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Envisioning a 6-6 Season for Iowa State Football

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IT’S TIME TO GO BOWLING.

NCAA Football: Iowa State at Texas Brendan Maloney-USA TODAY Sports

12-0

11-1

10-2

9-3

8-4

7-5

I know some all of you are probably getting really tired of these articles. I am too! I wish I didn’t have to write so many of them, but the team keeps losing and I’m contractually obligated to write this thing after every loss.

The bye week helped. I got a chance to collect my thoughts on this team and lower my expectations (just kidding). Now, usually I say a bunch of crazy shit is going to happen each week and that Iowa State will miraculously win the rest of its games, even if I don’t actually believe those things will happen. But not today. Today, I take a different approach. Today, I tell you what I actually believe will happen the rest of the year.

Right now: 1-6

One win and six losses. Ouch. And the worst part is, Saturday’s opponent happens to be a team that has won eight in a row over Iowa State. The last time Iowa State beat Kansas State was November 3, 2007. I was 11 years old and full of optimism. Suffice it to say, a lot has changed. Now I’m 20 years old and full of optimism.

Anyway, back to the game. I’m not sure if you guys knew this, but Bill Snyder is the head coach for Kansas State and he happens to be very old.

Not many people know this, but there’s a reason Bill Snyder is so fond of writing letters. Many people assume it’s because he’s old fashioned. While that’s true, it doesn’t tell the whole story. Snyder is so fond of handwriting letters because he actually invented the written language thousands of years ago.

One thing age isn’t good for: coaching football. Matt Campbell outsmarts Bill Snyder thanks to the use of newfangled football concepts like “forward passes.” Iowa State has its backups in by halftime as they cruise to an easy win.

2-6

Did you know “Bob Stoops” is an anagram for “Stop Boobs?” Oklahoma’s entire football history, clearly built on a foundation of disrespect towards women and thinly-veiled sexism, cannot be allowed to stand. The Cyclones destroy Oklahoma because Iowa State University respects women.

3-6

Kansas sucks.

4-6

Texas Tech comes to Ames with the same record as the Cyclones. With only two games left, both teams are fighting for bowl eligibility. Unfortunately for Texas Tech, what starts as a fun motivational tactic results in a heartbreaking ending to the season.

Texas Tech head coach Kliff Kingsbury looks an awful lot like actor Ryan Gosling. In an attempt to win some points with his team, Kingsbury brings Gosling to Lubbock for a team meeting. Not one to take an acting job lightly, Gosling kidnaps Kingsbury so he can live a week in the life of the coach in order to better portray him. This includes game preparation and play calling on gameday in Ames.

While Gosling’s play calling strategy of punting on every first down is certainly interesting, it’s not very effective. Tech gives up over a thousand yards of total offense and Iowa State walks to an easy victory.

5-6

Late November? Check. Home game? Check. Undefeated, #2 ranked team in the nation coming to Ames with a playoff appearance on the line? Check. Cyclones one win away from a bowl bid? Check.

We’ve seen this before, folks. David Montgomery stumbles and bumbles his way into the endzone in the second overtime to beat West Virginia and clinch a bowl bid for Iowa State. Thanks to Iowa State, the CFB Playoff system is no more, as fans beg for a computer system that will take the human element out of the selection process.

6-6

Iowa State accepts an invitation to the CFB Playoff, becoming the first ever 2 3 4 5 6-loss team to make the playoff. The Cyclones beat #1 Alabama in the semis and earn a spot in the championship game against Michigan.

After a hard-fought game that lasts over three straight days, and with the score still tied at 0-0, the teams call it quits. The only two men left standing are Jim Harbaugh and Matt Campbell. The two of them decide to have a WWE-style wrestling match to determine the national champion.

Thanks to Advocare Spark®, which delivers energy and enhanced mental focus with more than 20 vitamins, minerals and nutrients, Campbell defeats Harbaugh via pinfall. Iowa State is crowned national champions.