation, but we're confident ANAL will help fill those holes. It will take a bit of time to get ANAL up to full speed, but we believe that with the right amount of patience, it will pay off for all parties involved in the end."

Some reporters in the crowd voiced their displeasure with the announcement, but Robillard did his best to brush off the probing.

"There's no turning back now. We had to pull out of ANF because it simply didn't fit what Iowa is about. With ANAL, we're hoping we won't ever have to pull out like that again. If we decided to scrap the whole thing right now, the proverbial [expletive] would hit the fan."

"The Board [of Regents] and I are excited to have such a strong program concept like ANAL; it's something the University can really get behind."

On top of Iowa's Law School, additional University programs are planning to back ANAL as well.

"Our criminal justice department here at Iowa is very excited for ANAL, as are the inmates they've dealt with in the past," said Robillard.

When asked if there were any other University entities looking forward to diving into ANAL, Robillard noted, "Just the Tippie (College of Business)."

While most of the Iowa administration sees ANAL as a slam dunk, there are some that aren't as certain. Reporters asked a number of faculty/staff at the University their thoughts on the subject matter, and opinions were mixed.

"ANAL is going to be a problem," said an anonymous female staffer. "Everyone thinks ANAL will be great right off the bat, but there's a lot of planning involved that has yet to occur and preparations that must be made. There's a bunch of negative publicity surrounding the lawyer profession, and not everybody is open to the idea of ANAL."

The good news for ANAL supporters is that the school's most notable employees, Kirk Ferentz and Fran McCaffery, are already standing behind the program.

"I'd like to put in a little plug for ANAL," said Ferentz. "I really hope Hawkeye fans don't punt on the opportunity to get behind this new program."

"I can't be MAD about ANAL," added McCaffery.

Former Iowa quarterback, Ricky Stanzi, was kind enough to return to Iowa City and serve as a model for the new stickers the Hawkeyes will be wearing on their helmets to promote ANAL going forward.

StanziANAL

In addition to offering its own students the opportunity to partake in ANAL, the University is also extending the program to be available to full-time Kirkwood students.

"Seeing Iowa and Kirkwood students complete ANAL together will serve as the driving force behind future ANAL activities," said Robillard.

Bruce Harreld, who will take over as the new University president come November, mentioned his support of ANAL as the chief factor behind the Board's decision to hire him over the other U of I presidential candidates.

"I've been the butt of many jokes lately due to my qualifications," Harreld said, "but my backing of ANAL has never wavered. I'm excited to work on ANAL in my office and see its impact around campus."

In his closing remarks at the presser, interim president Robillard called on alumni and Hawkeye fans alike to rise to the occasion and make sure ANAL gets off to a frictionless start following its public reveal.

"It's never easy getting going with something like ANAL, but with an initial push from alumni and fans alike, we will be able to grease the wheel and get this thing rolling."

"Tell your friends, siblings and parents to join in as we all make the ANAL experience the best it can be."

Editor's Note: Further information regarding WRNL's knowledge of Iowa's newest program can be discovered by reading our disclaimer.