If you would have told me before the season started that Iowa State would be 1-8 with three games left, I would’ve said, “oh, that seems reasonable for a young team with a first year coaching staff and a considerable lack of Big 12 talent.”
Just kidding. I predicted a 12-0 season for this team because 1) I’m an idiot, and 2) life isn’t fun when you’re pessimistic. Basketball season is here! It’s time to be happy! The glass is half full! Let’s get into it.
Right now: 1-8
If Bo Jackson can be a two-sport professional athlete, Deonte Burton and Solomon Young can certainly do Matt Campbell a favor and play linebacker or tight end, right? Wrong. HOWEVER, there is an Iowa State men’s basketball player who WILL help the football team: STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
That’s right. After Iowa State wallops...uh, who’s coming to Hilton tonight? Isn’t it Mississippi Valley State or someone? Uh, anyway, after Iowa State wins tonight, Stu “finger-rolls-count-the-same-as-dunks” Nezlek trots onto Kansas’ football field on Saturday as a QB/LB two-way player. He leads the team in rushing yards, passing yards, receiving yards, pancakes, tackles, sacks, interceptions, forced fumbles and fumbles recovered. Stu also plays long snapper, holder, placekicker, punter, and handles all return duties. Three of his five passing touchdowns are to himself.
Final score: [ERROR: THE SCORE OF THIS GAME IS SO OFFENSIVE THAT THE UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS DISBANDS AT HALFTIME. OFFICIALLY, IOWA STATE IS GIVEN A 3-0 VICTORY OVER NOBODY.]
After watching Stu “I-play-below-the-rim-just-to-give-you-a-chance” Nezlek shred [REDACTED]’s defense, Texas Tech head coach Kliff Kingsbury asks basketball player Zach Smith to help him out for the day. Smith rips the ISU defense apart for three quarters until Stu “call-me-a-manual-transmission-cuz-you-know-I’m-clutch” Nezlek shuts him down.
Iowa State pulls off the stunner as Stu “the-lord-gave-me-two-hands-but-imma-use-one” Nezlek makes a diving, one-handed catch in the end zone to seal the game.
In his spare time, Stu begins watching the TV show Parks and Recreation. His favorite character is Ron Swanson (who, let’s be real, is everyone’s favorite character). During a late-night binge watch, Stu catches a quote from his favorite character that sticks in his mind: “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.” Stu decides to hang up the cleats and return to basketball, his one true love.
Following Stu’s departure, Matt Campbell needs someone to step up — 4-8 and a three-game winning streak to wrap up the season would show some real progress.
While looking over the West Virginia coaching staff, Campbell notices that West Virginia’s head coach’s name, Dana Holgorsen, is an anagram for “Anal Hero Dongs.” Where am I going with this? I don’t know, but that’s really freakin’ funny.
Back to the game. Iowa State wins because they play inspired football, the whole team buys into the coaching staff’s philosophy, and they play hard for the seniors in their final college game. Iowa State finishes 4-8, making the future bright for both the football program and Stu “Tyler-Ellerman’s-body, Michael-Jordan’s-skill” Nezlek.