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Rhoads Disappoints Cyclone Fans by Only Discovering Running Water on Mars

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Iowa State football was off on a bye week last week, but that doesn't mean the coaches weren't hard at work looking for solutions to the Cyclones' recent struggles on the field.

In fact, head coach Paul Rhoads decided to do something that no one would have expected in a million years... Go to Mars.

After having Ames Harley-Davidson custom-alter his motorcycle into a makeshift spaceship, Rhoads prepared to take off for the Red Planet.

"We showed flashes of a better run game against Toledo last week, but we still couldn't pull off a win," said Rhoads just before launch. "I'm doing this in hopes of finding something to make our running attack good enough to beat the juggernaut Kansas team that's coming into Jack Trice Stadium next week."

In what will surely go down as one of the most disappointing storylines of the Rhoads era, Iowa State's oft-criticized head coach landed on Mars, searched every nook and cranny, and didn't find anything to help the Cyclone running backs or run game. In fact, the only thing he discovered related to running was running water, which won't be able to help ISU against Kansas at all.

Luckily, WRNL's network of extra-terrestrial spies were able to follow Rhoads as he pranced around the planet looking for things of use to Iowa State football. The following transmission between Rhoads and ground control was intercepted just as he was about to leave on his return trip to Earth.

Ground control: "Ground control to Major Paul. Commencing countdown, engines on."

Rhoads: "Just skip the stupid countdown and get me home."

Ground control: "Right... Uh, Paul, we regret to inform you that your motorcycle rocket ship just malfunctioned. You're going to have to figure out another way to get back."

Rhoads: "Damn it, this isn't rocket science you idiots!"

Ground control: "Well actually-"

Rhoads: "Thanks to you buffoons, I'm gonna have to bum a ride with those Rockets from Toledo. You know how much shit I'm going to get from those guys?"

Ground control: "Okay, sorry. We're going to try to help you fix your motorcycle ship instead. Can you tell us if anything looks out of place?"

Rhoads: (Looks at ship for one second) "Well, the engine looks like it fell out. Is that bad?"

Ground control: "Yes Paul, that's bad. You're going to have to put it back in and center it."

Rhoads: "I don't know how to center things."

Ground control: (Heavy sighs) "Yeah, we know."