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The Hate Week Troll: Iowa Annual Review

Now that most of us have had at least a week to consider rational aspects of our upcoming opponent, it's time to not do that. This is your guide to prove that we, as a collective fan base, are far better than those mouth-breathers. Let's have a look back at all the terrible things they've done in the past year.


Hello and welcome to the First Annual Weekly Troll: [insert team we happen to hate this week] Annual Review.  If you are not familiar with the Weekly Troll, have a click back to last year's Hate Week Troll and get caught up on the shitty things the University of Iowa has done in recent history.  It's quite good, if I can say so myself.  But this year, we will be looking back at the horrible, horrendous, stupendous, hilarious things that have happened to [insert team we happen to hate this week] since the last time we met on the gridiron.  This week we will rejoice and bathe in the tears of our butt-licking neighbors to the east.

The Iowa Hawkeyes.

Do ya'll remember what happened the last time we met you guys in Iowa City?  Do you?  DO YOU???

Hot damn, I wish I could forever freeze Kirk's face in carbonite and forever have it displayed in Iowa State's trophy case for eternity.  That's the face of a man who knows he just sharted a halftime lead AND the game winning play down his leg.  Because if you don't remember, Captain Kirk attempted the tried and true, "LET'S CALL A TIMEOUT LAST SECOND SO THE KICKER CAN GET ANOTHER SHOT AT IT Method".  Unfortunately for him, it did not quite work out.  But fortunately for me and the rest of humanity, we will forever have the above images.  Love and cherish it.

After this splendid sequence of events, the Hawks seemingly got their shit together for awhile.  Wow!  It must have been hard to come back from such a devastating loss to two win little brother.  Kirk must be a good coach after all - you know with that elite Big 10 schedule and all.  SIGN HIM TO A MASSIVE EXTENSION ALREADY.  And thennnnn this happened:

This picture was taken right after Minnesota waved your asses to the tune of 51-14.  "OH, DARN IT THERE GOES ANOTHER TROPHY.  HOPEFULLY WE CAN GET THE NEXT ONE AGAINST OUR TOTALLY NOT MADE UP RIVAL, NEBRASKA!"  This game was delicious in every way to a Cyclone fan.  We were in the midst of our own small losing skid at the time, so it was a joy to watch Iowa get pushed down a very tall flight of stairs by a very average Big Ten team.  But speaking of delicious...

I know this wasn't against Iowa, but this man deserves a medal for such courage.  This is a coach.  Eating dilly bar.  During a game.  In the snow.  Kirk would never do something totally awesome and badass like this.  He would mostly likely take a knee and vow to never cheat on his sacred chewing gum.

But let's get back to trolling your dumb faces.  You then played but lost a respectable game to Wisconsin - good job, good effort.  What this paragraph is really here to do is to talk about your hilarious fall-apart loss against those hillbillies from Nebraska.  It was an exciting(?) game since it went to double overtime or somthin' er other.  Nebrasky AD Shawn Eichorst was so offended by only beating the Hawkeyes by three points in double overtime, he hauled off and fired Bo "I'll call you the C-word" Pelini.  Hear it from Mr. Eichorst himself:

"Our kids showed great character and resiliency in a tough environment,’’ Eichorst said. "So, it did play a factor, but in the final analysis I had to evaluate where Iowa was."

Let's all recall that NEBRASKA WON THE GAME.  Yeah, Bo is most likely impossible to work with since all he wants to do is scream and talk about how much he loves the sight of blood.  But the head of Nebraska athletics still felt the need to jump Iowa's ass for such a shitty win.  And he didn't stop there:

"I have a great respect for Iowa,’’ Eichorst said when asked further about the Hawkeye comparison. "It’s a wonderful institution and a wonderful football program. But in the final analysis, their record was where it was our record was where it was. Fair enough?’’

He kinda-sorta tried to backtrack when he realized that he just buried Iowa without a gravestone.  But that was a weak-as-hell backtrack.  He kinda-sorta backtracks, and then immediately doubled-down on how much he thinks Iowa should go drown in their own diarrhea.  God damn I hate Nebraska, but this made me like them in the smallest of ways.  When a somebody feels that strongly about how terrible the Iowa Hawkeyes are, I have to like them.  Oh yeah, you lost another "trophy" game.  The Big 10 is the worst.

After all this, you still somehow managed to make a bowl game.  Congrats on getting to go to Jacksonville - the place a pro team doesn't even want to be.  You went there to play an aggressively average Tennessee Volunteer team.  And thennnnn this happened:

And he's lucky he only got an illegal forward pass penalty.  That's not how football works, son.  And that was your football season.  And again - good job, good effort.

So we now move onto your basketball season.  And before you say anything, let me just say it for you - UAB!!!!!.  There did that get it out of your system?  It did?  Okay, good.  Because there is really only one thing to show about your basketball season.  The Hawks had the momentum going into the Cy-Hawk game - mostly being one of our starters likes his music on the high side.  But thennnnn this happened:

Georges hates the Hawks soooo much.  He is lovely.  Then your basketball season just kind of went along in the ever exciting Big 10 and then it just sort of...ended.  Then we went through the offseason with not much happening besides Kirk promising to not be a saltine cracker and do something that resembles entertainment.  But all that boring came to an end a couple weeks ago when you announced your new university president.  AND YOU HATE HIM. What, is a guy who led a frozen pizza chain not good enough for you?  Do you need to remind you that your business building is named, PAPAJOHN BUSINESS BUILDING?!?!  This man is perfect.  ALL HAIL BIG BROTHER PRESIDENT BRUCE HARRELD!

Happy Hate Week everyone.

If you have any other perfectly logical reasons for why we are better than Iowa, don't hesitate to share.