The Big 12 Walks Into a Bar (Part II)

The Big 12 van pulls up in front of what appears to be a generic sports bar.  The sign out front reads "KARAOKE: TONITE"

Baylor: Okay guys, is this the place?

TCU: *oonce oonce oonce oonce oonce oonce*

Texas: Looks like a shit hole.

Oklahoma State: The Taj Mahal looks like a dump when you're wiping your ass with Benjamins. I do that now. It's awesome.

Oklahoma (under his breath): 84-18-7

Texas Tech: Shit holes are usually crawling with girls who have daddy issues. Trust me on this.

Texas: Fair point. The way things have been recently, I should probably just be happy to hammer some substandard trim and get this dry spell broken.

Texas Tech: Be careful, might hook it with a burner. I got some of that wang cream. You know, in case you need it. It works pretty good, trust me.

Baylor: Are you guys talking about pre-marital sex? Did you know that's a si-

West Virginia: I WASN'T MARRIED TO YOUR MOM LAST NIGHT.

Baylor: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Oklahoma: Seriously, what in the fuck is wrong with you guys? Come on, let's head in.

The gang enters the bar, orders drinks, and begins to fan out. Kansas and TCU are on the dance floor, cruising for chicks.

Kansas (talking to a girl): So, yeah, I've, like, won this conference for 11 straight years. It's pretty cool. Or not. I mean, these guys pretty much suck. I'm pretty awesome though. I think I'm going to join the Big 10. That's pretty bad ass. I'm the best.

TCU: *oonce oonce oonce oonce oonce oonce*

(The girl and TCU walk off to bar bathroom together.)

Kansas State: HEY, WERE YOU TALKING TO THAT GIRL? SHE WAS PRETTY. TCU IS GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH HER IN THE BATHROOM. I BET YOU'RE PRETTY MAD HUH.

Kansas: JESUS CHRIST. SHUT UP, YOU GODDAMN MOUTH BREATHING SHEEP SCREWER. DON'T EVER ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME IN PUBLIC!

Kansas State: OK BRO. BOY THERE'S A LOT OF GIRLS IN HERE. I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO A GIRL. I LIKE GIRLS.

Kansas heads to the bar and starts slamming Jager bombs.

Texas: You see the new guy?

Oklahoma: Yeah. Pretty solid game on his part. I mean, he literally hasn't said a word all night, and he just walked up and cock blocked Kansas. I still don't think he has enough name recognition for me to hang out with, though. It's like he thinks he can just show up and start pulling tail.

Texas: I agree. You know what though? He still ain't Texas. Watch and learn, I'll show you how it's done.

Texas walks onto the dance floor and starts grinding with a hot chick.

Texas (to attractive girl): Yeah, I mean, I don't like to brag, but I'm the richest guy in college sports. It's really not a big deal. I have my own TV network. No big deal. But seriously, I have all that shit. You should probably come home with me and toss my salad. It's not so much that I really enjoy it, I just think that, you know, relatively speaking, it's probably all you're worthy of doing.

Kansas State (waddles in between Texas and hot chick): HI. DO YOU LIKE BIG BANG THEORY? I LOVE BIG BANG THEORY! SHELDON IS SO FUNNY. IT'S THE FUNNIEST SHOW EVER. THE JOKES ARE REALLY INTELLIGENT SCIENCE STUFF. I DON'T GET THEM. BUT SMART PEOPLE DO. I HAVE A TURTLE. DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY TURTLE? HIS NAME IS LEONARDO. HE'S  REALLY SMART. HE WATCHES BIG BANG THEORY WITH ME. HE LIKES LEONARD. CAUSE THEY HAVE THE SAME NAME ALMOST.

The attractive girl shoots daggers at Texas, grabs Kansas State by the hand, and starts walking out the door.

Kansas State (walking out the door with attractive girl): WE CAN WATCH BIG BANG THEORY ALL NIGHT. I HAVE THREE SEASONS ON DVD

Texas storms back to the bar in disgust. KU and OU are sitting there, laughing and pointing.

Kansas: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You just got cock blocked by my pud brother.

Oklahoma: This is what, the 10th time this has happened?

Texas: I just don't get it. I have money. I have my own TV station. He has nothing. No history. No sense of fashion. Complete naivete... AND HE WEARS A FUCKING FANNY PACK. It's like he's some kind of damn -

Kansas: Wizard. He's a goddamn wizard. Don't ask me how it happened, but it happened. I don't mean to get all deep on you guys, but why do you think I want the fuck out of here? I'm getting cock blocked by my brother who has some kind of undiagnosed developmental disorder and the new guy who hasn't even said a single word.

OU orders a round for the three of them. Suddenly, a commotion breaks out near the karaoke machine. It appears Iowa State and West Virginia are headed toward the machine. West Virginia has the mic in his hand.

West Virginia: COUNTRY ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOADDS! TAAAAKE ME HOOOOME!

Iowa State (grabs the mic away from West Virginia and randomly addresses the crowd): Hey! I invented the computer! And peanut butter! You should care about me!

West Virginia (interrupting Iowa State): THAT'S IT. IT'S ON!

West Virginia shoves ISU in the chest. ISU shoves West Virginia back. West Virginia pulls a bottle of moonshine out of his pocket and stuffs a rag in it, creating a Molotov Cocktail. He throws it Iowa State, but misses. It lands on a lounge couch and engulfs it in flames. ISU retaliates by lighting a trash can on fire, and hurls it at West Virginia, also missing. At this point, the entire bar is evacuating. As police and fire sirens rage, the Big 12 crew manages to sneak out the back and pile into Baylor's Astro van.

TO BE CONTINUED...