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Envisioning an 8-4 Season for Iowa State Football

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IT’S STILL TECHNICALLY POSSIBLE.

San Jose State v Iowa State

12-0

11-1

10-2

9-3

After I correctly predicted Iowa State’s destruction of San Jose State, I narrowly missed my Baylor prediction last Saturday as the Clones lost on a last-second field goal. While that wasn’t how I expected the game to go, I’ve now had a chance to reflect on my mistakes and fix them. I know where I messed up. HERE is the 100% accurate edition of my prediction for this season.

Right now: 1-4

Iowa State travels down to Stillwater to take on Oklahoma State tomorrow. Baylor beat Oklahoma State 35-24 on September 24. Baylor then beat Iowa State 45-42. Based on my advanced predictive algorithm, Iowa State should be an eight point favorite. My advice: don’t take Iowa State to cover, since the final score will be 7-0.

2-4

After throttling Oklahoma State, the Cyclones travel down to Austin for a matchup with Charlie Strong’s Tom Herman’s Texas squad. Herman, a former Iowa State offensive coordinator, looks at Jacob Park and thinks to himself, “that’s the best quarterback I’ve ever seen.” He leaves Texas and his new $14 million salary to be Iowa State’s quarterbacks coach. Park slings 10 touchdowns against Texas in a 70-0 win.

3-4

During warmups, Park launches a deep ball to Hakeem Butler, who makes a spectacular one-handed catch. One of Kansas State’s assistant coaches whispers “Jesus Christ” under his breath. Bill Snyder hears his assistant and begins searching frantically around Ames for Jesus, who was Snyder’s best friend when the two were growing up together over 2000 years ago. Unfortunately, nobody else on Kansas State’s coaching staff knows how to coach without the benefit of vampire magic. Iowa State beats the Wildcats 24-23 after Kansas State’s kicker shanks an extra point in the fourth quarter.

4-4

Bob Stoops, who is nearly fired after losing to Tom Herman’s Texas squad, comes to Ames loaded with fear. Facing the possibility of losing to Herman three times in one season, Stoops knows he’ll be fired if he can’t pull off a win. Instead, Big Game Bob wets the bed. Iowa State wins easily. Stoops is fired by Oklahoma, then hired to replace Kirk Ferentz at Iowa.

5-4

Kansas sucks.

6-4

Kliff Kingsbury, throwing a fit because he knows Jacob Park is a thousand times more handsome than he could ever dream of being, forfeits the game. Iowa State is given a 3-0 win.

7-4

Ranked for the first time in a decade, Iowa State hosts Iowa native Dana Holgorsen and his West Virginia team. Prior to kickoff, Stoops hires Holgorsen to run his offense at Iowa. West Virginia is left without a head coach. The Cyclones pull off a fantastic come-from-behind victory on the backs of Allen Lazard and Mike Warren, who each score five touchdowns in the fourth quarter.

8-4

The Cyclones are invited to numerous bowls, but Matt Campbell turns down every offer and instead invites 3-9 Iowa to the first ever Iowa-Iowa State bowl game. Due to venue restrictions, the game must be played at Gilbert High School’s field. Iowa State uses its Gilbert walk-ons to propel the team to victory. Tom Herman defeats Bob Stoops four times in one year because Bob Stoops sucks.

Allen Lazard tells the team that he plans on going pro after the season, forgoing his final season of eligibility. Campbell, realizing he can’t convince Lazard to stay, decides to have the entire team join the NFL. Iowa State goes 16-0 in the NFC North in 2017.