Welcome back to the Troll, y'all. It's been awhile, and we here at WRNL have been itching to hate some folks. And I say we because, one our resident Hate Masters wanted in on the fun. We welcome elder WRNL statesman ClonesJer, who wanted to take a swing at hating on some Purple Hoks. With the combined hate comes a different style of Troll than you might be used to. This week, we are going to lay out the top reasons to hate the UNI Panthers. God, I'm pissed already.
This first one will remind you of all the times you considered suicide.
Reason 1: Greg McDermott
ClonesJer: In the last 35 years, only one of Iowa State's six basketball coaches didn't make a single NCAA tournament. McDermott didn't even make an NIT. His 0.465 winning percentage was 10 games under 0.500 in only four seasons, making him the only coach in the last third of a century to win less than 50% of his games. Attendance dropped, and home losses became commonplace as Hilton Magic became a shell of its former self.
Greg then left on his own, denying ISU fans even the sweet satisfaction of his termination. He also took the NBA caliber son he chose not to recruit to Ames with him.
Oh, and Greg McDermott came from UNI.
CYdeliner: I still like Creighton more.
Reason 2: Mark Farley
ClonesJer: Mark Farley coaches the FCS UNI Panther football team, and in his off-time he polishes Kirk Ferentz's cars like he's the old Biff to Kirk's Marty McFly. He has repeatedly voiced his affection for the Hawkeye program, and has lost to them in suspicious fashion several times. Do I think Mark wanted those back to back FGs to be blocked? Yes, yes I think he did.
CYdeliner: And you know he is just sucking up to all of Hawk Nation so he can be next in line to get an albatross of a contract from the University of Iowa. Coaches from UNI that go to bigger universities in the state of Iowa always turn out for the best (SEE ABOVE). And what the hell is UNI and Mark Fartley going to do now that the big bad Big Ten won't allow their member schools to play FCS teams? Good thing you don't need those Iowa game checks anymore since David Johnson is gone. He must have been a burden on your salary cap.
Reason 3: 1900 Iowa State vs UNI game
Smug, old-timey bastards.
ClonesJer: Apparently UNI beat Iowa State 5-0 once upon a time. Sounds like Wikipedia bullshit, but whatever. UNI also beat Iowa State in 1992, 1994, 2007 & 2013. Fuckers.
Reason 4: UNI is not even Kirkwood
ClonesJer: Who did Iowa look to when they couldn't sell their student tickets to, you know, Iowa students? Was it long standing wanna-be-Hawks UNI? No! "Fuck those guys" Iowa said, "we're selling to Kirkwood!" Makes economic sense too - Kirkwood's attendance was almost 2,500 students higher than UNI's in 2014.
CYdeliner: DMACC is bigger than UNI too! UNI: 5th best, woooo!
Reason 5: Real Panthers are Ruthless Killers
ClonesJer: More than 20 people have been killed in the last 125 years by mountain lions, or "panthers," in the United States alone. Most of those were innocent small children, or slow joggers just looking to shed some pounds. UNI chooses to glorify this monster of a man-eater as its mascot.
CYdeliner: And speaking of their mascots, look at these idiots:
God, I want to kill myself all over again just from looking at these two non-fear inducing cuddle monsters. And do you want to know their names? "TC" is the dude and "TK" is the chick. Both of those two letter names have to stand for something cool and original, right? Hell no! They stand for "The Cat" and "The Kitten." I don't even have a joke for that.
Remember when you stole the Pink Panther and used that as your mascot? Those were the good ol' days. That thing was blatantly stolen, yeah, but still infinitely better than the trash you have now.
Reason 6: UNI beat NDSU after NDSU spanked us last season
ClonesJer: Seriously you pricks? It's not a big enough embarrassment on its own to lose to the retirement village of fanbases that is NDSU. No, you have to make it worse by making it appear that they suck enough to lose to other FCS schools as well.
CYdeliner: Dammit UNI, we can't take you anywhere.
Reason 7: The UNI-Dome
CYdeliner: HA HA, GOT YOU. That wasn't actually the UNI Dome ... or was it? This exact same thing happened (MULTIPLE TIMES) to the UNI-Dome, so this will just have to do. Hey, at least you got a new video board to replace your old one that kept malfunctioning and "magically" stopped the clock when it seemed rather convenient to you. And just like any good college program, you didn't pay for said video board... The freakin' Iowa High School Athletic Association donated it to you! Aren't they supposed to be a non-profit?
God, now I have another reason to hate that terrible organization. I hope the UNI-Dome collapses one final time and your program has to fold since Iowa can't play you anymore. It would make me smile.
ClonesJer: The UNI Dome creates the illusion of sitting very far away from the field, while still only seating 16,000. That's not a compliment.
Reason 8: UNI tried to deny us a sellout
ClonesJer: DICKS. Here we are trying to sell out our brand new endzone and 61,500 capacity stadium, and UNI returns 400 of their 2,000 ticket allotment at the last minute. For our UNI readers, that's 20% unsold ... for an in-state game.
CYdeliner: Thankfully, Iowa State fans swooped in and claimed the tickets quickly to seal the sellout. Fuck UNI.